Oct. 9, 2021
October 9th, 2021
I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara early this morning. There is an ancient tomb called Ishibutai Kofun. I left my house at 4:50 am and arrived at 6:00 am. However, an ancient tomb was not open because it opens at 8:30 am. I got home at 7:35 am.
Here are some photos: http://namiki.opal.ne.jp/bike/2021/20211009/w800/index-e.html
奈良の明日香村まで早朝ツーリングに行きました。そこには石舞台という古墳があります。4時50分に家を出て、6時に明日香村に到着しました。しかし、石舞台古墳は8時半オープンなので、閉まっていました。家には7時35分に着きました。
こちらが写真です。
http://namiki.opal.ne.jp/bike/2021/20211009/w800/index-e.html
I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara early this morning.
Try this: "Early this morning, I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara."
Putting the time phrase at the start of a sentence often looks and feels a little bit better.
Otherwise, try putting a coma into your original sentence as follows:
"I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara, early this morning.
There is an ancient tomb there called Ishibutai Kofun.
Try this joined-up sentence:
Early this morning, leaving my house at 4.50 am, I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara to see an ancient tomb there, called Ishibutal Kofun.
You could leave out the phrase "early this morning", just leaving in "4.50 am", unless you wanted to leave both in the sentence for added effect and emphasis.
I left my house at 4:50 am and arrived at 6:00 am.
This sentence is fine, but see above.
However, anthe ancient tomb was not open because it opens at 8:30 am.
Try joining-up again:
However, arriving at the tomb at 6.00 am, I was disappointed to learn that it would not be open until 8.30 am.
I got home at 7:35 am.
This sentence is fine. Consider also:
So, I just decided to return home, getting back at 7.35 am.
Here are some photos: http://namiki.opal.ne.jp/bike/2021/20211009/w800/index-e.html
Feedback
Nice story, and nice photographs! Thank you.
Some advice: when you have written your draft for any journal you do, before submitting it here at LangCorrect, ask yourself if you could do anything to the text to join-up some of the sentences. Joining-up might help your text flow better and provide more interest for the reader. See my suggestions above. Here is my suggested text in full:
October 9th, 2021
Early this morning, leaving my house at 4.50 am, I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara to see an ancient tomb there, called Ishibutal Kofun. However, arriving at the tomb at 6.00 am, I was disappointed to learn that it would not be open until 8.30 am. So, I just decided to return home, getting back at 7.35 am.
___________________
I appreciate that if your text forms part of a quick diary entry, the sentences might be less joined-up, but I would suggest aiming to improve the flow of your sentences in your submissions to LangCorrect. I'm always happy to help you with this! You are doing well!
Sincerely,
mjm
Oct. 18, 2021
Thank you!
|
I got home at 7:35 am. I got home at 7:35 am. This sentence is fine. Consider also: So, I just decided to return home, getting back at 7.35 am. |
|
October 9th, 2021 |
|
I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara early this morning. I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara early this morning. Try this: "Early this morning, I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara." Putting the time phrase at the start of a sentence often looks and feels a little bit better. Otherwise, try putting a coma into your original sentence as follows: "I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara, early this morning. |
|
There is an ancient tomb called Ishibutai Kofun. There is an ancient tomb there called Ishibutai Kofun. Try this joined-up sentence: Early this morning, leaving my house at 4.50 am, I rode my motorcycle to Asuka village in Nara to see an ancient tomb there, called Ishibutal Kofun. You could leave out the phrase "early this morning", just leaving in "4.50 am", unless you wanted to leave both in the sentence for added effect and emphasis. |
|
I left my house at 4:50 am and arrived at 6:00 am. I left my house at 4:50 am and arrived at 6:00 am. This sentence is fine, but see above. |
|
However, an ancient tomb was not open because it opens at 8:30 am. However, Try joining-up again: However, arriving at the tomb at 6.00 am, I was disappointed to learn that it would not be open until 8.30 am. |
|
Here are some photos: http://namiki.opal.ne.jp/bike/2021/20211009/w800/index-e.html This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
You need LangCorrect Premium to access this feature.
Go Premium