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murat01

July 13, 2026

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Sci-Fi Short Story: Part 3

He took a cautious step, involuntarily shuddering with excitement, but forced himself to begin:
"Mr. Tanveer, Mrs. Tanveer!"
The businessman and his wife turned at once, eyeing the broad-shouldered, dark-haired man in a lavish frock coat with interest and wariness.
With a quick, penetrating glance, Nigel assessed the bevy of his personae, the quality of his shoes, his jewelry, the class of his root personae, his manicure, his posture, and the thickness of his hair. Richard's eyes narrowed, and it took him just a moment to realize that a personae was lying on the ultracentenarian man —one so refined and high-quality that it was practically invisible.
"I sincerely apologize for disturbing you, but I need to speak with you," Kitshoff said quickly, but not at all haltingly. "Allow me to introduce myself..."
"We, of course, know who you are, Mr. Kitshoff," Nigel Tanveer III interrupted him with polite gentleness. He smiled faintly. He was the one leading this dance. "And we can even guess why you—far from being a fan of junk racing —came aboard the Adelaide."
Francesca Tanveer gracefully removed her sun glare protection device. She smiled a little sadly, which, given her highly artistic personae, was utterly charming. She nodded, either appraising the petitioner's zero-profile profile or confirming her husband's words. Then she quickly glanced around.
Richard bowed politely, skillfully masking his slight unease. He suddenly wondered if the rays of the setting sun were playing too vulgarly on the thin nanosilicon layer of his root face. And he tried to convince himself there was no reason to fear—if, following a secret plan, his love decided to observe the conversation, she would do so without revealing her presence.
Nigel Tanveer elegantly shed the sporty personae and, with a flawless, swift movement, replaced it with the essential, business one, down to the last nanoprocessor. Richard knew that within a split second, the hundred-and-forty-year-old man had imbued his consciousness not only with the precise size of the Kitshoffs' fortune, but also with the latest stock quotes.
"In that case, Mr. and Mrs. Tanveer," Richard sinvoluntarily puffed his chest up, "I see no reason to skirt around: I am here to introduce myself personally and ask for the hand of your incomparable daughter..."
+++


Сделал осторожный шаг, невольно вздрогнул от волнения, но все же заставил себя начать:
– Господин Танвир, госпожа Танвир!
Промышленник и его супруга повернулись одновременно, с интересом и настороженностью разглядывая широкоплечего темноволосого мужчину в богатом сюртуке.
Коротким цепким взглядом Найджел оценил набор его персон, качество туфель, украшения, класс корневой личности, маникюр, осанку и густоту волос. Его глаза сузились, и Ричард не сразу сообразил, что на векожителе лежит персона – такая утонченная и качественная, что была практически незаметна.
– Искренне прошу прощения за беспокойство, мне необходимо переговорить с вами, – торопливо, но отнюдь не сбивчиво проговорил Китсхофф. – Позвольте представиться…
– Мы, разумеется, знаем, кто вы такой, господин Китсхофф, – с вежливой мягкостью оборвал его Найджел Танвир Третий. Едва заметно улыбнулся. Несмотря на разницу статусов, в этом танце вел именно он. – И даже догадываемся, с какой целью вы – далеко не фанат джонк-спринта, – взошли на борт «Аделаиды».
Франческа Танвир грациозно сняла солнцезащитные фильтры. Улыбнулась чуть грустно, что при ее высокохудожественной персоне выглядело донельзя очаровательно. Кивнула, то ли оценивая нулевой профиль просителя, то ли подтверждая слова мужа. А затем быстро осмотрелась.
Ричард склонился в вежливом поклоне, умело маскируя легкую тревогу. Внезапно смутился, не излишне ли вульгарно лучи заходящего солнца играют на тонкой силитонановой пленке его корневого лица. И попытался убедить себя, что для опасений нет повода – если, следуя тайному плану, его любовь и решится наблюдать за разговором, то никоим образом не выдав присутствия.
Найджел Танвир элегантным жестом избавился от спортивной персоны и безупречно-коротким движением заменил на основную, предпринимательскую до последнего нанопроцессора. Ричард знал, что уже через долю мгновения стосорокалетний мужчина напитал сознание не только точными размерами состояния Китсхоффов, но и свежими котировками.
– В таком случае, господин и госпожа Танвир, – Ричард сдвинул пятки и невольно приосанился, – не вижу причин ходить околицами: я здесь, чтобы представиться лично и просить руки вашей несравненной дочери…

***

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Sci-Fi Short Story: Part 3

"Mr. Tanveer, Mrs. Tanveer!"

The businessman and his wife turned at once, eyeing the broad-shouldered, dark-haired man in a lavish frock coat with interest and wariness.

With a quick, penetrating glance, Nigel assessed the bevy of his personae, the quality of his shoes, his jewelry, the class of his root personae, his manicure, his posture, and the thickness of his hair.

"I sincerely apologize for disturbing you, but I need to speak with you," Kitshoff said quickly, but not at all haltingly.

"Allow me to introduce myself..."

He smiled faintly.

He was the one leading this dance.

Francesca Tanveer gracefully removed her sun glare protection device.

She smiled a little sadly, which, given her highly artistic personae, was utterly charming.

Then she quickly glanced around.

Richard bowed politely, skillfully masking his slight unease.

