karlalou's avatar
karlalou

Feb. 4, 2024

0
Sounds I Hear 2-2 [revised]

(I want it to be like a casual novel. Like Amy Tan.)
Several seconds passed before they flew away saying kakakakakaka.... They might have been in deep thought. The name of the birds turned out to be 'mourning dove'. It was a very unexpected name to me because they sing with soft voices but in a humorous manner. They say hoot, hoot, hoot, like owls, but in a higher tone, then once in the phrase it becomes about one octave higher and they say like 'He'. I don't know what they were mourning about, but they have not visited me for quite some time.


数秒あって、彼らはカカカカカカ…と言って飛び立った。考え事でもしていたのかもしれない。その鳥はナゲキバトというのだと分かった。私はその鳴き声は和やかだけれどすっとんきょうだと思っていたから、意外な名前だった。ホウ、ホウ、ホウ、と、フクロウの声をもっと高くしたような柔らかい声だが、何度目かは、ㇶー、と、1オクターブくらい高くなる。何を嘆いていたのか知らないけれど、来なくなってもうずいぶん長くなる。

随筆アメリカ生活
Corrections

The name of the birds' turned out to be 'mourning dove'.

"The bird's name turned out to be" would be more correct. I believe the current phrasing uses “passive voice” which is often a faux pas in writing unless done intentionally

They say hoot, hoot, hoot, like owls, but in a higher tone, t. Then, once in the phrase, it becomes about one octave higher and they say something that sounds like 'He'.

En dashes are useful to show pauses or interruptions in thought.

I don't know what they were mourning about, but they have not visited me for quite some time.

You could remove the word “about” here, as it reads somewhat awakened and omitting it gives the same meaning with a more elegant impression

Feedback

Good work, I like the poetry in the subject of the mourning dove! There is a cool Japanese photographer who only captured ravens - try to give it a google. Very haunting!

karlalou's avatar
karlalou

Feb. 5, 2024

0

Thank you. :) Oh, haunting... they are ... ominous is the word, isn't it? :P

Sounds I Hear 2-2 [revised]


(I want it to be like a casual novel.


Like Amy Tan.)


Several seconds passed before they flew away saying kakakakakaka....


They might have been in deep thought.


The name of the birds turned out to be 'mourning dove'.


The name of the birds' turned out to be 'mourning dove'.

"The bird's name turned out to be" would be more correct. I believe the current phrasing uses “passive voice” which is often a faux pas in writing unless done intentionally

It was a very unexpected name to me because they sing with soft voices but in a humorous manner.


They say hoot, hoot, hoot, like owls, but in a higher tone, then once in the phrase it becomes about one octave higher and they say like 'He'.


They say hoot, hoot, hoot, like owls, but in a higher tone, t. Then, once in the phrase, it becomes about one octave higher and they say something that sounds like 'He'.

En dashes are useful to show pauses or interruptions in thought.

I don't know what they were mourning about, but they have not visited me for quite some time.


I don't know what they were mourning about, but they have not visited me for quite some time.

You could remove the word “about” here, as it reads somewhat awakened and omitting it gives the same meaning with a more elegant impression

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