andy_chen's avatar
andy_chen

Aug. 6, 2022

0
Life is Strange Prologue

The ferocious thunderstorm violently played between the air and the earth,the sky and the forest.A girl in black with hair in the same color silently lay on the dark and moist ground among trees,whose name was Max Caufield,kissing the ground intimately."Where am I?What's happening?I'm trapped in a storm?How did I get here?...and where is ‘here’?Wait,there's the light house...I'be safe if I can make it there...I hope...Please let me make it there..."The little girl woke up,picked herself up to feet, stretched out her hands in defence of the hard,rough wind,and started her trudge heading towards that light house.She exploited all her vigor in spite of the heavy,soaked shirt,with her hair dripping to the neck,down the whole body.As she was standing on the sea cliff,"what's happening”automatically unveiled itself to this innocent girl."Holy shit."she heaved a sigh of horror upon seeing this beautiful,significant,but terrible scenery.A huge tornado rotated itself above the sea,absorbing,and cruelly tearing up everything that was around.All of a sudden,the wreckage of a yacht hit the light house,and its top partf broke,falling down towards where Max was standing."Whoa,no!"
"Whoa!"screamed she,but what followed wasn't death.She was quietly sitting in the classroom,and Mr.Jeferson was conveying his lecture."Alfred Hitchcock famously called the film 'little pieces of time' but he could be talking..."On the table were her crap selfie,that out-of-date pencil case,the confidential journal,and-that giant old-looking camera.She came to herself.Blackwell academy,which she entered for her grand photograph cause,was just in the small town Arcadia Bay where she had lived 5 years ago,along with her ex-BFF Chloe Price.Luckily,her parents needn't pay any price for Blackwell for her distinguished grade which attained full scholarship.
Not knowing what to do,Max just took a picture,which attracted the attention of Mr.Jefferson."Now Max,since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation,can you please tell us the name of process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?""You're asking me?Let me think...Um..."blank,nervous,with sweat unconsciouly rolling down her forehead,Max was baffled."You either know this or not,Max. "Apparent annoyance clouded on the teacher’s face,urging him to tap the table.” Is there anybody here who knows their stuff?"”Louis Daguerre was a French painter who created'daguerreotypes'a process that gave portraits a sharp reflective style,like a mirror.(Now you're totally stuck in the Retro Zone.Sad face.)"Max was kind of astonished that the very bitch,Victoria,who regarded Blackwell her own fashion show,had talent in photograph and was exceedingly good at those complex French words at least to the boneheads,like Max.Her mind kept wandering around in the rest of the class until the bell rang."Huh."After dealing with the hard contest entry,Max was going to the bathroom to splash water on her face and make sure she didn't look like a total loser.The sombre and leisure song American Girls being played by the earphone temporarily took the little Max to another world,in which her peers’ laughter,the bullying obtaining in the school,and loadfuls of homework could all be shielded.
Having refreshened herself with colder water,she soliloquized.”Just relax.Stop torturing yourself.You have ‘a gift’…… Fuck it.”The poor selfie simply became the sacrifice of her rage.All at once a tiny flipping blue-winged butterfly caught her attention.”When a door closes,a window opens...”She took out her camera and took a picture of the butterfly when it rested on the edge of a bucket.And a boy got in,uttering something weird,”It’s cool,Nathan...Don’t stress…You’re okay,bro.Just count to three…Don’t be scared…You own this school…If I wanted,Icould blow it up…You’re the Boss…”A blue-haired punk girl followed in.
”So what you want?”
”I hope you checked the perimeter,as my step-ass would say.Now,let’s talk bidness-“
“I got nothing for you.”
”Wrong.You got hella cash.”
“That’s my family,not me.”
“Oh boo hoo,poor little rich kid.I know you been pumpin’ drugs n’ shit to kids around here…I bet your respectable family would help me out if I went to them.Man,I can see the headlines now-”
“Leave them out of this,bitch.”
“I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl and talks to himself-“the girl pushed the boy,threntening him by words.
“You don’t know who the fuck I am or who you’re messing around with!”the guy suddenly took out a gun from his waist,and the situation just overturned in a flash.His arm surrounded her and pressed against the wall.
“Where’d you get that?What are you doing?Come on,put that thing down!”the extreme fright of the silver cold-blooded killer in his hand was clearly on the girl’s face,while she couldn’t find a way to shake off.
“Don’t EVER tell me what to do.I’m so SICK of people trying to control me!”The boy roared,his rage on fire.
“You are going to get in hella more trouble for this than drugs-“
“Nobody would ever even miss your”punk ass”would they?”the boy humuliated the girl back.
“Get that gun away from me,psycho!”just before she could utter another word,as the boy was being pushed away from her,the bullet slipped out,right in her belly,leaving a horrific bloodhole.
“NO!”Max who was hidden in the corner shouted instinctively.Everything was clear at that moment.She could see the girl fall down onto the floor,that fucking gun drop out of the angry killer’s hand and thump with coldness.The world was anyhow dark,for the dim light waiting to be repaired,and the blue-haired girl’s eyes still contained that horror.Maybe the darkness behind Blackwell which enjoys good reputation all over the world had just tore a little hole ,before her.
“Whoa!What the fuck…?How?How can that be?”Somehow it was here again,Max,to whom has played a realistic murder plot by those two guys,was again sitting in the classroom.Badly horrified,her eyes turned red,tears uncontrolably running down her freckled face.”I was in the bathroom…He shot that poor girl…I held up my hand…and then I was back here.”she pondered.”Oh,shit!”mistakenly her elbow touched that ancient camera,and smashed it into broken pieces.”Okay,if I’m crazy,I might as well go all the way…Can I actually reverse time?”she held out her right hand again,and the broken pieces incredibly went back into a undamaged camera.”I did it!I actually did it!I’m a human time machine.”Max took a selfie of her for another time,thinking she might get out of the classroom and save that girl.”I’m sorry but I really have to use the bathroom.””Nice try,Max.But you’re not going to get away that easy.We can talk more after class.”She had no choice but to rewind again and copy Victoria’s perfect answer.”The Daguerreian Process.Invented by a French painter named… Louis Daguerre.Around 1830.””Somebody has been reading as well as posing.Nice work,Max.”This time,Mr.Jefferson beamed a smile at her,and her rival,Victoria glared.The bell rang at the same time,and Max was rushing to the bathroom.As she took that photo,everything went totally the same.”Don’t EVER tell me what to do…”Max moved the cleaning cart,took a hammer and did the fre bell in the corner.As the fire alarm rang,the girl quickly kicked on the boy’s balls ,”Don’t ever touch me again,freak!”,and left.”The boy took a glimpse of the shreded photo,whispered”Another shitty day”and got out.
“That did not happen!This cannot be real!I just saw a girl get shot and then saved her!What the fuck is going on?Do.Not.Freak.Out.”Yep,that’s real,you can indeed save others’life with your super power.Now everyday hero Max is on fire!

