Should school put the equal emphasis on subjects like music?

Some people argue that subjects like music, art and drama should share thbe equally as importance witht as other school subjects.

This essay totally agrees with this statement because it helps students to develop their potential and to relax.

“Totally” (in this context) is seen as an informal word, and typically would not be put in an essay.

“This essay” is singular, so you have to add the “s” onto agree.

Providing primary students with more subjects like music, art and drama encourages them to fully develop their own potential inat their young age.

This is to say that classes like music and art service as a stimulusi to help students to find out their own talents, since gifts forwithin different fields vary from person to person.

“Serve” is the better verb to use in this sentence.

Since there are multiple classes, they serve as multiple stimuli instead of the singular word “stimulus”

Therefore, children can figure out what they are good at with more exposure to related fields because their ability in this field can only be fully developed only if it can be found in theirat a young age.

The word “are” needs to be included as a linking verb.

For example, it was continuous practice since hise was 11 that makde Langlang one of the most renowned pianists in China.

“One of the most” means that there are more than one, so “pianists” has to be plural.

Giving the same importance ton subjects like music and drama is a good way to reliefve students from their heavy studyies.

Use “relieve” as a verb instead of “relief” as a noun.

In other words, now that students are under considerable pressure in academia because they are asked to become top students in classrooms by their parents as well as society, they tend to hit their books all days.

InBecause of this way, theiry will be burned out, which is detrimental to their body and psychology.

“Because of this” is a better way of linking the two thoughts because it shows cause and effect.

For example, a survey from Tianjin uUniversity shows that teenagers from schools where more music and drama courses are provided are healthier both in their physical and psychological health than those who from schools where they were provided less.

Physical and psychological are adjectives, so you need to add “health” as the noun being described.

In conclusion, I totally agree withagree that schools should put more focus on subjects like music and drama because it makes a contributiones to developing students’ potential by motivating them, and it also serves as a good method to unwind.

“Students’” needs to have an apostrophe because the potential belongs to the students.