today
Sunset's inner problem
Sunset’s thoughts blurred together, she couldn’t figure out to how actually make a friend, and because of that she felt herself becoming ill. She stared at the horizon that left its light to the night. Her eyes were wide-open, wondering how to convince Celestia it was a mistake, and she had no need to make friends? No matter what would happen next, they only thing that matter was Sunset, and her task. Sunset tried to clear her thoughts, and decided went through Ponyville; day after day Sunset saw pretty much the same image – kids played; their parents having fun with them. Sunset wondered, if she finally did her task, would Princess Celestia finally proud of her? Or maybe, they even have fun with each other. Something clicked inside Sunset’s head and suddenly, she ran through a bunch of fillies whose didn’t expect that, and headed to the Canterlot Library. Sunset step into the library. It was bright, bathed with gold and white in environment, and full of ponies who tried to learn something. Apparently, they were under pressure from their siblings or someone, otherwise she couldn’t believe they came into because they craved of knowledge. At the moment, she felt what they felt – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, and because of that feeling they tried to found a shelter, a safe zone for themselves; a place where no one would judge them. She could see it in their eyes, could almost read it on them, but it wasn’t her priority right now. The only thing that mattered for her was find a book which contains clues, or even a plan of how to make friends. These thoughts wouldn’t leave her head, even after she step into the library; usually, it helped her with such issues, or thoughts. Looked like, this situation was different. She knew that she for sure needed to do something, and she hesitantly started to search a book about friendship.
Sunset's inner problemturmoil
A more natural phrase
Sunset’s thoughts were blurreding together, s. She couldn’t figure out to how actually make a friend, and because of that she felt herself becoming ill.
I think this works a bit better as 2 sentences
She stared at the horizon that left its light to the night.
Or possibly: "She stared at the setting sun, watching day turn into night."
This makes it a bit clearer WHAT she was looking at on the horizon, and makes the day-to-night part of the sentence a bit clearer.
Her eyes were wide-open, as she wonderinged how to convince Celestia it was a mistake, and that she had no need to make friends?
No matter what would happen next, they only thing that mattered was Sunset, and her task.
Sunset tried to clear her thoughts, and decided went throughto think about Ponyville; day after day Sunset saw pretty much the same image – kids played; their parents having fun with them.
I wasn't 100% sure of your meaning here, so I tried to make it a bit clearer.
Sunset wondered, if she finally did her task, would Princess Celestia finally proud of her?
Or maybe, they would even have fun with each other.
Another "would" is needed here as this is a continuation of the hypothetical future scenario from the previous sentence.
Something suddenly clicked inside Sunset’s head and suddenly, she. She turned and ran through a bunch of fillies whose didn’t expect that,shocked fillies and headed to the Canterlot Library.
More natural --> "a bunch of suprised/shocked fillies"
Sunset stepped into the library.
It was bright, bdecorathed within gold and white in environment, and full of ponies who triedwere trying to learn something.
Were trying --> they are still doing it, but in the past tense
"Bathed in" here implies light (eg. the garden was bathed in sunlight), but "environment" made me think you were talking about the interior design? I went with the design, but if it was light: "It was bright, bathed in white light..."
Apparently, they wereThey must have been under pressure from their siblings or someone, otherwise she couldn’t believe they came intohere simply because they craved of knowledge.
At the moment, she felt what they felt – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, and because of that feeling they tried to found a shelter, a safe zone for themselves; a place where no one would judge them.
Just checking - do you mean to found (as in to start something, like a business or club) or to find (as in to locate). "To found" in this sentence implies these ponies created this library.
She could see it in their eyes, could almost read it on them, but it wasn’t her priority right now.
The only thing that mattered for her was find a book which containsed clues, or even a plan of how to make friends.
These thoughts wouldn’t leave her head, even after she stepped into the library; usually, it helped her with such issues, or thoughts.
LUnfortunately it looked like, this situation was different.
She knew that she for sure needed to do something, andso she hesitantly started to search a book about friendship.
Feedback
This is an excellent piece of creative writing! I felt more like a proper book editor than a language corrector :)
today
Thank you! Glad you like it :) Then, I would prefer to continue my "book" or stories
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Sunset's inner problem Sunset's inner A more natural phrase |
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Sunset’s thoughts blurred together, she couldn’t figure out to how actually make a friend, and because of that she felt herself becoming ill. Sunset’s thoughts were blurr I think this works a bit better as 2 sentences |
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She stared at the horizon that left its light to the night. She stared at the horizon Or possibly: "She stared at the setting sun, watching day turn into night." This makes it a bit clearer WHAT she was looking at on the horizon, and makes the day-to-night part of the sentence a bit clearer. |
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Her eyes were wide-open, wondering how to convince Celestia it was a mistake, and she had no need to make friends? Her eyes were wide-open, as she wonder |
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No matter what would happen next, they only thing that matter was Sunset, and her task. No matter what would happen next, they only thing that mattered was Sunset, and her task. |
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Sunset tried to clear her thoughts, and decided went through Ponyville; day after day Sunset saw pretty much the same image – kids played; their parents having fun with them. Sunset tried to clear her thoughts, and decided I wasn't 100% sure of your meaning here, so I tried to make it a bit clearer. |
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Sunset wondered, if she finally did her task, would Princess Celestia finally proud of her? This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Or maybe, they even have fun with each other. Or maybe, they would even have fun with each other. Another "would" is needed here as this is a continuation of the hypothetical future scenario from the previous sentence. |
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Something clicked inside Sunset’s head and suddenly, she ran through a bunch of fillies whose didn’t expect that, and headed to the Canterlot Library. Something suddenly clicked inside Sunset’s head More natural --> "a bunch of suprised/shocked fillies" |
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Sunset step into the library. Sunset stepped into the library. |
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It was bright, bathed with gold and white in environment, and full of ponies who tried to learn something. It was bright, Were trying --> they are still doing it, but in the past tense "Bathed in" here implies light (eg. the garden was bathed in sunlight), but "environment" made me think you were talking about the interior design? I went with the design, but if it was light: "It was bright, bathed in white light..." |
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Apparently, they were under pressure from their siblings or someone, otherwise she couldn’t believe they came into because they craved of knowledge.
|
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At the moment, she felt what they felt – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, and because of that feeling they tried to found a shelter, a safe zone for themselves; a place where no one would judge them. At the moment, she felt what they felt – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, and because of that feeling they tried to found a shelter, a safe zone for themselves; a place where no one would judge them. Just checking - do you mean to found (as in to start something, like a business or club) or to find (as in to locate). "To found" in this sentence implies these ponies created this library. |
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She could see it in their eyes, could almost read it on them, but it wasn’t her priority right now. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The only thing that mattered for her was find a book which contains clues, or even a plan of how to make friends. The only thing that mattered for her was find a book which contain |
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These thoughts wouldn’t leave her head, even after she step into the library; usually, it helped her with such issues, or thoughts. These thoughts wouldn’t leave her head, even after she stepped into the library; usually, it helped her with such issues, or thoughts. |
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Looked like, this situation was different.
|
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She knew that she for sure needed to do something, and she hesitantly started to search a book about friendship. She knew that she for sure needed to do something, |
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