Requirement:
1.Accuracy and appropriateness top the list.
2.Try to use abundant expressions,sentence patterns and grammar structures to colorize the composition.
3.Lay stress on:
①Max’s misfit,her weird feelings,and the surroundings that made it a trouble.
②The details of the murder,along with Max’s super power activated by it.
Reduce unnecessary description.No grammar&spelling mistake.

en 1
Correct
Corrections
Bees's avatar
0

“Life is Strange” Prologue

The ferocious thunderstorm violently played between the air and the earth, the sky and the forest. A girl in black with hair inof the same color silently lay on the dark and moist ground among trees,whoseidst the trees. Her name was Max Caufield,kissing the ground intimately and her face was pressed into the dirt.

Saying that she was kissing the ground makes no sense since she’s asleep.

As she woke up, she got to her feet and stretched her hand out, as if to defend herself from the rough wind. "Where am I? What's happening? I'm trapped in a storm? How did I get here?...a And… where is ‘here’? Wait, there's the light house...I'! I’ll be safe if I can make it there... Or at least, I hope... so. Please let me make it there..." The little girl woke up,picked herself up to feet, stretched out her hands in defence of the hard,rough wind,and started her trudge heading towards thate light house. She exploitedtrudged forward with all her vigorstrength in spite of ther heavy, soaked shirt,with he and hair thairt was dripping to the neck,down ther whole body. As she was standingood on the sea cliff,"what's happening”automatically unveiled itself to this innocent girl the situation she was in instantly became apparent.

"Holy shit.”

