Sept. 8, 2021
Julia’s Story
It happened upon a certain day,
When cheerful spring bright and gay.
An egg hatched on a tree near lake
While Julia was eating bun, mom baked.
Julia was a little witch who has just learned some magics.
She often did the things very wrong
And didn’t know how to fix.
Julia struggled in things but easily gave up.
She thought “I am a failure who always stuck”
Her mom told her it’s time to learn flying
Julia didn’t listen to her well as she was dreaming.
Mom took her to a lovely sidehill
Where her new teacher was waiting for her.
And her beautiful name was Crystal
The slope was deep and Julia got afraid
Her inner confidence became fade
She gave a try but didn’t succeed
Crystal said, you can do it, I believed.
Julia’s Story
It happened upon a certain day,
"upon" is okay, but "on" is more natural here.
When cheerful spring was bright and gay.
These days we often avoid "gay" in this sense, because it's much much more commonly used to mean "homosexual".
An egg hatched on a tree near a lake
While Julia was eating a bun, mom baked.
The comma makes it sound like these are two simultaneous actions. Julia is eating a bun, and mom is baking.
Julia was a little witch who hasd just learned some magics.
Past perfect because we're telling a story in the past tense, and the learning happened before the story.
She often did the things very wrong
And didn’t know how to fix them.
I feel like "fix" is almost never used without an object.
Julia struggled in things but easily gave up.
She thought “I am a failure who is always stuck”
Her mom told her it’s time to learn flying
Julia didn’t listen to her well as she was dreaming.
Mom took her to a lovely sidehillside
"sidehill" is in the dictionary, but I've never heard it and I'd never say it. "hillside" is very common.
Where her new teacher was waiting for her.
And her beautiful name was Crystal
The slope was deep and Julia got afraid
Her inner confidence becamegan to fade
She gave a try but didn’t succeed
Crystal said, you can do it, I believed.
Feedback
You set yourself a very hard task here and the result is rather good!
Oct. 10, 2021
Thank you so much for the correction! It's very helpful. Much appreciated. : -)
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Julia’s Story This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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It happened upon a certain day, It happened "upon" is okay, but "on" is more natural here. |
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When cheerful spring bright and gay. When cheerful spring was bright and gay. These days we often avoid "gay" in this sense, because it's much much more commonly used to mean "homosexual". |
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An egg hatched on a tree near lake An egg hatched on a tree near a lake |
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While Julia was eating bun, mom baked. While Julia was eating a bun The comma makes it sound like these are two simultaneous actions. Julia is eating a bun, and mom is baking. |
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Julia was a little witch who has just learned some magics. Julia was a little witch who ha Past perfect because we're telling a story in the past tense, and the learning happened before the story. |
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She often did the things very wrong She often did |
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And didn’t know how to fix. And didn’t know how to fix them. I feel like "fix" is almost never used without an object. |
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Julia struggled in things but easily gave up. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She thought “I am a failure who always stuck” She thought “I am a failure who is always stuck” |
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Her mom told her it’s time to learn flying This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Julia didn’t listen to her well as she was dreaming. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Mom took her to a lovely sidehill Mom took her to a lovely "sidehill" is in the dictionary, but I've never heard it and I'd never say it. "hillside" is very common. |
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Where her new teacher was waiting for her. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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And her beautiful name was Crystal This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The slope was deep and Eva got afraid |
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Her inner confidence became fade Her inner confidence be |
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She gave a try but didn’t succeed This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Crystal said, you can do it, I believed. Crystal said, you can do it, I believe |
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The slope was deep and Julia got afraid This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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