Aug. 4, 2025
Story of Ratnag part-6
The scene moves to the palace of Haripur, where a messenger from Ratnag goes to meet King Bipswan and give him a message from the queen of Ratnag.
Messenger:
"My lord, I am a messenger of Ratnag. Our queen gave me a message.
The prince, Akram, likes your daughter and wants to marry her."
King Bipswan:
"Oh! What a good news!"
Then King Bipswan called a soldier and sent him to call Princess Naeena, to ask her about the marriage proposal. The soldier went to the princess's room and said,
"Princess, my lord is calling you."
The princess, who was in the room, answered,
"I will come soon. You may go."
Then Princess Naeena went to the king and asked,
"Father, why have you called me? What is the reason?"
King Bipswan:
"I have good news for you. Do you know King Akram?"
Naeena:
"Yes, the King of Ratnag. I met him today in the jungle."
Bipswan:
"He likes you and wants to marry you. What is your opinion?"
Naeena:
"Father, I also like him. Today, he saved my life from eagles in the jungle."
Bipswan:
"Then you agree to this proposal?"
Naeena:
"Yes, father."
Bipswan:
"OK, then. Messenger, send this information to your queen — that we agree to this proposal."
Then the messenger went back to Ratnag and told the queen,
"The king of Bipswan agrees to this proposal."
The scene moves to the palace of Haripur, where a messenger from Ratnag goes to meet King Bipswan and give him a message from the queen of Ratnag.
Nothing specifically wrong saying 'The scene moves to ...' but it sounds like you're writing a play for theater or something. In an English book, you would just write, 'The sun was beating down when a messenger from Ratnag arrived at the palace of Haripur and ...' as an example. You would typically describe the place or something as a way of introducing your scene
MThe messenger:
¶ said "My lord, I am a messenger of Ratnag.
- messenger should not be capitalised unless it's the person actual name
- Normally in an English book you will have words like 'says' to show who's speaking. Having messenger: is not correct English
- Happy to see you are now using quotation marks !
"Oh!" said King Bipswan:
¶ taken aback.
"Oh!
- Just showing how you can incorporate words like 'said' to describe who is talking in the conversation.
- taken aback adds imagery here to give the reader a better idea of how the king responded
"What a good news!" he exclaimed.
The soldier went to the princess's room and said,
¶
"Princess, my lord is calling you."
Good use of 'said' here :)
King Bipswan:
¶ replied, "I have good news for you.
Naeena:
¶"Yes, the King of Ratnag.
This is an instance where you could leave out 'Naeena says' because it's clear from context that she is replying to the king
Bipswan:
¶"He likes you and wants to marry you.
From context you could also choose to omit saying 'Bipsawn said' as well
Naeena:
¶"Father, I also like him.
Bipswan:
¶"Then you agree to this proposal?"
Naeena:
¶"Yes, father."
Bipswan:
¶"OK, then.
Feedback
Glad to see you are using quotation marks in your stories now ! Grammar on the whole and spelling is good. Next step to improve your story is to use things like 'the king exclaimed' or 'Naeena couldn't keep the smile of her face when she replied' etc to add more imagery to the story then just pure dialog. Good job!
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What a good news!" "What a good news!" he exclaimed. |
|
Then King Bipswan called a soldier and sent him to call Princess Naeena, to ask her about the marriage proposal. |
|
The soldier went to the princess's room and said, "Princess, my lord is calling you." The soldier went to the princess's room and said, Good use of 'said' here :) |
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The princess, who was in the room, answered, "I will come soon. |
|
You may go." |
|
Then Princess Naeena went to the king and asked, "Father, why have you called me? |
|
What is the reason?" |
|
Story of Ratnag part-6 |
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The scene moves to the palace of Haripur, where a messenger from Ratnag goes to meet King Bipswan and give him a message from the queen of Ratnag. The scene moves to the palace of Haripur, where a messenger from Ratnag goes to meet King Bipswan and give him a message from the queen of Ratnag. Nothing specifically wrong saying 'The scene moves to ...' but it sounds like you're writing a play for theater or something. In an English book, you would just write, 'The sun was beating down when a messenger from Ratnag arrived at the palace of Haripur and ...' as an example. You would typically describe the place or something as a way of introducing your scene |
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Messenger: "My lord, I am a messenger of Ratnag.
- messenger should not be capitalised unless it's the person actual name - Normally in an English book you will have words like 'says' to show who's speaking. Having messenger: is not correct English - Happy to see you are now using quotation marks ! |
|
Our queen gave me a message. |
|
The prince, Akram, likes your daughter and wants to marry her." |
|
King Bipswan: "Oh! "Oh!" said King Bipswan - Just showing how you can incorporate words like 'said' to describe who is talking in the conversation. - taken aback adds imagery here to give the reader a better idea of how the king responded |
|
King Bipswan: "I have good news for you. King Bipswan |
|
Do you know King Akram?" |
|
Naeena: "Yes, the King of Ratnag.
This is an instance where you could leave out 'Naeena says' because it's clear from context that she is replying to the king |
|
I met him today in the jungle." |
|
Bipswan: "He likes you and wants to marry you.
From context you could also choose to omit saying 'Bipsawn said' as well |
|
What is your opinion?" |
|
Naeena: "Father, I also like him.
|
|
Today, he saved my life from eagles in the jungle." |
|
Bipswan: "Then you agree to this proposal?"
|
|
Naeena: "Yes, father."
|
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Bipswan: "OK, then.
|
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Messenger, send this information to your queen — that we agree to this proposal." |
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Then the messenger went back to Ratnag and told the queen, "The king of Bipswan agrees to this proposal." |
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