"sShe heaved a sigh of horror upon seeing thise beautiful, and significant, but terrible scenery. A huge tornadocyclone rotated itself above the sea,absorbing, pulling in and cruelly tearing up everything that was around. All of a sudden, the wreckage of a yacht hit the light house, and its top partf broke, falling down towards where Max was standing.

"Whoa, no!”

A tornado over the water is called a cyclone or water spout.

"

"Whoa!” she screamed, but what followed wasn’t death. She was in her classroom, and Mr. Jefferson was giving a lecture.

"screamed she,but what followed wasn't death.She was quietly sitting in the classroom,and Mr.Jeferson was conveying his lecture.

"Alfred Hitchcock famously called the film 'lLittle pPieces of tTime', but he could be talking..."

On the table were her ca not-so-great photograph selfie,thathe had taken of herself, an out-of-date pencil case,t her confidential journal, and-that a giant old-looking camera.She Max came to herself. She was sitting in Blackwell aAcademy, which she entered for her grand photograph cause,was just(?). It was located in the small town of Arcadia Bay, where she had lived 5for five years ago, along with her ex-BFF Chloe Price. Luckily, her parents needn't pay any price for Blackwell for her distinguished grade which attaineddidn’t have to pay tuition for her to attend Blackwell, as her excellent grades had scored her a full scholarship.

What do you mean by “grand photograph cause”?

Not knowing what to do, Max just took a picture, which attracted the attention of Mr. Jefferson.

"Now Max, since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation, can you please tell us the name of process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?”

""You're asking me? Let me think... Um..."blank, Mind blank, feeling nervous, and with sweat unconsciouly rolling down her forehead, Max was baffled.

Sweat is not capable of thinking, so it can’t do anything “unconsciously”.

"You either know this or not, Max.”

"Apparent annoyance clouded on the teacher’s face,urging him to and he tapped the table.” impatiently. “Is there anybody here who knows their stuff?”

"”Louis Daguerre was a French painter who created' ‘daguerreotypes'’, a process that gave portraits a sharp reflective style, like a mirror.”

(Now you're totally stuck in the Retro Zone.Sad face. )"Max was kind ofMax was astonished that the very bitch,y Victoria, who regarded Blackwell as her own fashion show, had talent in photography and was exceedingly good at those complex French words that least to thestumped boneheads, like Max. Her mind kept wandering around during the rest of the class until the bell rang."Huh.

"After dealing with the hard contest entry,Max was going(?), Max went to the bathroom to splash water on her face and make sure she didn't look like a total loser. The sombre and leisure song American Girls being played by the earphoneng “American Girls” in Max’s earbuds temporarily took the little Maxr to another world, one in which her peers’ laughter, the bullying obtaining in theshe suffered at school, and loadfuls of homework could all be shieldeddidn’t exist.

What contest entry? Nothing was mentioned about it before, so it doesn’t make sense. Also, “sombre” and “leisurely” are not descriptors that fit together well, so I removed both of them since I don’t know which one actually suits the song best.

Having refreshened herself with the colder water, she soliloquized.murmured to herself, ”Just relax. Stop torturing yourself. You have ‘a ‘gift’…… Fuck it.” The poor selfie simply became the sacrifice of her rage.he had taken took the brunt of a flurry of rage as she ripped it to pieces*. All at once, a tiny, flipptting blue-winged butterfly caught her attention.

”When a door closes, a window opens...”She

Max took out her camera and took a picture of the butterfly when it rested on the edge of a bucket.And Then a boy got in,entered the bathroom, muttering something weird,. ¶

”It’s cool, Nathan... Don’t stress… You’re okay, bro. Just count to three… Don’t be scared…. You own this school…! If I wanted,I I could blow it up…! You’re the Bboss…” A blue-haired punk girl followed him in.

“Soliloquized” sounds a bit too heavy and out of place here, so I replaced it with more common speech.
* Not sure what you meant with this sentence, so I changed it to something that makes sense to me.

”So what you want?”

This would be better with “do” in the sentence, but I’m realizing that you are trying to give the characters a particular accent. Just leaving this note here so others don’t wonder why I didn’t fix it even though it is technically grammatically incorrect.

”I hope you checked the perimeter, as my step-ass (?) would say. Now,let’s talk bidness-“

What is a “step-ass”?

