Demons fFrom the pPast Demons From the Past

In titles, generally, every word should be capitalized besides articles.

«In my entir"My whole life, there was's been a question that's bothered me more and more whilas the years have passed: did I really deserved a redemption?»." "My whole life, there's been a question that's bothered me more and more as the years have passed: did I really deserve redemption?"

Dialogue and quotes should use quotation marks. English doesn't use « » marks unless it is a specific stylistic choice.

«In m"My entire life there was a question that bothered me more and more whileas years passed: did I really deserved a redemption?»". "My entire life there was a question that bothered me more and more as years passed: did I really deserve a redemption?".

In English we use " to express speech. 'did' is already in past tense so 'deserve' doesn't need to be as well.

"I don’t know, but it sticks inside my mind like glue and I can’t get rid of it.," "I don’t know, but it sticks inside my mind like glue and I can’t get rid of it,"

If this is part of the dialogue, it should be included in the previous quotation. Make sure to end quotes with a comma instead of a period.

– S*said Starlight ands she lay on a patch of grass; *said Starlight as she lay on a patch of grass;

* Like this: "[dialogue]," said Starlight [...]

– Said Starlight and laylying on a patch of grass; – Said Starlight lying on a patch of grass;

I'm assuming

Iit was a little bit itchy, but bearable. it was a little bit itchy, but bearable.

Good use of semi-colon, second clause shouldn't be capitalized.

«"Of course, they didn’t forget what I did in the past, or how like ait was torture it was to live under my control, but I shouldn’t give up, I need to make it up forto them, they deserve it.»" "Of course, they didn’t forget what I did in the past, or how it was torture to live under my control, but I shouldn’t give up, I need to make it up to them, they deserve it."

I just want to note that this is a run-on sentence. In a literary context, it makes the character sound like everything they're saying is spilling out at once, as though they're stressed. If that's not the intention, I'd swap some of the commas for periods, but if that's how you want it to sound, then it works.

«"Of course, they didn’t forget what I did in the past, or how like a tortureous it was to live under my control, but I shouldn’t give up, I need to make it up forto them, they deserve it.»" "Of course, they didn’t forget what I did in the past, or how torturous it was to live under my control, but I shouldn’t give up, I need to make it up to them, they deserve it."

These thoughts wasere like a pile of bags which suddenly dropped on her shoulders*, but she didn’t try to get rid of ithem; she got used to it, itthem. They felt as much common as to caught ahe suspicious glances she'd catch from ponies in Ponyville…. These thoughts were like a pile of bags which suddenly dropped on her shoulders*, but she didn’t try to get rid of them; she got used to them. They felt as common as the suspicious glances she'd catch from ponies in Ponyville…

*I corrected this sentence to be grammatically correct, but it sounds clunky as is. I'd phrase it as, "These thoughts weighed heavily on her shoulders".

These thoughts wasere like a pile of bags which suddenly dropped on her shoulders, but she didn’t try to get rid of it; she got used to it, it felt as much common as tofamiliar and caught a suspicious glances from ponies in Ponyville…. These thoughts were like a pile of bags which suddenly dropped on her shoulders, but she didn’t try to get rid of it; she got used to it, it felt familiar and caught suspicious glances from ponies in Ponyville….

'like a pile of bags which suddenly dropped on her shoulders' does get your point across but we would probably use 'like a sudden weight on her shoulders' or something like that. It's probably a figure of speech that doesn't directly translate.

Thousands of stars which laid on a blanket –ed the sky, then, one of them started falling. Thousands of stars blanketed the sky, then one of them started falling.

Starlight didn’t know if it was it some kind of sign from the universe, or if it was just coincidence, but now it didn’t matter. Starlight didn’t know if it was some kind of sign from the universe, or if it was just coincidence, but now it didn’t matter.

Starlight didn’t know if it was it some kind of sign from the universe, or just a coincidence, but now it didn’t matter. Starlight didn’t know if it was some kind of sign from the universe, or just a coincidence, but now it didn’t matter.