March 21, 2022
Book - A Shot in the Dark - 57
Part no. 57
This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s unfolding as you read it).
As Sergeant Brunswick leaves Penny’s lodgings, he feels relieved and pleased. Brunswick has gathered a great deal of information from interviewing her. Before that, he knew little on Bobby Melma. Although he hasn’t gained any clear insights on Bobby Melma—assuming it is his real name—he has obtained some promising leads to follow up. Since he’s sure that Penny is concealing something, Brunswick will have her under constant surveillance.
Constable Twitten is on his way to the Albion Bank in Middle street. Even though the bank was robbed over ten years ago, he thinks it a clever move to return to the place where the crime unfolded. Despite his thoroughness, it hasn’t dawned on him that the bank may still employ someone that might have been involved with the crime. Once inside the bank, Twitten starts questioning the director. Twitten learns that the two perpetrators behaved like any regular customers at first, and when they took out the guns, no one dared to look at them. Though, what strikes Twitten the most, as well as the director, is that the robbery took place on the 16th, while the bank would have been full of money the next day.
Correction Settings
Before thate interview, he knew little onabout Bobby Melma.
Before the interview, he knew little about Bobby Melma.
Although he hadoesn’´t gainedhave any clear insights onabout Bobby Melma—assuming it is his real name—he has obtained some promising leads to follow up.
Although he doesn´t have any clear insights about Bobby Melma—assuming it is his real name—he has obtained some promising leads to follow up.
Be cearful with tense, you are jumping between present and past a lot. If writing in present I would write in first person.
Constable Twitten is on his way to the Albion Bank in Middle street.
Constable Twitten is on his way to Albion Bank in Middle street.
Even though the bank was robbed over ten years ago, he thinks it a clever move to return to the place where the crime unfoldstarted.
Even though the bank was robbed over ten years ago, he thinks it a clever move to return to the place where the crime started.
we wouldn't say unfolded.
Despite his thoroughness, it hasn’t dawned on him that the bank may still employ someone that might have beenwho was involved within the crime.
Despite his thoroughness, it hasn’t dawned on him that the bank may still employ someone who was involved in the crime.
Though, what strikes Twitten as odd the most, as well as the director, is that the robbery took place on the 16th, while the bank would have been full of money the next day. Though, what strikes Twitten as odd the most, as well as the director, is that the robbery took place on the 16th, while the bank would have been full of money the next day.
Feedback
Your writting is overall great. I would say to write a shorter story that is more condensed on one time period and doesn't jump around as much. It is a bit hard to read without the context of the book. Keep going!
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Book - A Shot in the Dark - 57 |
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Part no. |
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57 |
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This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s unfolding as you read it). |
|
As Sergeant Brunswick leaves Penny’s lodgings, he feels relieved and pleased. |
|
Brunswick has gathered a great deal of information from interviewing her. |
|
Before that, he knew little on Bobby Melma.
Before th |
|
Although he hasn’t gained any clear insights on Bobby Melma—assuming it is his real name—he has obtained some promising leads to follow up.
Although he Be cearful with tense, you are jumping between present and past a lot. If writing in present I would write in first person. |
|
Since he’s sure that Penny is concealing something, Brunswick will have her under constant surveillance. |
|
Constable Twitten is on his way to the Albion Bank in Middle street.
Constable Twitten is on his way to |
|
Even though the bank was robbed over ten years ago, he thinks it a clever move to return to the place where the crime unfolded.
Even though the bank was robbed over ten years ago, he thinks it a clever move to return to the place where the crime we wouldn't say unfolded. |
|
Despite his thoroughness, it hasn’t dawned on him that the bank may still employ someone that might have been involved with the crime.
Despite his thoroughness, it hasn’t dawned on him that the bank may still employ someone |
|
Once inside the bank, Twitten starts questioning the director. |
|
Twitten learns that the two perpetrators behaved like any regular customers at first, and when they took out the guns, no one dared to look at them. |
|
Though, what strikes Twitten the most, as well as the director, is that the robbery took place on the 16th, while the bank would have been full of money the next day. Though, what strikes Twitten as odd the most, as well as the director, is that the robbery took place on the 16th, while the bank would have been full of money the next day. Though, what strikes Twitten as odd the most, as well as the director, is that the robbery took place on the 16th, while the bank would have been full of money the next day. |
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