“I got nothing for you.”

”Wrong. You got hella cash.”

“That’s my family, not me.”

“Oh boo hoo, poor little rich kid. I know you been pumpin’ drugs n’ shit to kids around here… I bet your respectable family would help me out if I went to them. Man, I can see the headlines now-!”

“Leave them out of this, bitch.”

“I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl and talks to himself-“t.“ The girl pushed the boy, threnatening him bywith his own words.

“You don’t know who the fuck I am or who you’re messing around with!”t The guy suddenly took outpulled a gun from his waist,band, and the situation just overturnedupper hand was his in a flash.H He threw his arm surarounded ther girl and pressed her against the wall.

“Where’d you get that? What are you doing? Come on, put that thing down!”the e Extreme fright of the silver cold-blooded killer in hithe boy’s hand was clearly on the girl’s face,while and she couldn’t find a way to shake the boy off.

“Don’t EVER tell me what to do. I’m so SICK of people trying to control me!” The boy roared, his rage onhot as a fire.

“You are going to get in a hella of a lot more trouble for this than drugs-“."

“Nobody would ever even miss your” punk ass”, would they?” the boy humuliated the girl backtaunted.

“Get that gun away from me, psycho!”j Just before she could utter another word,as the boy was being pushed away from her,the bullet slipped out, as she pushed the boy away from her, a shot rang out and a bullet lodged itself right in ther girl’s belly, leaving a horrific bloodholey wound.

“NO!” Max, who was hidden in the corner, shouted instinctively. Everything was clear at that moment. She could see the girl fall down onto the floor, see that fucking gun drop out of the angry killer’s hand and thumphit the floor with a coldness.The world was anyhow thump. The room was dark,for the dibathroom light dim and waiting to be repaired, and the blue-haired girl’s eyes were still contained thatfilled with horror.Maybe t The darkness behind Blackwell which enjoys good reputation all over the world had just tore a little hole ,before herthe shiny facade of Blackwell’s international good reputation broke a hole through that facade and began to leak out in front of Max.

“Whoa! What the fuck…? How? How can that be?”Somehow it was here again,Max,to whom has played a realistic murder plot by those two guys,was again sitting in t Max jolted and found herself not at the scene of a murder but back in her classroom.Badly horrifi once again. Traumatized, her eyes turned red, and tears ran uncontrollably running down her freckled face.

”I was in the bathroom… He shot that poor girl… I held up my hand… and then I was back here.”,” she pondermused.” “Oh, shit!”She mistakenly her elbow touched thated her ancient camera, and smashed it into brokenit fell to the floor, smashing to pieces.

”Okay, if I’m crazy, I might as well go all the way…. Can I actually reverse time?”s She held out her right hand again, and the broken pieces incredibly went backmerged into a undamaged camera.

”I did it! I actually did it! I’m a human time machine.” Max took a selfie of her for another timselfie, thinking she might get out of the classroom and save that girl.

”I’m sorry but I really have to use the bathroom.””,” she said after drawing the teacher’s attention.¶

“Nice try, Max.B, but you’re not going to get away that easy. We can talk more after class.”She

Max had no choice but to rewind again and copy Victoria’s perfect answer. ”The Daguerreian Process. Invented by a French painter named… Louis Daguerre. Around 1830.”

”Somebody has been reading as well as posdoing their reading.! Nice work, Max.” This time, Mr. Jefferson beamed a smile at her,and herMax, and Max’s rival, Victoria glared. The bell rang at the same time, and Max was rushinged to the bathroom. As she took thata photo, everything went totally the same.changed*.¶

”Don’t EVER tell me what to do…” Max moved the cleaning cart, took a hammer from it, and didhit the fire bell in the corner. As the fire alarm rang, the blue-haired girl quickly kicked on the boy’s balls , between the legs, yelled, ”Don’t ever touch me again, freak!”, and left.” The boy took a glimpse of the shredded photo, on the floor, whispered, ”Another shitty day”,” and got ouleft.

* I wasn’t sure what you meant in this sentence, so I changed it.

“That did not happen! This cannot be real! I just saw a girl get shot and then saved her! What the fuck is going on?Do. Not. Freak. Out.” [Yep, that’s real,; you can indeed save others’ lifeves with your super power. Now everyday hero Max is on fire!]

