March 20, 2022
Sometimes you ask yourself the question how are your (perfect day) .My perfect day looks so first a bath with soap and bubble and my favourite shampoo and my favourite clothes a dress that me stand with my hat . After that the breakfast with strawberry pancakes waffels and hot chocolate with cream. Then the school . My favourite school subject math the whole day and we have only three hours school and then in my favourite shopping center first we go the chinesse resturant to lunch. My favourite food is the duck with rice and to there a cold ice tea with a piece of lemon until afternoon and to dessert would we go to the ice cream-shop . After that we go to the Saturn and buy me a new smart phone. If we are home we watch my favourite movies until to the dinner. We eat pizza hawai with lemon and watch until to mightnight.
my perfect day
Sometimes you ask yourself the question how areWhat would your (perfect day) . look like? My perfect day looks so first a bath with soap andbegins with a bath using my bubble soap and my favourite shampoo, andfter which I wear my favourite clothes a dress that me stdress and withs myatching hat .
The phrase you use in the first sentence is used incorrectly. A correct way to use that phrase for the posts first sentence would be something like
"Sometimes, its worth asking yourself what your perfect day would look like."
This kind of introduction implies that you will talk about why thinking about your perfect day is important. Your post doesn't do that, so in the correction I replaced it with a rhetorical question. The rhetorical question still introduces the idea of your post, but it does not imply anything else.
Writing a sequence of events in English is hard. English has many words and phrases that indicate when something is happening. If you use too many of the same types of indicators, sequence of events becomes boring or hard to understand. "First" is a good way to begin a sequence of events, but only if its used in certain ways.
"First, I visited the park." is a correct usage.
"I wanted to take a picture of a duck, so I first visited the park." is a correct usage.
"My journey for the duck photo would be I first visited the park." is incorrect usage and grammar.
To keep this sentence structure we need a different indicator: begins
"My journey for the duck photo began when I visited the park."
In fact, we can now reuse "first" in this corrected sentence!
"My journey for the duck photo began when I first visited the park."
Be careful when you stack indicators like this, because it slightly changes the meaning. This sentence now implies that I visited park several times, or that I never visited the park ever before. The previous version of this sentence doesn't imply these things.
I don't think you want to wear your favorite clothes while you are in the bath, wearing your favorite clothes needs to have a sequence indicator like "then". Because I corrected your sentence to use "begins", I can't indicate the next event using "then" unless I stack the indicator "first".
"My perfect day begins first with a bath using my bubble soap and my favorite shampoo. Then, I wear my favorite dress and its matching hat."
I corrected the sentence with "after which" because it has the same meaning as "then", doesn't need the word "first" to be added to the sentence, and can keep the sentence from needing to split into two sentences.
I don't know what "a dress that me stand with my hat" is, so I guessed it meant "a dress with a matching hat.
After that thegetting ready, I eat a breakfast withof strawberry pancakes, waffelsles, and hot chocolate with cream.
Your original sentence is using a structure that doesn't match the context of your story.
"After that, the breakfast with strawberry pancakes, waffles, and hot chocolate with cream." implies that you ate the breakfast, but only in a specific paragraph context. Without the correct context, the sentence sounds incomplete. I wish I could explain when this sentence structure can be used correctly, but I don't know how to. Sorry.
"After getting ready" is a stronger sequence indicator than "After that" because it mentions the event that happened before it. In long sequences of events, it becomes confusing to the reader if you only use "next", "then" and "after that" because events start blurring with each other. Indicators that restate the previous event or relative time make the sequence easier for the reader to understand. Even though this sentence is at the start of the sequence, it still helps to have a stronger indicator. Switching between stronger and weaker indicators at the right time during a sequence of events is the key to making them easy to understand in English, and also why writing sequences of events in english is so difficult.
Then the, I go to school .
My favourite school subject is math the whole day and we have only, and lasts the entire three hours school and then in my favourite shopping center first we go theday. Once school ends, I join my friends and we visit a chinesse restaurant toin my favorite shopping center for lunch.
I split the sentence into two sentences because the original sentence was too full. If your sentence contains more than one "and" and it isn't a list, it should probably be split in two.
I removed "first" because this is in the middle of a sequence of events. Sequences of events can be nested.
"First I went to the marina."
"Next I went to the pier my boat was anchored."
"Then I entered my boat."
→ "First I checked the fuel level."
→ "Next I retrieved the anchor."
→ "Then I started the boat."
"Finally I left the harbor."
This structure only works because the sequence inside the bigger sequence has indicators for every action. If your after school activities had clear sequence indicators, "first" would work here. They don't, so I removed "first".
Because your original post switches from "I" to "we" here, I assume your friends join you. A detail like that has to be included in the sentence, or else it will confuse the reader.
English words have different spellings depending on the country. In the US, many words that would use 'ou' use 'o' instead, like color and favorite. I changed the spelling of 'favourite' just so my computer would stop highlighting it as a spelling mistake.
My favourite food is the duck with rice and to there, which I order along with a cold ice tea with a piece of lemon until afternoon and to dessert would we go toin it. For dessert, we visit the ice cream- shop .
Split sentence into two for clarity.
After thatt the end of the day, we go to the Saturn andto buy meyself a new smart phone.