He suddenly wondered if the rays of the setting sun were playing too vulgarly on the thin nanosilicon layer of his root face.

And he tried to convince himself there was no reason to fear—if, following a secret plan, his love decided to observe the conversation, she would do so without revealing her presence.

Nigel Tanveer elegantly shed the sporty personae and, with a flawless, swift movement, replaced it with the essential, business one, down to the last nanoprocessor.

Richard knew that within a split second, the hundred-and-forty-year-old man had imbued his consciousness not only with the precise size of the Kitshoffs' fortune, but also with the latest stock quotes.

murat01's avatar
murat01

July 14, 2026

0
murat01's avatar
murat01

July 14, 2026

0

She nodded, either appraising the petitioner's zero-profile profile or confirming her husband's words.

It's not exactly clear what you are referring to with "zero-profile profile" (is it Richard's stature? His face from the side? Or it is another sci-fi term you are using in context that isn't entirely clear?).

Sci-Fi Short Story: Part 3


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

He took a cautious step, involuntarily shuddering with excitement, but forced himself to begin:


He took a cautious step, involuntarily shuddering with excitement, but forced himself to begin:. He took a cautious step, involuntarily shuddering with excitement, but forced himself to begin.

"Mr. Tanveer, Mrs. Tanveer!"


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

The businessman and his wife turned at once, eyeing the broad-shouldered, dark-haired man in a lavish frock coat with interest and wariness.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

"Allow me to introduce myself..."


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

With a quick, penetrating glance, Nigel assessed the bevy of his personae, the quality of his shoes, his jewelry, the class of his root personae, his manicure, his posture, and the thickness of his hair.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Richard's eyes narrowed, and it took him just a moment to realize that a personae was lying on the ultracentenarian man —one so refined and high-quality that it was practically invisible.


Richard's eyes narrowed, and it took him just a moment to realize that a personae was lying on the ultracentenarian man was wearing a personae—one so refined and high-quality that it was practically invisible. Richard's eyes narrowed, and it took him just a moment to realize that the ultracentenarian man was wearing a personae—one so refined and high-quality that it was practically invisible.

When using an em dash, putting spaces around it or not is a matter of style, but both sides of the dash should follow the same convention.

"I sincerely apologize for disturbing you, but I need to speak with you," Kitshoff said quickly, but not at all haltingly.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

"We, of course, know who you are, Mr. Kitshoff," Nigel Tanveer III interrupted him with polite gentleness.


"We, of course, know who you are, Mr. Kitshoff," Nigel Tanveer III interrupted him with polite gentlenessly. "We, of course, know who you are, Mr. Kitshoff," Nigel Tanveer III interrupted him politely.

Your original is okay, but I think this sounds a little more natural

He smiled faintly.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

He was the one leading this dance.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

"And we can even guess why you—far from being a fan of junk racing —came aboard the Adelaide."


"And we can even guess why you—far from being a fan of junk racing —came aboard the Adelaide." "And we can even guess why you—far from being a fan of junk racing—came aboard the Adelaide."

Francesca Tanveer gracefully removed her sun glare protection device.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

She smiled a little sadly, which, given her highly artistic personae, was utterly charming.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

She nodded, either appraising the petitioner's zero-profile profile or confirming her husband's words.


She nodded, either appraising the petitioner's zero-profile profile or confirming her husband's words. She nodded, either appraising the petitioner's zero-profile profile or confirming her husband's words.

It's not exactly clear what you are referring to with "zero-profile profile" (is it Richard's stature? His face from the side? Or it is another sci-fi term you are using in context that isn't entirely clear?).

Then she quickly glanced around.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Richard bowed politely, skillfully masking his slight unease.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

He suddenly wondered if the rays of the setting sun were playing too vulgarly on the thin nanosilicon layer of his root face.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

And he tried to convince himself there was no reason to fear—if, following a secret plan, his love decided to observe the conversation, she would do so without revealing her presence.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Nigel Tanveer elegantly shed the sporty personae and, with a flawless, swift movement, replaced it with the essential, business one, down to the last nanoprocessor.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Richard knew that within a split second, the hundred-and-forty-year-old man had imbued his consciousness not only with the precise size of the Kitshoffs' fortune, but also with the latest stock quotes.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

"In that case, Mr. and Mrs. Tanveer," Richard sinvoluntarily puffed his chest up, "I see no reason to skirt around: I am here to introduce myself personally and ask for the hand of your incomparable daughter..."


"In that case, Mr. and Mrs. Tanveer," Richard sinvoluntarily puffed his chest up, "I see no reason to skirt around the issue: I am here to introduce myself personally and ask for the hand of your incomparable daughter..." "In that case, Mr. and Mrs. Tanveer," Richard involuntarily puffed his chest up, "I see no reason to skirt around the issue: I am here to introduce myself personally and ask for the hand of your incomparable daughter..."

The concept of puffing one's chest up involuntarily feels a little strange, as I don't think that's an action one usually takes without meaning to. If you mean to imply that he gains confidence, as I think you do, I would probably use something like, "Richard pulled his shoulders back/stood up straighter". Or maybe just remove "involuntarily" entirely.

+++


With a quick, penetrating glance, Nigel assessed his personas, the quality of his shoes, his jewelry, the class of his root personae, his manicure, his posture, and the thickness of his hair.


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