The last part in the brackets does not fit the tone of the rest of the writing and doesn’t really make sense to me.

andy_chen's avatar
andy_chen

Aug. 7, 2022

0

Many thanks!I come to realize how bad my Chinglish is and it's really confusing.I would like to carefully analyse the problems I have.

Life is Strange Prologue

“Life is Strange” Prologue

The ferocious thunderstorm violently played between the air and the earth,the sky and the forest.A girl in black with hair in the same color silently lay on the dark and moist ground among trees,whose name was Max Caufield,kissing the ground intimately.

The ferocious thunderstorm violently played between the air and the earth, the sky and the forest. A girl in black with hair inof the same color silently lay on the dark and moist ground among trees,whoseidst the trees. Her name was Max Caufield,kissing the ground intimately and her face was pressed into the dirt.

Saying that she was kissing the ground makes no sense since she’s asleep.

"Where am I?What's happening?I'm trapped in a storm?How did I get here?...and where is ‘here’?Wait,there's the light house...I'be safe if I can make it there...I hope...Please let me make it there..."The little girl woke up,picked herself up to feet, stretched out her hands in defence of the hard,rough wind,and started her trudge heading towards that light house.She exploited all her vigor in spite of the heavy,soaked shirt,with her hair dripping to the neck,down the whole body.As she was standing on the sea cliff,"what's happening”automatically unveiled itself to this innocent girl.

As she woke up, she got to her feet and stretched her hand out, as if to defend herself from the rough wind. "Where am I? What's happening? I'm trapped in a storm? How did I get here?...a And… where is ‘here’? Wait, there's the light house...I'! I’ll be safe if I can make it there... Or at least, I hope... so. Please let me make it there..." The little girl woke up,picked herself up to feet, stretched out her hands in defence of the hard,rough wind,and started her trudge heading towards thate light house. She exploitedtrudged forward with all her vigorstrength in spite of ther heavy, soaked shirt,with he and hair thairt was dripping to the neck,down ther whole body. As she was standingood on the sea cliff,"what's happening”automatically unveiled itself to this innocent girl the situation she was in instantly became apparent.

"Holy shit.

"Holy shit.”

"she heaved a sigh of horror upon seeing this beautiful,significant,but terrible scenery.A huge tornado rotated itself above the sea,absorbing,and cruelly tearing up everything that was around.All of a sudden,the wreckage of a yacht hit the light house,and its top partf broke,falling down towards where Max was standing."Whoa,no!

"sShe heaved a sigh of horror upon seeing thise beautiful, and significant, but terrible scenery. A huge tornadocyclone rotated itself above the sea,absorbing, pulling in and cruelly tearing up everything that was around. All of a sudden, the wreckage of a yacht hit the light house, and its top partf broke, falling down towards where Max was standing.

"Whoa, no!”

A tornado over the water is called a cyclone or water spout.

"

"

"Whoa!

"Whoa!” she screamed, but what followed wasn’t death. She was in her classroom, and Mr. Jefferson was giving a lecture.

"screamed she,but what followed wasn't death.She was quietly sitting in the classroom,and Mr.Jeferson was conveying his lecture.

"screamed she,but what followed wasn't death.She was quietly sitting in the classroom,and Mr.Jeferson was conveying his lecture.

"Alfred Hitchcock famously called the film 'little pieces of time' but he could be talking..."On the table were her crap selfie,that out-of-date pencil case,the confidential journal,and-that giant old-looking camera.She came to herself.Blackwell academy,which she entered for her grand photograph cause,was just in the small town Arcadia Bay where she had lived 5 years ago,along with her ex-BFF Chloe Price.Luckily,her parents needn't pay any price for Blackwell for her distinguished grade which attained full scholarship.

"Alfred Hitchcock famously called the film 'lLittle pPieces of tTime', but he could be talking..."

On the table were her ca not-so-great photograph selfie,thathe had taken of herself, an out-of-date pencil case,t her confidential journal, and-that a giant old-looking camera.She Max came to herself. She was sitting in Blackwell aAcademy, which she entered for her grand photograph cause,was just(?). It was located in the small town of Arcadia Bay, where she had lived 5for five years ago, along with her ex-BFF Chloe Price. Luckily, her parents needn't pay any price for Blackwell for her distinguished grade which attaineddidn’t have to pay tuition for her to attend Blackwell, as her excellent grades had scored her a full scholarship.

