July 11, 2022
On to the White Line
After an eight-hour journey, she arrived at the Orion Base station. Duro, her old buddy, was already on the platform.
"Welcome. It's colder than I imagined; you'll be grateful that I brought extra fuel." Duro smiled as he exhaled a puff of white air. "I got a text from there, and we're leaving in 4 hours."
Great, she remarked. I'm not sleepy at all. I bet you're not sleepy either, are you?
So they intended to take a stroll and eat something. Then she noticed a strange figure looming in the distance. Through the telescope, it appeared to be a slow-moving creature with silvery fur. Despite Duro's reluctance of exploration, they followed the monster; she insisted on "just getting a little closer to observe." Besides, Duro, we have a gun. She winked as she patted her holster. It'll be fine.
It's always been this way. When they were children residing in Astro-F, also referred to as Astro-F Resettlement Area, she was always the commander of the adventure games. At the horizon of Astro-F, there was always a silver arc of light flashing, and the adults never explained what it was. She would often tell Duro, "Let's on to the White Line!," as they refer to it. They‘d tried countless times but never made it. What if she ever did one day? Perhaps nothing was there. While calmly contemplating the creature wrapped in the similar shiny arc, Duro pondered.
After an eight-hour journey, she arrived at the Orion Base station.
Duro, hHer old buddy, Duro was already on the platform.
Yours is fine, this just reads more naturally to me.
It's colder than I imaginedthought; you'll be grateful that I brought extra fuel."
Duro smiled as he exhaled a puff, exhaling a cloud of white air.
The sentence structure is fine - again, this just reads more naturally to me. In this sentence, "puff" has connotations that he's smoking, not that his breath is visible in the cold, so I replaced it with "cloud".
"I got a text from there, and we're leaving in 4 hours."
"Great," she remarked.
"I'm not sleepy at all.
I bet you're not sleepy either, are you?"
So they intended to take a stroll and eat something.
Then she noticed a strange figure looming in the distance.
Through the telescope, it appeared to be a slow-moving creature with silvery fur.
Despite Duro's reluctance tof exploratione, they followed the monster; she insisted on "just getting a little closer to observe."
"Besides, Duro, we have a gun."
You might want to put her dialogue in a new paragraph. Traditionally, dialogue from a new speaker starts a new paragraph.
She winked as she patted her holster.
"It'll be fine."
It's had always been this way.
The rest of the text is written in past tense, so this should be written in past tense too.
When they were children residing in Astro-F, also referred to as Astro-F Resettlement Area, she was always the commander of the adventure games.
AtOn the horizon of Astro-F, there was always a silver arc of light flashing, and the adults never explained what it was.
She would often tell Duro, "Let's gon to the White Line!," as they referred to it.
I don't know if keeping the exclamation point or the comma at the end of the dialogue is better. I kept the exclamation point because it keeps her enthusiasm, but the dialogue leads into the "as they refer to it" section better if there's a comma. Either way, you don't use both at the end of dialogue. It's fine to use the exclamation point and then continue a sentence, like in my correction, it just takes more effort to understand what part is the part they refer to it as. You might not need "as they referred to it" at all, it's easy to work out from context.
They‘d tried countless times but never made it.
What if she ever did one day?
Perhaps nothing was there.
While calmly contemplating the creature wrapped in thea similar shiny arc, Duro pondered.
I don't know what you mean by "wrapped" in this sentence. In addition, I wouldn't say that Duro is "contemplating" and that he "pondered" in the same sentence, since they're synonyms, especially not without clarifying what he's pondering.
Feedback
I loved reading this! I really like science-fiction, and writing fiction in a second language is something I'd like to do one day. Was it intentional that you never used her name in this passage? It struck me as odd, but it could be a fun choice if you meant it.
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On to the White Line |
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After an eight-hour journey, she arrived at the Orion Base station. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Duro, her old buddy, was already on the platform.
Yours is fine, this just reads more naturally to me. |
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"Welcome. |
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It's colder than I imagined; you'll be grateful that I brought extra fuel." It's colder than I |
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Duro smiled as he exhaled a puff of white air. Duro smiled The sentence structure is fine - again, this just reads more naturally to me. In this sentence, "puff" has connotations that he's smoking, not that his breath is visible in the cold, so I replaced it with "cloud". |
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"I got a text from there, and we're leaving in 4 hours." This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Great, she remarked. "Great," she remarked. |
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I'm not sleepy at all. "I'm not sleepy at all. |
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I bet you're not sleepy either, are you? I bet you're not sleepy either, are you?" |
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So they intended to take a stroll and eat something. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Then she noticed a strange figure looming in the distance. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Through the telescope, it appeared to be a slow-moving creature with silvery fur. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Despite Duro's reluctance of exploration, they followed the monster; she insisted on "just getting a little closer to observe." Despite Duro's reluctance to |
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Besides, Duro, we have a gun. "Besides, Duro, we have a gun." You might want to put her dialogue in a new paragraph. Traditionally, dialogue from a new speaker starts a new paragraph. |
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She winked as she patted her holster. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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It'll be fine. "It'll be fine." |
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It's always been this way. It The rest of the text is written in past tense, so this should be written in past tense too. |
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When they were children residing in Astro-F, also referred to as Astro-F Resettlement Area, she was always the commander of the adventure games. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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At the horizon of Astro-F, there was always a silver arc of light flashing, and the adults never explained what it was.
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She would often tell Duro, "Let's on to the White Line!," as they refer to it. She would often tell Duro, "Let's go I don't know if keeping the exclamation point or the comma at the end of the dialogue is better. I kept the exclamation point because it keeps her enthusiasm, but the dialogue leads into the "as they refer to it" section better if there's a comma. Either way, you don't use both at the end of dialogue. It's fine to use the exclamation point and then continue a sentence, like in my correction, it just takes more effort to understand what part is the part they refer to it as. You might not need "as they referred to it" at all, it's easy to work out from context. |
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They‘d tried countless times but never made it. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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What if she ever did one day? This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Perhaps nothing was there. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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While calmly contemplating the creature wrapped in the similar shiny arc, Duro pondered. While calmly contemplating the creature wrapped in I don't know what you mean by "wrapped" in this sentence. In addition, I wouldn't say that Duro is "contemplating" and that he "pondered" in the same sentence, since they're synonyms, especially not without clarifying what he's pondering. |
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