Replaced sequence indicator with a stronger one.
If we arOnce home, we eat Hawaiian pizza with lemon and watch my favourite movies until to the dinnermidnight.
The original sentence accidentally uses a conditional. The next sentence was merged with this one because of structure.
We eat pizza hawai with lemon and watch until to mightnight.-
Merged with previous sentence.
Feedback
I admire that you attempted to write a difficult structure of idea in a difficult tense. Even native speakers have trouble writing lengthy sequences of events. The more you practice this, the better you will get.
my perfect day This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
Sometimes you ask yourself the question how are your (perfect day) .My perfect day look so first a bath with soap and bubble and my favourite shampoo and my favourite clothes a dress that me stand with my bodylotion . |
After that the breakfast with strawberry pancakes waffels and hot chocolate with cream. After Your original sentence is using a structure that doesn't match the context of your story. "After that, the breakfast with strawberry pancakes, waffles, and hot chocolate with cream." implies that you ate the breakfast, but only in a specific paragraph context. Without the correct context, the sentence sounds incomplete. I wish I could explain when this sentence structure can be used correctly, but I don't know how to. Sorry. "After getting ready" is a stronger sequence indicator than "After that" because it mentions the event that happened before it. In long sequences of events, it becomes confusing to the reader if you only use "next", "then" and "after that" because events start blurring with each other. Indicators that restate the previous event or relative time make the sequence easier for the reader to understand. Even though this sentence is at the start of the sequence, it still helps to have a stronger indicator. Switching between stronger and weaker indicators at the right time during a sequence of events is the key to making them easy to understand in English, and also why writing sequences of events in english is so difficult. |
Then the school . Then |
My favourite school subject math the whole day and we have only three hours school and then in my favourite shopping center first we go the chinesse resturant to lunch. My favo I split the sentence into two sentences because the original sentence was too full. If your sentence contains more than one "and" and it isn't a list, it should probably be split in two. I removed "first" because this is in the middle of a sequence of events. Sequences of events can be nested. "First I went to the marina." "Next I went to the pier my boat was anchored." "Then I entered my boat." → "First I checked the fuel level." → "Next I retrieved the anchor." → "Then I started the boat." "Finally I left the harbor." This structure only works because the sequence inside the bigger sequence has indicators for every action. If your after school activities had clear sequence indicators, "first" would work here. They don't, so I removed "first". Because your original post switches from "I" to "we" here, I assume your friends join you. A detail like that has to be included in the sentence, or else it will confuse the reader. English words have different spellings depending on the country. In the US, many words that would use 'ou' use 'o' instead, like color and favorite. I changed the spelling of 'favourite' just so my computer would stop highlighting it as a spelling mistake. |
My favourite food is the duck with rice and to there a cold ice tea with a piece of lemon until afternoon and to dessert would we go to the ice cream-shop . My favourite food is the duck with rice Split sentence into two for clarity. |
After that we go to the Saturn and buy me a new smart phone. A Replaced sequence indicator with a stronger one. |
If we are home we watch my favourite movies until to the dinner.
The original sentence accidentally uses a conditional. The next sentence was merged with this one because of structure. |
We eat pizza hawai with lemon and watch until to mightnight.
Merged with previous sentence. |
Sometimes you ask yourself the question how are your (perfect day) .My perfect day looks so first a bath with soap and bubble and my favourite shampoo and my favourite clothes a dress that me stand with my hat .
The phrase you use in the first sentence is used incorrectly. A correct way to use that phrase for the posts first sentence would be something like "Sometimes, its worth asking yourself what your perfect day would look like." This kind of introduction implies that you will talk about why thinking about your perfect day is important. Your post doesn't do that, so in the correction I replaced it with a rhetorical question. The rhetorical question still introduces the idea of your post, but it does not imply anything else. Writing a sequence of events in English is hard. English has many words and phrases that indicate when something is happening. If you use too many of the same types of indicators, sequence of events becomes boring or hard to understand. "First" is a good way to begin a sequence of events, but only if its used in certain ways. "First, I visited the park." is a correct usage. "I wanted to take a picture of a duck, so I first visited the park." is a correct usage. "My journey for the duck photo would be I first visited the park." is incorrect usage and grammar. To keep this sentence structure we need a different indicator: begins "My journey for the duck photo began when I visited the park." In fact, we can now reuse "first" in this corrected sentence! "My journey for the duck photo began when I first visited the park." Be careful when you stack indicators like this, because it slightly changes the meaning. This sentence now implies that I visited park several times, or that I never visited the park ever before. The previous version of this sentence doesn't imply these things. I don't think you want to wear your favorite clothes while you are in the bath, wearing your favorite clothes needs to have a sequence indicator like "then". Because I corrected your sentence to use "begins", I can't indicate the next event using "then" unless I stack the indicator "first". "My perfect day begins first with a bath using my bubble soap and my favorite shampoo. Then, I wear my favorite dress and its matching hat." I corrected the sentence with "after which" because it has the same meaning as "then", doesn't need the word "first" to be added to the sentence, and can keep the sentence from needing to split into two sentences. I don't know what "a dress that me stand with my hat" is, so I guessed it meant "a dress with a matching hat. |
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