What do you mean by “grand photograph cause”?

Not knowing what to do,Max just took a picture,which attracted the attention of Mr.Jefferson.

Not knowing what to do, Max just took a picture, which attracted the attention of Mr. Jefferson.

"Now Max,since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation,can you please tell us the name of process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?

"Now Max, since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation, can you please tell us the name of process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?”

""You're asking me?Let me think...Um..."blank,nervous,with sweat unconsciouly rolling down her forehead,Max was baffled.

""You're asking me? Let me think... Um..."blank, Mind blank, feeling nervous, and with sweat unconsciouly rolling down her forehead, Max was baffled.

Sweat is not capable of thinking, so it can’t do anything “unconsciously”.

"You either know this or not,Max.

"You either know this or not, Max.”

"Apparent annoyance clouded on the teacher’s face,urging him to tap the table.” Is there anybody here who knows their stuff?

"Apparent annoyance clouded on the teacher’s face,urging him to and he tapped the table.” impatiently. “Is there anybody here who knows their stuff?”

"”Louis Daguerre was a French painter who created'daguerreotypes'a process that gave portraits a sharp reflective style,like a mirror.

"”Louis Daguerre was a French painter who created' ‘daguerreotypes'’, a process that gave portraits a sharp reflective style, like a mirror.”

(Now you're totally stuck in the Retro Zone.Sad face. )"Max was kind of astonished that the very bitch,Victoria,who regarded Blackwell her own fashion show,had talent in photograph and was exceedingly good at those complex French words at least to the boneheads,like Max.Her mind kept wandering around in the rest of the class until the bell rang."Huh.

(Now you're totally stuck in the Retro Zone.Sad face. )"Max was kind ofMax was astonished that the very bitch,y Victoria, who regarded Blackwell as her own fashion show, had talent in photography and was exceedingly good at those complex French words that least to thestumped boneheads, like Max. Her mind kept wandering around during the rest of the class until the bell rang."Huh.

"After dealing with the hard contest entry,Max was going to the bathroom to splash water on her face and make sure she didn't look like a total loser.The sombre and leisure song American Girls being played by the earphone temporarily took the little Max to another world,in which her peers’ laughter,the bullying obtaining in the school,and loadfuls of homework could all be shielded.

"After dealing with the hard contest entry,Max was going(?), Max went to the bathroom to splash water on her face and make sure she didn't look like a total loser. The sombre and leisure song American Girls being played by the earphoneng “American Girls” in Max’s earbuds temporarily took the little Maxr to another world, one in which her peers’ laughter, the bullying obtaining in theshe suffered at school, and loadfuls of homework could all be shieldeddidn’t exist.

What contest entry? Nothing was mentioned about it before, so it doesn’t make sense. Also, “sombre” and “leisurely” are not descriptors that fit together well, so I removed both of them since I don’t know which one actually suits the song best.

Having refreshened herself with colder water,she soliloquized.”Just relax.Stop torturing yourself.You have ‘a gift’…… Fuck it.”The poor selfie simply became the sacrifice of her rage.All at once a tiny flipping blue-winged butterfly caught her attention.”When a door closes,a window opens...”She took out her camera and took a picture of the butterfly when it rested on the edge of a bucket.And a boy got in,uttering something weird,”It’s cool,Nathan...Don’t stress…You’re okay,bro.Just count to three…Don’t be scared…You own this school…If I wanted,Icould blow it up…You’re the Boss…”A blue-haired punk girl followed in.

Having refreshened herself with the colder water, she soliloquized.murmured to herself, ”Just relax. Stop torturing yourself. You have ‘a ‘gift’…… Fuck it.” The poor selfie simply became the sacrifice of her rage.he had taken took the brunt of a flurry of rage as she ripped it to pieces*. All at once, a tiny, flipptting blue-winged butterfly caught her attention.

”When a door closes, a window opens...”She

Max took out her camera and took a picture of the butterfly when it rested on the edge of a bucket.And Then a boy got in,entered the bathroom, muttering something weird,. ¶

”It’s cool, Nathan... Don’t stress… You’re okay, bro. Just count to three… Don’t be scared…. You own this school…! If I wanted,I I could blow it up…! You’re the Bboss…” A blue-haired punk girl followed him in.

