Nov. 12, 2022
Please review my essay,
2. Describe a family member who you want to work with in the future
You should say:
Who he/she is
Whether you worked together before
What kind of work you would like to do with him/her
And explain how you feel about this family member
I would like to work with my younger brother if there is a chance in the future. He was born in 2000, so he is 22 years old now. He is currently studying at Ho Chi Minh City University of Technology, and his major is computer engineering. There is nothing special about his appearance; he looks just like other men at his age, except that his hair is shoulder-length. He usually ties his hair back in a ponytail. I think he does this in order to achieve a disheveled yet romantic appeal that is usually linked to men with long hair. My mother dislikes his hairstyle, but in my opinion, it does suit him.
My dream is that over the next four years, I will be able to open a small English private school. However, I will need to have a solid, easy-to-use, clear, and well-organized website so that my future students can enroll in classes and find study content easily. But I have no knowledge in this field, so I will need to hire a web developer. Also, I am absolutely ignorant of handling a webpage, so I will need a person that can teach me how to use the web hand to hand and check it frequently. However, I think no one will be patient enough to do this, and paying for a web developer and a computer service technician will be too costly for a startup institution. But fortunately, my brother is more than qualified to take those two roles. Even though I never work with him before, I have many times seen him create and design websites as his homework or for his part-time job. He always shows me the websites he made to brag. Although I don’t like his boasts, I have to admit that he is pretty good at it. He can also fix website errors and sometimes does this to earn money in his free time. As we are family, I believe that I can persuade him to take a salary that I can afford, and he can be more tolerant of answering my silly technology-related questions. So it would be much easier for me to accomplish my dream if I have my brother working for me.
My dream is that over the next four years, I will be able to open a small English privateprivate English school.
i think my rephrasing technically has the same problem, it's obvious what you meant though so the error is negligible
when you put English first, it describes the whole noun phrase "private school" - meaning the private school is English. which would mean it's in England. but you meant the language, so I think using "English" to describe just school alone makes it more obvious that the school is for teaching/learning English. or it could still mean the school is in England. context makes it obvious what you mean, but there is still some ambiguity technically.
if you wanted to totally remove it, you could say "a small private school for learning English."
i just haven't found ANYTHING to correct so far so i'm being nitpicky
Also, I am absolutely ignorant ofregarding handling a webpage, so I will need a person thatwho can teach me how to use the web hand to handdo that and check it frequently.
this phrasing is still a bit unnatural but i try to keep me rewriting as close to the original author's - i think most people would say "I have no idea how to handle a webpage" or "I don't know the first thing about running a website" instead
"that" and "who" have the same meaning basically, but we use "who" for people
i'm not sure what "hand to hand" meant - did you mean you'd need somebody to (figuratively) hold your hand through the process? and "use the web" implies using the internet in any capacity, like we are right now. but you mean the creation/maintenance of your own website. so you could also write "I will need a person who can teach me how to create a website" but since you already explained that in the first half of your sentence i just replaced it with "do that" :p
However, I think no one will be patient enough to do this, and paying for a web developer and a computer service technician will be too costly for a startup institution.
not incorrect, but i think using the conditional for the second half of this sentence would sound slightly more natural:
...paying for a web developer and a computer service technician would be too costly...
Even though I've never worked with him before, I have many times seen him create and design websites as his homework or for his part-time job.
never before = have to use the present or past perfect - some kind of past tense
So it would be much easier for me to accomplish my dream if I haved my brother working for me.
when you have a condition-clause & if-statement, if the condition is "would + verb," then the if-statement must be in the past tense (had).
Feedback
you write really well!! i was worried i wouldn't have anything to correct or help with lol
Nov. 13, 2022
Also, I am absolutely ignorant ofregarding handling a webpage, so I will need a person thatwho can teach me how to use the web hand to handdo that and check it frequently.
I wanted to use an idiomatic expression that means they will teach me "thoroughly and every part of the process", but I could not.
Would you mind suggest me one?
Nov. 13, 2022
So it would be much easier for me to accomplish my dream if I haved my brother working for me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am really grateful for your help.
