Sept. 9, 2024
Rhapsody on a Piece of Rachmaninoff (Part C)
Back-to-back, exhausting concerts would regularly empty the psyche, and to preserve it, one had to be a person of an adamant, uncompromising mentality. The man of strong character, which was forged in the crucible of depression, ennobled by faith in God, and reinforced after the bereavement of Russia, died more than eighty years ago. Yet, in his musical legacy, he has left us the kernel of all the truth about life he could attain. As a pianist, conductor, and composer, he knew, among other things, all the nuances between repetition, development, and variation. This is what we need to find out what our lives actually are.
Before reading this, please read Parts A and B to understand what I'm writing about here. And please follow me on langcorrect to edit subsequent instalments of the Rhapsody. I am working on a very detailed essay, which promises to be compelling for many classical music fans, especially for Rachmaninoff's aficionados.
Back-to-back, exhausting concerts would regularly empty thehis psyche, and to preserve it, onhe had to be a person of an adamant, uncompromising mentality.
Because you are already discussing Rachmaninoff, it feels impersonal (and needlessly indirect) to pull our vantage point back further to this level of general statement. Doing this repeatedly lends a level of grandiosity to the prose that you may not have intended.
Theis man of strong character, which was forged in the crucible of depression, ennobled by faith in God, and reinforced after the bereavement of Russia, died more than eighty years ago.
Change made for the same reason as above. The more you distance yourself from the person, the more the writing elevates him to a mythical level, especially when used in concert with the effusive praise.
THe knew this is whatall we needed to find out what our lives actually are.
The sudden switch to this statement "This is what we need..." has impact, and it sounds like it may be a thesis statement of the essay, but so far as a reader, the statement needs more support to be convincing because it is a strong claim to make. So, I altered it again to be from Rachmaninoff's perspective, as for now that is the focus of the essay and I believe it more closely follows, both logically and rhetorically. I included "we needed" instead of "he needed", as I am receiving the message that you believe that this great composer was possessed of this idea of the meaning of our lives. I hope that was your intention.
Feedback
I can not simply "correct" any of this passage, as it is all grammatically sound, thus my use of the correction tool is merely convenience to point out the places I feel would make this section fit together with the rest of your essay. I hope the reasons for my "corrections" are understood and you find that information helpful in understanding the tone of your composition, whether or not you choose to change anything.
As a reader, I am a little confused by the overall composition (A, B and C) thus far. The use of powerful, emotional language makes me wonder about the author's intentions behind writing the piece (beyond practicing another language). Perhaps it will become more clear as you continue!
Sept. 10, 2024
Thanks for pointing out stylistic flaws in my work! I make edits based on your feedback, so it's very valuable to me!
Why am I writing this essay? Some time ago, the comparison of life with variations came to my mind when I listened to the Rhapsody once more. I found it very intriguing and decided to develop it. As I want to practise my English writing, I am writing the essay in English. Besides, I have the impression that I can choose English words more carefully and precisely than Russian ones because I write and speak in my Russian idiolect which is difficult to change.
As for parts A, B, etc., I divide the text I write to get detailed feedback. I've only written about half of the essay, and it's already about 1,100 words. Expect about 20 parts in total!
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Rhapsody on a Piece of Rachmaninoff (Part C) |
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Back-to-back, exhausting concerts would regularly empty the psyche, and to preserve it, one had to be a person of an adamant, uncompromising mentality. Back-to-back, exhausting concerts would regularly empty Because you are already discussing Rachmaninoff, it feels impersonal (and needlessly indirect) to pull our vantage point back further to this level of general statement. Doing this repeatedly lends a level of grandiosity to the prose that you may not have intended. |
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The man of strong character, which was forged in the crucible of depression, ennobled by faith in God, and reinforced after the bereavement of Russia, died more than eighty years ago. Th Change made for the same reason as above. The more you distance yourself from the person, the more the writing elevates him to a mythical level, especially when used in concert with the effusive praise. |
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Yet, in his musical legacy, he has left us the kernel of all the truth about life he could attain. |
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As a pianist, conductor, and composer, he knew, among other things, all the nuances between repetition, development, and variation. |
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This is what we need to find out what our lives actually are.
The sudden switch to this statement "This is what we need..." has impact, and it sounds like it may be a thesis statement of the essay, but so far as a reader, the statement needs more support to be convincing because it is a strong claim to make. So, I altered it again to be from Rachmaninoff's perspective, as for now that is the focus of the essay and I believe it more closely follows, both logically and rhetorically. I included "we needed" instead of "he needed", as I am receiving the message that you believe that this great composer was possessed of this idea of the meaning of our lives. I hope that was your intention. |
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