“Soliloquized” sounds a bit too heavy and out of place here, so I replaced it with more common speech. * Not sure what you meant with this sentence, so I changed it to something that makes sense to me.

”So what you want?”

”So what you want?”

This would be better with “do” in the sentence, but I’m realizing that you are trying to give the characters a particular accent. Just leaving this note here so others don’t wonder why I didn’t fix it even though it is technically grammatically incorrect.

”I hope you checked the perimeter,as my step-ass would say.Now,let’s talk bidness-“

”I hope you checked the perimeter, as my step-ass (?) would say. Now,let’s talk bidness-“

What is a “step-ass”?

“I got nothing for you.”

This sentence has been marked as perfect!

”Wrong.You got hella cash.”

”Wrong. You got hella cash.”

“That’s my family,not me.”

“That’s my family, not me.”

“Oh boo hoo,poor little rich kid.I know you been pumpin’ drugs n’ shit to kids around here…I bet your respectable family would help me out if I went to them.Man,I can see the headlines now-”

“Oh boo hoo, poor little rich kid. I know you been pumpin’ drugs n’ shit to kids around here… I bet your respectable family would help me out if I went to them. Man, I can see the headlines now-!”

“Leave them out of this,bitch.”

“Leave them out of this, bitch.”

“I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl and talks to himself-“the girl pushed the boy,threntening him by words.

“I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl and talks to himself-“t.“ The girl pushed the boy, threnatening him bywith his own words.

“You don’t know who the fuck I am or who you’re messing around with!”the guy suddenly took out a gun from his waist,and the situation just overturned in a flash.His arm surrounded her and pressed against the wall.

“You don’t know who the fuck I am or who you’re messing around with!”t The guy suddenly took outpulled a gun from his waist,band, and the situation just overturnedupper hand was his in a flash.H He threw his arm surarounded ther girl and pressed her against the wall.

“Where’d you get that?What are you doing?Come on,put that thing down!”the extreme fright of the silver cold-blooded killer in his hand was clearly on the girl’s face,while she couldn’t find a way to shake off.

“Where’d you get that? What are you doing? Come on, put that thing down!”the e Extreme fright of the silver cold-blooded killer in hithe boy’s hand was clearly on the girl’s face,while and she couldn’t find a way to shake the boy off.

“Don’t EVER tell me what to do.I’m so SICK of people trying to control me!”The boy roared,his rage on fire.

“Don’t EVER tell me what to do. I’m so SICK of people trying to control me!” The boy roared, his rage onhot as a fire.

“You are going to get in hella more trouble for this than drugs-“

“You are going to get in a hella of a lot more trouble for this than drugs-“."

“Nobody would ever even miss your”punk ass”would they?”the boy humuliated the girl back.

“Nobody would ever even miss your” punk ass”, would they?” the boy humuliated the girl backtaunted.

“Get that gun away from me,psycho!”just before she could utter another word,as the boy was being pushed away from her,the bullet slipped out,right in her belly,leaving a horrific bloodhole.

“Get that gun away from me, psycho!”j Just before she could utter another word,as the boy was being pushed away from her,the bullet slipped out, as she pushed the boy away from her, a shot rang out and a bullet lodged itself right in ther girl’s belly, leaving a horrific bloodholey wound.

“NO!”Max who was hidden in the corner shouted instinctively.Everything was clear at that moment.She could see the girl fall down onto the floor,that fucking gun drop out of the angry killer’s hand and thump with coldness.The world was anyhow dark,for the dim light waiting to be repaired,and the blue-haired girl’s eyes still contained that horror.Maybe the darkness behind Blackwell which enjoys good reputation all over the world had just tore a little hole ,before her.

“NO!” Max, who was hidden in the corner, shouted instinctively. Everything was clear at that moment. She could see the girl fall down onto the floor, see that fucking gun drop out of the angry killer’s hand and thumphit the floor with a coldness.The world was anyhow thump. The room was dark,for the dibathroom light dim and waiting to be repaired, and the blue-haired girl’s eyes were still contained thatfilled with horror.Maybe t The darkness behind Blackwell which enjoys good reputation all over the world had just tore a little hole ,before herthe shiny facade of Blackwell’s international good reputation broke a hole through that facade and began to leak out in front of Max.

