Feb. 24, 2021
Writing Prompt - Mistake
Jane and Henry looked at the shattered vase on the floor. The two twins were playing baseball inside the house, despite their mother's warnings, and accidentally broke the vase with the ball. They exchanged a worried glance. "What do we do? Mom will come home any second." Jane whispers. "Let's say a bird flew in and crashed into the vase." Henry replies. Jane shoots him a mean glare. "Do you really think Mom is gullible enough to believe something as stupid as that? The window isn't even open right now." She says. "Let's be honest and own up to our mistakes instead." Henry rolls his eyes. "Lame. She's going to punish us so hard when she gets home." He says, groaning. Jane puts her hands on her hips and argues, "Well, she's going to punish us even worse if she finds out we lied about it!" The two siblings bicker and argue until they hear the front door open. "Oh no..." They say simultaneously. Their mother walks into the room, and with arms crossed screams, "WHAT IS THIS??"
The twins said their excuse at the same time, thus jumbling their sentences. "A bird flew in while playing baseball!"
Writing Prompt - Mistake
Jane and Henry looked at the shattered vase on the floor.
The two twins werehad been playing baseball inside the house, despite their mother's warnings, andwhen they accidentally broke the vase with the ball.
The original sentence was fine, but I think "had been playing" works better because they were playing baseball before they looked at the shattered vase.
They exchanged a worried glance.
"What do we do?
Mom will come home any second.,"
Another option:
"What do we do?" Jane whispered. "Mom will come home any second."
Jane whispersed.
The beginning is in past tense, so the rest of the story should be in past tense too.
"Let's say a bird flew in and crashed into the vase.,"
Henry repliesd.
Jane shootst him a mean glare.
"Do you really think Mom is gullible enough to believe something as stupid as that?
The window isn't even open right now."
She says.
This dialogue tag is unnecessary because there's already an action ("Jane shot him a mean glare") before the dialogue. It flows better like this:
Jane shot him a mean glare. "Do you really think Mom is gullible enough to believe something as stupid as that? The window isn't even open right now. Let's be honest and own up to our mistakes instead."
"Let's be honest and own up to our mistakes instead."
Henry rollsed his eyes.
"Lame.
She's going to punish us so hard when she gets home."
He says, groaning.
Unnecessary dialogue tag. Having the action ("Henry rolled his eyes") beforehand is good enough.
Jane puts her hands on her hips and arguesd, "Well, she's going to punish us even worse if she finds out we lied about it!"
The two siblings bickered and argued until they heard the front door open.
"Oh no..." Tthey sayid simultaneously.
Their mother walksed into the room, and with arms crossecrossed her arms, and screamsed, "WHAT IS THIS??
"A bird flew in while we were playing baseball!"
The original sentence makes it sound like the bird was the one playing baseball.
Feedback
Make sure not to switch verb tenses for no reason. Also, it's easier to read dialogue if there's a new paragraph for each speaker. Other than that, this was a well-written story.
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Writing Prompt - Mistake This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Jane and Henry looked at the shattered vase on the floor. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The two twins were playing baseball inside the house, despite their mother's warnings, and accidentally broke the vase with the ball. The two twins The original sentence was fine, but I think "had been playing" works better because they were playing baseball before they looked at the shattered vase. |
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They exchanged a worried glance. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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"What do we do? This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Mom will come home any second." Mom will come home any second Another option: "What do we do?" Jane whispered. "Mom will come home any second." |
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Jane whispers. Jane whisper The beginning is in past tense, so the rest of the story should be in past tense too. |
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"Let's say a bird flew in and crashed into the vase." "Let's say a bird flew in and crashed into the vase |
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Henry replies. Henry replie |
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Jane shoots him a mean glare. Jane sho |
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"Do you really think Mom is gullible enough to believe something as stupid as that? This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The window isn't even open right now." This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She says.
This dialogue tag is unnecessary because there's already an action ("Jane shot him a mean glare") before the dialogue. It flows better like this: Jane shot him a mean glare. "Do you really think Mom is gullible enough to believe something as stupid as that? The window isn't even open right now. Let's be honest and own up to our mistakes instead." |
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"Let's be honest and own up to our mistakes instead." This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Henry rolls his eyes. Henry roll |
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"Lame. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She's going to punish us so hard when she gets home." This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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He says, groaning.
Unnecessary dialogue tag. Having the action ("Henry rolled his eyes") beforehand is good enough. |
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Jane puts her hands on her hips and argues, "Well, she's going to punish us even worse if she finds out we lied about it!" Jane put |
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The two siblings bicker and argue until they hear the front door open. The two siblings bickered and argued until they heard the front door open. |
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"Oh no..." They say simultaneously. "Oh no..." |
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Their mother walks into the room, and with arms crossed screams, "WHAT IS THIS?? Their mother walk |
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The twins said their excuse at the same time, thus jumbling their sentences. |
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"A bird flew in while playing baseball!" "A bird flew in while we were playing baseball!" The original sentence makes it sound like the bird was the one playing baseball. |
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