Some people tend to think that great tphinklosophers orand scientists had a big impact on the world because they gave themselves completely to their work and did not have an ideainternalize the concept of “work-life balance”.

It seems to me that it is an incorrect way of picturing a life of success.However, this point of view lacks merit because…

The transition between the two sentences does not make sense.

It is undoubtedly true that more time spendingt on work can lead to a better economic placesuccess.

However, an unhealthy work-life balance can provoke anlead to emotional and physical dissatisfied life.problems.

Focus less on vocab and more on developing the argument and writing grammatically correct sentences to improve the flow of the essay.

That is a result of a lack of social support and activities that fulfill people's lifcan help one relax and recharge.

It is important that workers spentd their time ion social activities such as playing board games or outdoor sports, where they can bond with other people.

That helpsIn this manner, workers tocan have an emotional support, which is essential to be happy.improved support to promote well-being.

Secondly, when people devote their life to their jobs and companies, they miss out other activities that they can enjoy, which is also negative to their creativity.

Having hobbies or practicing some sports bring benefits for the brain, because it creates new neural connections.

This is not correct actually and is confusing. It improved blood flow and activates areas of the brain less active…

That is especially relevant for creative people.

For instance, every day after my father runs, he feels freshady to solve work problems or find new solutions.

In conclusion, having a work-life balance have somes emotional and physical advantages and alsocan helps people to develop theirromote creativity.

Some peopleThere is a tendency to think that great thinkers or scientists had a big impact on the world because they gave themselves completely to their work and did not have an ideare the concept of “work-life balance”.

Honestly what you wrote sounds fine but I came up with something slightly different here.

It seems to me that ithis is an incorrect misguided way of pictmeasuring a life of successsuccess in life.

While this makes sense, I've corrected this to sound a bit more natural and emphasize that this is more of a personal opinion than something that's provably true (though I agree :-) )

I would argue that people should try to have a good work-life balance that makes them happyfeel happy and fulfilled.

"happy and fulfilled" is often used when talking about this topic.

It is undoubtedly true that more time spending ont working can lead to a better economic placesituation.

You can also talk about this in terms of increased income or wealth.

However, an unhealthy work-life balance can provoke anleave you feeling emotionally and physical dissatisfied lifely drained.

I had to think hard about how to write this to be honest while keeping a similar meaning...

Statistics demonstrateResearch shows that psychological conditions such as depression and anxiety are linked to overwork.

While statistics will show this, it sounds more natural to talk about the research itself that they came from.

That is a result ofis can be caused by a lack of social support and activities that fulfill people's lifeves.

Wording this sentence like this means you can make this point while also leaving open the possibility that other things can cause these effects as well. Don't forge the plural too!

It is important that workerspeople spentd their time engaging in social activities, such as playing board games or outdoor sports, where they can bond with other people.

While I understand that the context of this writing is about people that work a lot, the term "workers" tends to apply specifically to people working for someone else as part of a company. Really you are talking about anyone that works long hours so it's okay to refer to them just as "people" here.

Thatis helps workers to have anpeople to receive emotional support, which is essential to be happyfor happiness.

Edited for naturalness here.

Secondly, when people devote their life to their jobs and companies, they miss out on other activities that canthey could enjoy, which is also negative toly affects their creativity.

Having hobbies or practicing some sports also brings benefits for the brain, because it, because it helps the brain creates new neural connections.

Using "also" here because it's connected to the previous sentence in a way.

Thatis is especially relevant for creative people.

By disconnecting from work, people are able to recharge their energy and are better able to find new perspectives.

Personally I think "better able" is one of those weird English sounding phrases that doesn't sound that natural but we've used it so much that it does now :-)

For instance, every day after my father runs, he feels refreshed and more able to solve work problems or find new solutions.

In conclusion, having a healthy work-life balance haves some emotional and physical advantages and also helps people to develop their creativity.

Some people tend to think that great thinkers or scientists had a big impact on the world because they gave themselves completely to their work and did not have an idea of “work-life balance”.

Your thoughts are obvious and clear. I am cutting down on redundent words. This is a matter of preference, however your ideas are crystal clear.

It seems tTo me, that it isis seems like an incorrect way tof picturing a life of success.e a successful life.

Your thoughts are clear. I am editting to make it sound more "natural."

I would argue that people should try to have a good work-life balance that makes them happy.

It is undoubtedly true that more time spendingt on work can lead to a better economic placesituation.

However, an unhealthy work-life balance can provoke anlead to emotional and physical dissatisfiedaction with life.

It is important that workers spent some of their time in social activities such as playing board games or outdoor sports, where they can bond with other people.

spend some of their time, not all of it

That helps workers to have an emotional support, which is essential to be happy.

Secondly, when people devote their life to their jobs and companies, they miss out other activities that can enjoy, which is alsocan be negative to their creativity.

Having hobbies or practicing some sports bring benefits for the brain, because it creates new neural connections.

That is especially relevant for creative people.

For instance, every day after my father runs, he feels fresh and ready to solve work problems or find new solutions.

In conclusion, having a work-life balance haves some emotional and physical advantages and also helps people to develop their creativity.