Nov. 10, 2022
Young brother
The young brother was eight years old. The elder one was fifteen. The elder brother liked his young brother very much and always took care of him. He always wanted to give him pleasure.
And the young brother liked a football. And for some reason flowers. Especially peonies. And especially white.
Once the older brother said to the younger:
- What do you want to buy? A white peony or a football ticket?
- The white peony and the football ticket.
- No, - said the elder. - You have to choose: the white peony or the football ticket.
- The football ticket, - said the younger, - and the white peony.
- No, - repeated the elder. Make your choice: either the white peony or the football ticket.
The younger imagined himself at the stadium next to his brother. The Spartak team must definitely win. In the right hand he holds his brother's hand, at the left hand - a white peony... So he said:
- A white peony and a football ticket.
- Try to understand!
But the younger brother couldn't understand. And the elder one didn't want to explain.
And what should have been understood and what should have been explained?
That the football ticket cost fifty coins?
And that the white peony cost fifty coins?
That the elder had only fifty coins?
No. The younger couldn't understand it.
Because if he understood, probably he would have become an adult.
Younger brother
We're using comparatives here, not adjectives.
The younger brother was eight years old.
He always wanted to givmake him pleasurehappy.
"Giving pleasure" has a sexual connotation to it.
And tThe younger brother liked a football.
And, for some reason, flowers.
And especially whiteWhite ones, in particular.
Once the older brother said to thehis younger brother:
- No, - said the elder brother.
- You have to choose: between the white peony or the football ticket.
In the right hand hHe holds his brother's hand, at the lef with his right hand -, and a white peony.. in the other.
And the elder onebrother didn't want to explain.
And what should have been understood and what should have been explained?
I don't understand.
The younger brother couldn't understand it.
Because if he understood, probably he would have become an adultIt would take an adult to understand the situation.
YThe younger brother
The youngest brother was eight years old.
Youngest here because we are talking about how young the brother is.
The eolderst one was fifteen.
The eolder brother likoved his younger brother very much and always took care of him.
He always wanted to givmake him pleasurehappy.
Do not use 'to give pleasure' in sentences like this - it is a sexual slang.
And the younger brother liked a football.
And for some reason flowers.,
Eespecially white peonies.
And especially white.
Once the older brother said to the younger:
Elder and older brother/sister are the same thing with slight different uses. Eldest is used in families with multiple younger sibling and is formal. Oldest is used in families of one or more children and is used more.
- "What do you want to buy?
A white peony or a football ticket?"
- The white peony and the football ticket"Both." He said.
- "No, -" said the eolderst.
- "You have to choose:, the white peony or the football ticket."
This would come right after said the oldest.
- T"I want the football ticket, -" said the younger, - brother. "and the white peony."
- "No, - r" Repeated the eolderst.
"Make a choice, your choice:an have either the white peony or the football ticket."
The youngest brother imagined himself at the stadium next to his brother.
The Spartak team muwould most definitely win.
In the right hand he holds his brother's hand, atnd in the left hand - a white peony...
So he said:,
- A"i want a white peony and a football ticket."
- "Try to understand!" Said the older brother.
But the youngerst brother couldn't understand.
And the eolder one didn't want to explain.
And wWhat shwould have beenthe younger brother understooand and what shwould the oldest have beento explained to him?
That the football ticket costs fifty coins?
And that the white peony also costs fifty coins?
TAnd that the eolder hadst only had fifty coins?
'Had only' is correct but 'only had' emphasizes that all the oldest brother had.
No.,
Tthe younger couldn't understand it.
Feedback
I loved the story.
One thing you should look up is how to format dialogue. It's important how to write dialogue and use dialogue tags.
Nov. 10, 2022
Thank you)
The younger brother was eight years old.
The elder brother liked his younger brother very much and always took care of him.
"young" implies that he's young in general, which at 8 he is, but just like you use eldER/oldER with the older brother to clarfiy that he's the older one between them, you use youngER to clarify that he's not just young but the younger brother between them. Because at 8 and 15 they both are technically young.
He always wanted to givmake him pleasurehappy.
"give pleasure" sounds unnatural and honestly i only hear it in sexual situations
And the younger brother liked a football.
if he likes a football, then there's a specific physical football that he likes. but i think you mean he likes playing/watching the sport in general.
And, for some reason, flowers.
"for some reason" is it a bit of an interjection so it gets separated with commas
And especially white ones.
to say he likes white especially just means he likes the color, "white ones" means he likes specifically white peonies
The past 4 sentences really should have just been one sentence:
The younger brother liked football and, for some reason, flowers - white peonies especially.
