July 15, 2023
Unfulfilled hopes
This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be a famous person. Ha had wanted to be a popular since he was born. Actually, he liked all arts, especially acting. His mother was a talented actress in his hometown. Therefore, he decided to become an actor. He thought it was his duty. But there was a small problem. Unfortunately, he had some problems with his social skills. He was a very quiet boy. Once he came to a casting. There was a lot of people. Boys and girls hoped to get a role. But our hero was afraid of it. The boy tripped and accidentally hit another guy. 'Leave now!' the guy shouted with anger and the boy ran away. He was crying when he came home
Unfulfilled hopes
This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be a famous person.
Ha had wanted to be a popular ever since he was born.
ActuallyIn fact, he liked all of the arts, especially acting.
His mother was a talented actress in his hometown.
ThereforeBecause of that, he decided to become an actor.
He thought it was his duty.
But there was a small problem.
Unfortunately, he had some problems with hisdidn't have great social skills.
He was a very quiet boy.
Once time, he came to a casting.
There wasere a lot of people.
Boys and girls, all hopeding to get a role.
But our hero was afraid of it.
The boy tripped and accidentally hit another guy.
'Leave now!'"Get out!"
I would add more to this, since it's a story. Maybe, "Watch where you're going, dumbass!"
the guy shouted with anger, and the boy ran away.
"with anger" is implied
He was crying when he camegot home.
Feedback
Great story, only needed a couple minor tweaks!
July 15, 2023
You don't necessarily need compound or complex sentences to be a good writer or prevent choppiness. For example, children's books are written primarily in short, simple sentences. I'd say that this author's writing fits with the kind of short story that they were intending to write. Those are just my thoughts, and if they were writing a more formal, complex piece, I would totally agree with you.
July 16, 2023
Once time, he came to a casting.
Thank you very much for your corrections. Please tell me what is the difference between one time and once?
July 18, 2023
Thank you very much for your corrections. Please tell me what is the difference between one time and once?
"Once" I tend to use in the middle of a sentence, talking about how you went/did something one time. Example: "I once went to the fair."
"One time" I generally use at the beginning of sentences, talking about an experience you had. Example: "One time, I saw a bear fight a baby."
Unfulfilled hHopes
This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be a famous person.
Nothing wrong with this but "This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be famous" sounds a bit more natural to me.
Ha had wanted to be a popular since he was born.
Actually, he liked all of the arts, especially acting.
His mother was a talented actress in his hometown.
Therefore, he decided to become an actor.
He thought it was his duty, but there was a small problem.
Unfortunately, he had some problems with hiswas lacking in social skills.
I tried to make it so "problem" didn't repeat.
He was a very quiet boy.
Once he cameHe eventually went to a casting audition.
There wasere a lot of people.
Boys and girlsEveryone hoped to get a role.
'Everyone' sounds better to me personally.
But our hero was afraid of it.
Afraid of what?
The boy tripped and accidentally hit another guy.
'"Leave now!'," the guy shouted with anger, causing the boy to run away.
He was crying when he came home.
Unfulfilled hopes
This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be a famous person.
Ha had wanted to be a popular since he was born.
Actually, he liked all arts, especially acting.
His mother was a talented actress in his hometown.
Therefore, he decided to become an actor.
He thought it was his dutestiny.
"DUTY" implies his responsibility. Instead, you'd want to use something like "destiny" or "path"
ButHowever, there was a small problem.
"but" cannot be used to start a sentence. Connect it with the previous one, or choose another conjunction
Unfortunately, he had some problems with his social skills.
He was a very quiet boy.
Once he came to a casting.
There wasere a lot of people.
A lot of people were there -> There were a lot of people. The verb is not agreeing with "there", but rather, "they'.
Boys and girls hoped to get a role.
ButNonetheless, our hero was afraid of it.
The boy tripped and accidentally hit another guy.
'"Leave now!'"
, the guy shouted within anger, and the boy ran away.
before an independent clause, the "and" needs to be preceded by a comma
He was crying when he camereturned home.
came is correct, but here I would use "returned"
Feedback
Great work! This was good but next time try to combine your sentences into compound, complex, or compound-complex sentences. When all of the sentences are simple, it creates a sense of choppiness; there are many connector words and conjunctions that can help your writing flow.
July 15, 2023
You don't necessarily need compound or complex sentences to be a good writer or prevent choppiness. For example, children's books are written primarily in short, simple sentences. I'd say that this author's writing fits with the kind of short story that they were intending to write. Those are just my thoughts, and if they were writing a more formal, complex piece, I would totally agree with you.
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'Leave now!'
I would add more to this, since it's a story. Maybe, "Watch where you're going, dumbass!" |
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Unfulfilled hopes This sentence has been marked as perfect! Unfulfilled This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be a famous person. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be a famous person. Nothing wrong with this but "This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be famous" sounds a bit more natural to me. This is a short story about a guy who wanted to be |
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Ha had wanted to be a popular since he was born. This sentence has been marked as perfect! Ha Ha had wanted to be |
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Actually, he liked all arts, especially acting. This sentence has been marked as perfect! Actually, he liked all of the arts, especially acting.
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His mother was a talented actress in his hometown. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Therefore, he decided to become an actor. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect!
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He thought it was his duty. He thought it was his d "DUTY" implies his responsibility. Instead, you'd want to use something like "destiny" or "path" He thought it was his duty, but there was a small problem. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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But there was a small problem.
"but" cannot be used to start a sentence. Connect it with the previous one, or choose another conjunction This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Unfortunately, he had some problems with his social skills. This sentence has been marked as perfect! Unfortunately, he I tried to make it so "problem" didn't repeat. Unfortunately, he |
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He was a very quiet boy. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Once he came to a casting. This sentence has been marked as perfect!
On |
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There was a lot of people. There w A lot of people were there -> There were a lot of people. The verb is not agreeing with "there", but rather, "they'. There w There w |
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Boys and girls hoped to get a role. This sentence has been marked as perfect!
'Everyone' sounds better to me personally. Boys and girls, all hop |
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But our hero was afraid of it.
But our hero was afraid Afraid of what? But our hero was afraid |
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The boy tripped and accidentally hit another guy. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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the guy shouted with anger and the boy ran away. , the guy shouted before an independent clause, the "and" needs to be preceded by a comma the guy shouted "with anger" is implied |
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He was crying when he came home He was crying when he came is correct, but here I would use "returned" He was crying when he came home. He was crying when he |
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