yesterday
Starlight's inner trauma
Starlight thoughts blurred together, they wouldn’t take shape, and she felt herself poorly. She stared at the horizon, her eyes wide-open, she became wondering about how to change the world, what she could do to prevent others to end like she? No matter what happened within her head – there was something that she could be confident enough – That symbol, that shape in her head – Equality. She walked though Ponyville; day after day Starlight saw pretty much the same – kids relished; their parents have fun with them. Peace and quiet… Then she ran into a bunch of fillies, which parents preferred abandon them. They told me that they wanted something different, not kids. Apparently, they were under press from their siblings or someone, but it didn’t make them look better. At the moment she felt what they feel – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, she could say that by their eyes, it almost read on them. The word Equal couldn’t leave her head, even after six days in Ponyville she was still all into her idea of equality. She knew that she for sure needed to did something, unless these incidents would become and become.
She decided that desperate times calls for desperate measures, and left Ponyville. She couldn’t come up with her plan, what she should did after Ponyville. She didn’t know. Her eyes catched the horizon, which left the sky and gave it to the night. So poetic, she thought. Day after night, and then day again, it resembled her the cycle of ponies. They lived and die, then again, and again; of course, they did almost the same mistakes as the others, but looks like It didn’t bother anyone.
Starlight's inner trauma
Starlight's thoughts blurred together, they wouldn’t take shape, and she felt herself poorlybecoming ill.
If you mean she felt herself being sick, write "she felt herself becoming ill".
She stared at the horizon, her eyes wide-open, she became wondering about how to change the world, what she could do to prevent others to end like she had?
Removed some excess words. Added 'had' at the end.
No matter what happened within her head – there was something that she could be confident enough in –
confident in something.
That symbol, that shape in her head –
Equality.
She walked though Ponyville; day after day Starlight saw pretty much the same – kids relishplayed; their parents haveing fun with them.
kids relished suggests they are relishing something. I changed it to kids played as I hope that makes sense.
Peace and quiet…
Then she ran into a bunch of fillies, whichose parents preferred to abandon them.
Changed which to whose and 'to abandon'
They told me that they wanted something different, not kids.
Apparently, they were under pressure from their siblings or someone, but it didn’t make them look better.
pressure not press
At the moment she felt what they feelt – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, she could say that byee it in their eyes, itcould almost read it on them.
Changed 'feel' to 'felt' so it matches the tense used in the rest of the sentence. 'Say that by' to 'see that in'.
The word Equal cwouldn’'t leave her head, even after six days in Ponyville she was still all into her idea of equality.
couldn't implies the word could if it wanted to, wouldn't implies its staying in her head despite what she wants. 'All' makes sense but is not needed.
She knew that she for sure needed to dido something, unless these incidents would become and becomemore frequent.
'did' to 'do', correct tense.
She decided that desperate times calls for desperate measures, and left Ponyville.
times is pluaral so times call, not calls
She couldn’t come up with her plan, what she should dido after Ponyville.
She didn’t know.
Her eyes catchedught the horizon, which left the sky and gave it to the night.
correct conjugation in past tense
So poetic, she thought.
Day after night, and then day again, it resembled her the cycle of ponies.
They lived and died, then again, and again; of course, they didmade almost the same mistakes as the others, but it looks like
'lived and died' tenses match. 'made mistakes' over 'did mistakes'.
It didn’t bother anyone.
Feedback
Over all your writing was really good. I understood the meaning perfectly clear, which is all the more impressive when the writing uses metaphors and is more complicated. The main issues were the odd wrong tense or or the incorrect preposition from time to time.
yesterday
Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it
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Starlight's inner trauma This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Starlight thoughts blurred together, they wouldn’t take shape, and she felt herself poorly. Starlight's thoughts blurred together, they wouldn’t take shape, and she felt herself If you mean she felt herself being sick, write "she felt herself becoming ill". |
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She stared at the horizon, her eyes wide-open, she became wondering about how to change the world, what she could do to prevent others to end like she? She stared at the horizon, her eyes wide-open, Removed some excess words. Added 'had' at the end. |
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No matter what happened within her head – there was something that she could be confident enough – No matter what happened within her head – there was something that she could be confident enough in – confident in something. |
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That symbol, that shape in her head – This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Equality. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She walked though Ponyville; day after day Starlight saw pretty much the same – kids relished; their parents have fun with them. She walked though Ponyville; day after day Starlight saw pretty much the same – kids kids relished suggests they are relishing something. I changed it to kids played as I hope that makes sense. |
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Peace and quiet… This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Then she ran into a bunch of fillies, which parents preferred abandon them. Then she ran into a bunch of fillies, wh Changed which to whose and 'to abandon' |
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They told me that they wanted something different, not kids. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Apparently, they were under press from their siblings or someone, but it didn’t make them look better. Apparently, they were under pressure from their siblings or someone, but it didn’t make them look better. pressure not press |
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At the moment she felt what they feel – they felt miserable, utterly abandoned, she could say that by their eyes, it almost read on them. At the moment she felt what they fe Changed 'feel' to 'felt' so it matches the tense used in the rest of the sentence. 'Say that by' to 'see that in'. |
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The word Equal couldn’t leave her head, even after six days in Ponyville she was still all into her idea of equality. The word Equal couldn't implies the word could if it wanted to, wouldn't implies its staying in her head despite what she wants. 'All' makes sense but is not needed. |
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She knew that she for sure needed to did something, unless these incidents would become and become. She knew that she for sure needed to d 'did' to 'do', correct tense. |
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She decided that desperate times calls for desperate measures, and left Ponyville. She decided that desperate times call times is pluaral so times call, not calls |
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She couldn’t come up with her plan, what she should did after Ponyville. She couldn’t come up with her plan, what she should d |
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She didn’t know. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Her eyes catched the horizon, which left the sky and gave it to the night. Her eyes ca correct conjugation in past tense |
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So poetic, she thought. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Day after night, and then day again, it resembled her the cycle of ponies. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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They lived and die, then again, and again; of course, they did almost the same mistakes as the others, but looks like They lived and died, then again, and again; of course, they 'lived and died' tenses match. 'made mistakes' over 'did mistakes'. |
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It didn’t bother anyone. It didn’t bother anyone. |
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