Oct. 27, 2020
When flowers no longer bloom.
"To whom do I speak? To whom do I open my heart? Do people genuinely care about what is going through my life when I open up to them with their smiley comforting faces? Are they doing that out of care and compassion or it is just a form of acting?
Could it be the case that they are acting just to show off and make a statement to others that they are more virtuous than the rest, "look at me people, Look at how I care about this little thing, I immerse it with my compassion and care, oh you poor little thing, you are really miserable without me, hence, you shall be at the mercy of my merciful commands, poor thing"", Linza uttered that to herself while cursing her own naivety and meekness.
Lately, Linza went into a terrible experience with her ex-best friend Sarah who really deceived her to think that she is on her side always, and the thought that she would be harmed by Sarah never occurred to Linza at all, but in fact, she thought that out of all the people she knows, Sarah would be the one who will stand for her till the end, but behold she wasn't when she casually leaked Sarah's secret to the people that she despises the most with that cheeky smile and an aura of mockery surrounding her silly face.
"That demeaning little grin of her while spouting out my secret to those snakes, huh, I can't forgive that witch, I fucking hate people" That incident broke Linza to pieces and she never recovered, she became resentful and angry at every person, as it's said, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend" and that is what Linza felt at that day when she was reflecting on that incident on her worn bed covering her face out of distrust of what she has undergone accompanied with the feeling of despair mixed with disgust and despise for what Sarah did to her.
I know it is cringy, sorry.
Plz no sugarcoating!
When flowers no longer bloom.
"To whom do I speak?
To whom do I open my heart?
Do people genuinely care about what is going throughon in my life when I open up to them, with their smiley, comforting faces?
Are they doing that out of care and compassion, or is it just a form of acting?
Could it be the case that they are acting just to show off and make a statement to others that they are more virtuous than the rest,? "lLook at me people, Llook at how I care about this little thing,! I immerse it with my compassion and care, o. Oh you poor little thing, you are really miserable without me, h. Hence, you shall be at the mercy of my merciful commands, poor thing."", Linza uttered that to herself while cursing her own naivety and meekness.
Lately, Linza went intohad a terrible experience with her ex-best friend Sarah, who really deceived her into thinking that she is on her side always, and tloyal and trustworthy. The thought that she would be harmed by Sarah never occurred to Linza at all, but in fact, she thought that out of all the people she knows, Sarah would be the one who willould stand forwith her 'till the end, but behold. But she wasn't when s! She casually leaked Sarah's secret to the people thatwho she despises the most, with that cheeky smile and an aura of mockery surrounding her silly face.
"That demeaning little grin of hers, while spouting out my secret to those snakes, —huh, I can't forgive that witch, I fucking hate people." That incident broke Linza to pieces and she never recovered, s. She became resentful and angry at every person, a. As it' is said, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend," and that is what Linza felt at that day whens she was reflectinged on that incident, laying on her worn bed while covering her face out, full of distrust ofrom what she has undergone, accompanied with the feeling of despair mixed with disgust and despise for what Sarah did to her.
I know it is cringy, sorry.
Feedback
Wow! This is actually fascinating to read. You have artfully jammed in so many vivid descriptions, it's almost like experiencing these feelings myself. I even forget what it is about as I feel the author's feelings.
Most of what you wrote is not technically wrong, but just a very different way a native speaker might say or think of something. So, most of my corrections are more stylistic to sound more native. For instance, you write very long, content-packed sentences, connected together by lots of commas. English speakers usually would separate out so many complicated ideas with sentences, colons, semi-colons, or just more commas. I recommend simply separating the sentences into more sentences as concisely as possible.
The second thing is that you use very dramatic words, and very many descriptions. Most of these descriptions are so dramatic for a native English speaker that this would make what you have written undoubtedly like a drama, theater, play, or poem.
However, the way you write feels very stylistic, and this could be understood as a sort of poem if you want. I am not saying what you have done is wrong. Because of this, I did not change the adjectives to more typically used ones. I did give examples of ways to shorten the sentences, but there are many ways. Many sentences would still be too long for a "typical" English reader.
Oct. 27, 2020
I forgot to add one thing. Your use of quote marks is confusing to me. I couldn't tell if you were beginning a really long direct quote, or just quoting the beginning to quote the whole segment. It was hard to know where they began and ended.
Oct. 27, 2020
Thank you for your feedback Thegorillaman, I really appreciate that! For the quotation on the beginning, I wanted the passage to seem like an internal dialogue which must be written in Italic (as far as I know), however, I couldn't do that so I relayed on the quotations, and after that segment, I wanted the passage to be in a narrative form.
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When flowers no longer bloom. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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To whom I speak? |
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To whom I open my heart? |
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Do people genuinely care about what is going through my life when I open up to them with their smiley comforting faces? Do people genuinely care about what is going |
|
Are they doing that out of care and compassion or it just a form of acting? Are they doing that out of care and compassion, or is it just a form of acting? |
|
Could it be the case that they are acting just to show off and make a statement to others that they are more virtuous than the rest, "look at me people, Look at how I care about this little thing, I immerse it with my compassion and care, oh you poor little thing, you are really miserable without me, hence, you shall be at the mercy of my merciful commands, poor thing", Linza uttered that to herself while cursing her own naivety and meekness. |
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Lately, Linza went into a terrible experience with her ex-best friend Sarah who really deceived her to think that she is on her side always, and the thought that she would be harmed by Sarah never occurred to Linza at all, but in fact, she thought that out of all the people she knows, Sarah would be the one who will stand for her till the end, but behold she wasn't when she casually leaked Sarah's secret to the people that she despises the most with that cheeky smile and an aura of mockery surrounding her silly face. Lately, |
|
"That demeaning little grin of her while spouting out my secret to those snakes, huh, I can't forgive that witch, I fucking hate people" That incident broke Linza to pieces and she never recovered, she became resentful and angry at every person, as it's said, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend" and that is what Linza felt at that day when she was reflecting on that incident on her worn bed covering her face out of distrust of what she has undergone accompanied with the feeling of despair mixed with disgust and despise for what Sarah did to her. "That demeaning little grin of hers, while spouting out my secret to those snakes |
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I know it is cringy, sorry. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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"To whom I speak? |
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Could it be the case that they are acting just to show off and make a statement to others that they are more virtuous than the rest, "look at me people, Look at how I care about this little thing, I immerse it with my compassion and care, oh you poor little thing, you are really miserable without me, hence, you shall be at the mercy of my merciful commands, poor thing"", Linza uttered that to herself while cursing her own naivety and meekness. Could it be |
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"To whom do I speak? This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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To whom do I open my heart? This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Plz no sugarcoating! |
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Are they doing that out of care and compassion or it is just a form of acting? |
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