yesterday
Starlight's slow descending into the monster
No matter how hard she tried, Starlight was still young, fearless, and had a tendency to overestimate her abilities, and it would be an understatement to say she didn’t. Starlight’s plans were huge, but she didn’t have enough magic, or knowledge or a way to do that; she barely knew about where she sure needed to head. She had simple, but coherent thought in her head – she needed to find a magic book. Or steal it. When she returned to Ponyville once again she stole couple of coins from the old man, who was wandering around. Then, she asked some pony if there was some market or something like that; after response, she headed to the city of black marble, and exquisite houses - The Decadence. The decadence was a huge town, but its name didn’t play tricks with you; of course, this city could seem beautiful and friendly, but inside its houses and sculptors’ delicate work it’s decaying society of ponies whose had desire to kill each other. It looked more like a husk of that society they pretended to be in my humble opinion. Her mind was switched to the important task – find the market. She wandered and wandered, but then, when she decided to rest near poor-scenting house, she noticed something. Apparently, there was a poor pony; he rose to his feet and started to walk near the wall of that scenting house. Her eyes were wide-open, as she wondered about direction he was headed to, and maybe, it would be her chance to finally solve this puzzle.
Starlight's slow descendingt into thebecoming a monster
No matter how hard she tried, Starlight was still, though young, and fearless, and had a tendency to overestimate her abilities, and i. It would be an understatement to say she didn’t.
Starlight’s plans were huge, but she didn’t have enough magic, or knowledge or even a way to do that; she barely knew about where she sure needed to headcarry her plans out. She barely knew where to start.
She had one simple, but coherent thought in her head – she needed to find a magic book.
simple and coherent here are doing the same thing, so I think you don't need both.
Or steal it.
When she returned to Ponyville once again she stole couple of coins from thean old man, who was wandering around.
"returned" and "once again" are doing the same thing here.
Unless "the" old man is a previously recurring character, it should be "an" old man.
Then, she asked some ponyies if there was somea market or something like that; after response, she headed to thenearby. They told her to try The Decadence, a city of black marble, andfilled with exquisite houses - The Decadence.
The dDecadence was a huge town, but its name didn’t play tricks with you;lived up to its name.
of course, this city couldOn the surface it seemed beautiful and friendly, but inside its beautiful houses and sculptors’amongst its delicate work it’ss of art was a decaying society of ponies whose hadmain desire was to kill each other.
It looked more like a husk of that society they pretended to be in my humble opinionShe sensed that beneath the surface there was nothing, only the husk of a society.
Her mind was switched to theBut she focussed on what was important task – finding the market.
She wandered and wandered, but then unable to find the market, wthen she decideding to rest near poor-scentinga run-down housme, she noticed somethingsaw someone.
Apparently, there was a poor pony; hThere was a pony who looked thin and rough. He rose to his feet and started to walk near the wall of that scentinge run-down housme.
Her eyes were wide-open, asWatching him, she wondered aboutwhich direction he was headed to, and maybe,whether it would be her chance to finally solve this puzzlefind the market.
Feedback
Sorry, I probably went overboard, but as it is now, it doesn't flow together. She's looking for a market and then she's solving a puzzle. Anyway, I hope the suggestions help.
yesterday
No problem! I always seek a way of how to refine my texts :)
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Starlight's slow descending into the monster Starlight's slow descen |
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No matter how hard she tried, Starlight was still young, fearless, and had a tendency to overestimate her abilities, and it would be an understatement to say she didn’t. No matter how hard she tried, Starlight |
|
Starlight’s plans were huge, but she didn’t have enough magic, or knowledge or a way to do that; she barely knew about where she sure needed to head. Starlight’s plans were huge, but she didn’t have enough magic, |
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She had simple, but coherent thought in her head – she needed to find a magic book. She had one simple simple and coherent here are doing the same thing, so I think you don't need both. |
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Or steal it. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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When she returned to Ponyville once again she stole couple of coins from the old man, who was wandering around. When she returned to Ponyville "returned" and "once again" are doing the same thing here. Unless "the" old man is a previously recurring character, it should be "an" old man. |
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Then, she asked some pony if there was some market or something like that; after response, she headed to the city of black marble, and exquisite houses - The Decadence. Then, she asked some pon |
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The decadence was a huge town, but its name didn’t play tricks with you; The |
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of course, this city could seem beautiful and friendly, but inside its houses and sculptors’ delicate work it’s decaying society of ponies whose had desire to kill each other.
|
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It looked more like a husk of that society they pretended to be in my humble opinion.
|
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Her mind was switched to the important task – find the market.
|
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She wandered and wandered, but then, when she decided to rest near poor-scenting house, she noticed something. She wandered and wandered |
|
Apparently, there was a poor pony; he rose to his feet and started to walk near the wall of that scenting house.
|
|
Her eyes were wide-open, as she wondered about direction he was headed to, and maybe, it would be her chance to finally solve this puzzle.
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