- "What do you want to buy?
we use " " for dialogue, not -
langcorrect breaks up this into two sentences, but because this (What do you want to buy? A white peony or a football ticket?) is all being said by the same person, you put one " at the beginning of the entirety of whatever they say, and " at the end.
A white peony or a football ticket?"
like this!
Because if he understood, probably he would have becomprobably become more like an adult.
to become an adult is to leave childhood entirely, you're just talking about a child learning one thing about how miserable adulthood is. so he's just slightly becoming more like an adult, not becoming one fully yet.
Feedback
nice little story :)
Nov. 10, 2022
Thanks a lot)
|
And that the white peony cost fifty coins? And that the white peony also costs fifty coins? |
|
Young brother
Younger brother We're using comparatives here, not adjectives. |
|
The young brother was eight years old. The younger brother was eight years old. The youngest brother was eight years old. Youngest here because we are talking about how young the brother is. The younger brother was eight years old. |
|
The elder one was fifteen. The |
|
The elder brother liked his young brother very much and always took care of him. The elder brother liked his younger brother very much and always took care of him. "young" implies that he's young in general, which at 8 he is, but just like you use eldER/oldER with the older brother to clarfiy that he's the older one between them, you use youngER to clarify that he's not just young but the younger brother between them. Because at 8 and 15 they both are technically young. The |
|
He always wanted to give him pleasure. He always wanted to "give pleasure" sounds unnatural and honestly i only hear it in sexual situations He always wanted to Do not use 'to give pleasure' in sentences like this - it is a sexual slang. He always wanted to "Giving pleasure" has a sexual connotation to it. |
|
And the young brother liked a football. And the younger brother liked if he likes a football, then there's a specific physical football that he likes. but i think you mean he likes playing/watching the sport in general. And the younger brother liked
|
|
And for some reason flowers. And, for some reason, flowers. "for some reason" is it a bit of an interjection so it gets separated with commas And for some reason flowers And, for some reason, flowers. |
|
Especially peonies.
|
|
And especially white. And especially white ones. to say he likes white especially just means he likes the color, "white ones" means he likes specifically white peonies The past 4 sentences really should have just been one sentence: The younger brother liked football and, for some reason, flowers - white peonies especially.
|
|
Once the older brother said to the younger: Once the older brother said to the younger: Elder and older brother/sister are the same thing with slight different uses. Eldest is used in families with multiple younger sibling and is formal. Oldest is used in families of one or more children and is used more. Once the older brother said to |
|
- What do you want to buy?
we use " " for dialogue, not - langcorrect breaks up this into two sentences, but because this (What do you want to buy? A white peony or a football ticket?) is all being said by the same person, you put one " at the beginning of the entirety of whatever they say, and " at the end.
|
|
A white peony or a football ticket? A white peony or a football ticket?" like this! A white peony or a football ticket?" |
|
- The white peony and the football ticket.
|
|
- No, - said the elder.
- No, - said the elder brother. |
|
- You have to choose: the white peony or the football ticket.
This would come right after said the oldest. - You have to choose |
|
- The football ticket, - said the younger, - and the white peony.
|
|
- No, - repeated the elder.
|
|
Make your choice: either the white peony or the football ticket. "Make a choice, you |
|
The younger imagined himself at the stadium next to his brother. The youngest brother imagined himself at the stadium next to his brother. |
|
The Spartak team must definitely win. The Spartak team |
|
In the right hand he holds his brother's hand, at the left hand - a white peony... In the right hand he holds his brother's hand, a
|
|
So he said: So he said |
|
- A white peony and a football ticket.
|
|
- Try to understand!
|
|
But the younger brother couldn't understand. But the younge |
|
And the elder one didn't want to explain. And the And the elder |
|
And what should have been understood and what should have been explained?
And what should have been understood and what should have been explained? I don't understand. |
|
That the football ticket cost fifty coins? That the football ticket costs fifty coins? |
|
That the elder had only fifty coins?
'Had only' is correct but 'only had' emphasizes that all the oldest brother had. |
|
No. No |
|
The younger couldn't understand it.
The younger brother couldn't understand it. |
|
Because if he understood, probably he would have become an adult. Because if he understood, to become an adult is to leave childhood entirely, you're just talking about a child learning one thing about how miserable adulthood is. so he's just slightly becoming more like an adult, not becoming one fully yet.
|
You need LangCorrect Premium to access this feature.
Go Premium