Nov. 13, 2022
I wanted to use an idiomatic expression that means they will teach me "thoroughly and every part of the process", but I could not. Would you mind suggest me one?
the phrase you were looking for was "to hold (one's) hand" then - you'd simply say "I'll need someone to hold my hand through the process."
holding someone's hand (figuratively/idiomatically) means someone will help you through something as if you were a child, it can be kind of rude if you're saying you have to hold someone's hand through something (because it's kind of like calling them a child/idiot) but it's not rude to use it with yourself
Nov. 13, 2022
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am really grateful for your help.
no problem :)
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Please review my essay, |
|
2. Describe a family member who you want to work with in the future |
|
You should say: |
|
Who he/she is |
|
Whether you worked together before |
|
What kind of work you would like to do with him/her |
|
And explain how you feel about this family member |
|
I would like to work with my younger brother if there is a chance in the future. |
|
He was born in 2000, so he is 22 years old now. |
|
He is currently studying at Ho Chi Minh City University of Technology, and his major is computer engineering. |
|
There is nothing special about his appearance; he looks just like other men at his age, except that his hair is shoulder-length. |
|
He usually ties his hair back in a ponytail. |
|
I think he does this in order to achieve a disheveled yet romantic appeal that is usually linked to men with long hair. |
|
My mother dislikes his hairstyle, but in my opinion, it does suit him. |
|
My dream is that over the next four years, I will be able to open a small English private school. My dream is that over the next four years, I will be able to open a small i think my rephrasing technically has the same problem, it's obvious what you meant though so the error is negligible when you put English first, it describes the whole noun phrase "private school" - meaning the private school is English. which would mean it's in England. but you meant the language, so I think using "English" to describe just school alone makes it more obvious that the school is for teaching/learning English. or it could still mean the school is in England. context makes it obvious what you mean, but there is still some ambiguity technically. if you wanted to totally remove it, you could say "a small private school for learning English." i just haven't found ANYTHING to correct so far so i'm being nitpicky |
|
However, I will need to have a solid, easy-to-use, clear, and well-organized website so that my future students can enroll in classes and find study content easily. |
|
But I have no knowledge in this field, so I will need to hire a web developer. |
|
Also, I am absolutely ignorant of handling a webpage, so I will need a person that can teach me how to use the web hand to hand and check it frequently. Also, I am absolutely ignorant this phrasing is still a bit unnatural but i try to keep me rewriting as close to the original author's - i think most people would say "I have no idea how to handle a webpage" or "I don't know the first thing about running a website" instead "that" and "who" have the same meaning basically, but we use "who" for people i'm not sure what "hand to hand" meant - did you mean you'd need somebody to (figuratively) hold your hand through the process? and "use the web" implies using the internet in any capacity, like we are right now. but you mean the creation/maintenance of your own website. so you could also write "I will need a person who can teach me how to create a website" but since you already explained that in the first half of your sentence i just replaced it with "do that" :p |
|
However, I think no one will be patient enough to do this, and paying for a web developer and a computer service technician will be too costly for a startup institution. However, I think no one will be patient enough to do this, and paying for a web developer and a computer service technician will be too costly for a startup institution. not incorrect, but i think using the conditional for the second half of this sentence would sound slightly more natural: ...paying for a web developer and a computer service technician would be too costly... |
|
But fortunately, my brother is more than qualified to take those two roles. |
|
Even though I never work with him before, I have many times seen him create and design websites as his homework or for his part-time job. Even though I've never worked with him before, I have many times seen him create and design websites as his homework or for his part-time job. never before = have to use the present or past perfect - some kind of past tense |
|
He always shows me the websites he made to brag. |
|
Although I don’t like his boasts, I have to admit that he is pretty good at it. |
|
He can also fix website errors and sometimes does this to earn money in his free time. |
|
As we are family, I believe that I can persuade him to take a salary that I can afford, and he can be more tolerant of answering my silly technology-related questions. |
|
So it would be much easier for me to accomplish my dream if I have my brother working for me. So it would be much easier for me to accomplish my dream if I ha when you have a condition-clause & if-statement, if the condition is "would + verb," then the if-statement must be in the past tense (had). |
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