“Whoa!What the fuck…?How?How can that be?”Somehow it was here again,Max,to whom has played a realistic murder plot by those two guys,was again sitting in the classroom.Badly horrified,her eyes turned red,tears uncontrolably running down her freckled face.”I was in the bathroom…He shot that poor girl…I held up my hand…and then I was back here.”she pondered.”Oh,shit!”mistakenly her elbow touched that ancient camera,and smashed it into broken pieces.”Okay,if I’m crazy,I might as well go all the way…Can I actually reverse time?”she held out her right hand again,and the broken pieces incredibly went back into a undamaged camera.”I did it!I actually did it!I’m a human time machine.”Max took a selfie of her for another time,thinking she might get out of the classroom and save that girl.”I’m sorry but I really have to use the bathroom.””Nice try,Max.But you’re not going to get away that easy.We can talk more after class.”She had no choice but to rewind again and copy Victoria’s perfect answer.”The Daguerreian Process.Invented by a French painter named… Louis Daguerre.Around 1830.””Somebody has been reading as well as posing.Nice work,Max.”This time,Mr.Jefferson beamed a smile at her,and her rival,Victoria glared.The bell rang at the same time,and Max was rushing to the bathroom.As she took that photo,everything went totally the same.”Don’t EVER tell me what to do…”Max moved the cleaning cart,took a hammer and did the fre bell in the corner.As the fire alarm rang,the girl quickly kicked on the boy’s balls ,”Don’t ever touch me again,freak!”,and left.”The boy took a glimpse of the shreded photo,whispered”Another shitty day”and got out.

“Whoa! What the fuck…? How? How can that be?”Somehow it was here again,Max,to whom has played a realistic murder plot by those two guys,was again sitting in t Max jolted and found herself not at the scene of a murder but back in her classroom.Badly horrifi once again. Traumatized, her eyes turned red, and tears ran uncontrollably running down her freckled face.

”I was in the bathroom… He shot that poor girl… I held up my hand… and then I was back here.”,” she pondermused.” “Oh, shit!”She mistakenly her elbow touched thated her ancient camera, and smashed it into brokenit fell to the floor, smashing to pieces.

”Okay, if I’m crazy, I might as well go all the way…. Can I actually reverse time?”s She held out her right hand again, and the broken pieces incredibly went backmerged into a undamaged camera.

”I did it! I actually did it! I’m a human time machine.” Max took a selfie of her for another timselfie, thinking she might get out of the classroom and save that girl.

”I’m sorry but I really have to use the bathroom.””,” she said after drawing the teacher’s attention.¶

“Nice try, Max.B, but you’re not going to get away that easy. We can talk more after class.”She

Max had no choice but to rewind again and copy Victoria’s perfect answer. ”The Daguerreian Process. Invented by a French painter named… Louis Daguerre. Around 1830.”

”Somebody has been reading as well as posdoing their reading.! Nice work, Max.” This time, Mr. Jefferson beamed a smile at her,and herMax, and Max’s rival, Victoria glared. The bell rang at the same time, and Max was rushinged to the bathroom. As she took thata photo, everything went totally the same.changed*.¶

”Don’t EVER tell me what to do…” Max moved the cleaning cart, took a hammer from it, and didhit the fire bell in the corner. As the fire alarm rang, the blue-haired girl quickly kicked on the boy’s balls , between the legs, yelled, ”Don’t ever touch me again, freak!”, and left.” The boy took a glimpse of the shredded photo, on the floor, whispered, ”Another shitty day”,” and got ouleft.

* I wasn’t sure what you meant in this sentence, so I changed it.

“That did not happen!This cannot be real!I just saw a girl get shot and then saved her!What the fuck is going on?Do.Not.Freak.Out.”Yep,that’s real,you can indeed save others’life with your super power.Now everyday hero Max is on fire!

“That did not happen! This cannot be real! I just saw a girl get shot and then saved her! What the fuck is going on?Do. Not. Freak. Out.” [Yep, that’s real,; you can indeed save others’ lifeves with your super power. Now everyday hero Max is on fire!]

The last part in the brackets does not fit the tone of the rest of the writing and doesn’t really make sense to me.

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