SteppeBrother's avatar
SteppeBrother

July 19, 2020

0
School Education

Nowadays, there is an argument about the school education in the society. Children with different abilities and social backgrounds have to attend school. It raises a question of how should the education system work to improve a learning process. There are variety of points of how education should handle this problem.
One of the main points is a synergy of knowledge. Children that have different minds will collaborate helping to improve critical thinking, as well as to look at problems from different perspectives.
The other is a tolerance in society. Children from mix of social backgrounds will have a big picture of the society, that will help them to understand problems of the society as a whole. As a result, it will let them handle social issues effectively in future allowing to build a better society.
The opposite side is a bad influence between students. Sometimes, children who raised in bad social environment could bring bad habits at school. Therefore, this will affect the atmosphere in classrooms. For this reason, making teachers spend their time dealing with conflicts that will disrupt the learning process.
The last is a growing for talented kids. Wide range of abilities implies that there are children who might be more talented. However, they could be forced to learn knowledge that is already obsolete for them. This could make them stuck in their development, as a result not letting them make the best out of their abilities.
To sum up, the education system sometime can’t keep up with the speed of changes in the society. Therefore, we should provide as more possibilities as we can for all children to grow and develop their abilities.


This is the first attempt for me to write an essay. It's a sample of the second task in IELTS writing test. I had only about 40 minutes to write at least 250 words and structure the sentences logically.
Please, rate it from 1 to 10 if you can. Thank you.

Corrections

School Education

Nowadays,At the moment there is an argument debate about the school education in thes in society.

"School education" feels a bit unncessary, because "the education system" often referrs to the schooling of children. Perhaps you want to clarify with "High school"?

Children with different abilities and social backgrounds have to attend school.

It has raises ad questions of how should the education system work to improve a learning processes.

There are variety of pointsuggestions of how the education system should handle this problem.

One of the main points issuggestions has been a synergy of knowledge.

I keep using the past tense - "has been" instead of "is", because the debate is something that started in the past and is ongoing. In this context, this tense feels the best to use.

Children that have different minds willperspectives on things should collaborate helping to improve their own critical thinking, as well as to look at problems from different perspectives.

The Another is a tolerance in society.

Children from mix of social backgrounds will have a big picture of the society, that will help them to understand problems of the society as a whole.

As a result, it will let them handle social issues effectively in future allowing them to build a better society.

The opposite side is a bad influence between studentHowever, this could also lead to students having bad influences.

Sometimes, children who raised in bad social environment could bring bad habits ato school.

Therefore, this willould affect the atmosphere in classrooms.

We use the conditional "would" instead of "will" because we are talking about what could/would happen IF this policy was put in place.

For this reason,This could makinge teachers spend their time dealing with conflicts that will, disrupting the learning process.

The last is a growing fornurturing talented kids.

Often the word "nurturing" is used in context of supporting children's education. The word "nurturing" means to closely look after, and is often assosiated with plants ("nurturing a flower") or children ("nurturing a child's growth")

WHaving a wide range of abilities implies that there arwill be children who might be more talented.

However, tThey could be forced to learn knowledge that is already obsolete for them.

This could make them stuck instunt their development, as a result of not letting them make the best out of their abilities.

instead of "make them stuck" (which works, but sounds quite plain), more colloquially is "stunt". Similar to "nuture", it is often applied to plants and children - to "stunt" growth is to prevent, block, or starve growth in some way.

To sum up, the education system sometimes can’t keep up with the speed of changes in the society.

Therefore, we should provide as moreany possibilities as we can for all children to grow and develop their abilities.

SteppeBrother's avatar
SteppeBrother

July 20, 2020

0

Nowadays,At the moment there is an argument debate about the school education in thes in society.

Nope. It's about the education system generally.

School Education

Nowadays, there is an argument debate about the school education in the society.

Children with different abilities and social backgrounds have to attend school.

School Education


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Nowadays, there is an argument about the school education in the society.


Nowadays, there is an argument debate about the school education in the society.

Nowadays,At the moment there is an argument debate about the school education in thes in society.

"School education" feels a bit unncessary, because "the education system" often referrs to the schooling of children. Perhaps you want to clarify with "High school"?

Children with different abilities and social backgrounds have to attend school.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

This sentence has been marked as perfect!

It raises a question of how should the education system work to improve a learning process.


It has raises ad questions of how should the education system work to improve a learning processes.

There are variety of points of how education should handle this problem.


There are variety of pointsuggestions of how the education system should handle this problem.

One of the main points is a synergy of knowledge.


One of the main points issuggestions has been a synergy of knowledge.

I keep using the past tense - "has been" instead of "is", because the debate is something that started in the past and is ongoing. In this context, this tense feels the best to use.

Children that have different minds will collaborate helping to improve critical thinking, as well as to look at problems from different perspectives.


Children that have different minds willperspectives on things should collaborate helping to improve their own critical thinking, as well as to look at problems from different perspectives.

The other is a tolerance in society.


The Another is a tolerance in society.

Children from mix of social backgrounds will have a big picture of the society, that will help them to understand problems of the society as a whole.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

As a result, it will let them handle social issues effectively in future allowing to build a better society.


As a result, it will let them handle social issues effectively in future allowing them to build a better society.

The opposite side is a bad influence between students.


The opposite side is a bad influence between studentHowever, this could also lead to students having bad influences.

Sometimes, children who raised in bad social environment could bring bad habits at school.


Sometimes, children who raised in bad social environment could bring bad habits ato school.

Therefore, this will affect the atmosphere in classrooms.


Therefore, this willould affect the atmosphere in classrooms.

We use the conditional "would" instead of "will" because we are talking about what could/would happen IF this policy was put in place.

For this reason, making teachers spend their time dealing with conflicts that will disrupt the learning process.


For this reason,This could makinge teachers spend their time dealing with conflicts that will, disrupting the learning process.

The last is a growing for talented kids.


The last is a growing fornurturing talented kids.

Often the word "nurturing" is used in context of supporting children's education. The word "nurturing" means to closely look after, and is often assosiated with plants ("nurturing a flower") or children ("nurturing a child's growth")

Wide range of abilities implies that there are children who might be more talented.


WHaving a wide range of abilities implies that there arwill be children who might be more talented.

However, they could be forced to learn knowledge that is already obsolete for them.


However, tThey could be forced to learn knowledge that is already obsolete for them.

This could make them stuck in their development, as a result not letting them make the best out of their abilities.


This could make them stuck instunt their development, as a result of not letting them make the best out of their abilities.

instead of "make them stuck" (which works, but sounds quite plain), more colloquially is "stunt". Similar to "nuture", it is often applied to plants and children - to "stunt" growth is to prevent, block, or starve growth in some way.

To sum up, the education system sometime can’t keep up with the speed of changes in the society.


To sum up, the education system sometimes can’t keep up with the speed of changes in the society.

Therefore, we should provide as more possibilities as we can for all children to grow and develop their abilities.


Therefore, we should provide as moreany possibilities as we can for all children to grow and develop their abilities.

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