June 18, 2022
Journal
Tomorrow is Father's Day, which reminds me of my father.
My father was tall, thin and didn't have a strong body. On the contrary, he often felt ill and took Chinese medicine.
He worked in my local township government, so he was not at home every day, but he did go home often.
As far as I can remember, every time he rode home, there would be a small bag that was made of his handkerchief hanging under the left handle bar of his bike and inside the bag, there must be some small black cube sweets.
He attached great importance to education and often asked me to study hard. He also liked Chinese calligraphy and if he had the time, he would practice it.
Although he worked in the local government, he also often helped my mom to do farm work.
In the fifth year after he retired, he was ill. In the autumn of that year, my oldest brother asked him to go to Shanghai to do a comprehensive physical test and it turned out he had liver cancer.
After a few months of treatment, he passed away in the middle of April of the next year.
That was the first time I experienced the heartbreak of my family's loss. I thought heaven had collapsed.
Although 35 years have passed, sometimes I could still dream of him. He looked only older than before, but I just didn't know where he was living and it was very hard to get in contact with him.
Somehow, I become unbelievably calm this year when I think of my father. Maybe the essence of life is cruelty and time will teach us to be strong.
My father was tall, thin, and didn't have a stronghad a weak body.
Remember your commas before 'and' at the end of a list
It's more common and more of a collocation to say 'weak body', rolls off the tongue better than 'didn't have a strong body'
On the contrary, hHe often felt ill and took Chinese medicine.
On the contrary - this means to go against something you said before, you described your father as 'not being stronger' which also implies that he may get ill so they are not such opposing ideas or opposites so I would remove it
He worked in my local township government, so he was not at home every day, but he did gocome home often.
I am guessing that you lived with your father so it would be better to say 'come' home instead, as in you were a child waiting for him
As far as I can remember, every time he rode his bike home, there would be a small bag that was made of his handkerchief hanging under the left handle bar of his bike and i. Inside the bag, there must bewere always some small black -cube sweets.
I would clarify immediately that it was a bicycle/bike that he rode home, not to confuse the reader because you can ride things like a bus too.
Handlebar is one word, not two
The sentence had too many clauses and was getting a bit too long so I broke it up
In the fifth year after he retired, he wasgot ill.
In the autumn of that year, my oldest brother asked him to go to Shanghai to do a comprehensive physical test and it turned out that he had liver cancer.
I would put more emphasis on him having cancer, as this is an important revilation
That was the first time I experienced the heartbreak of my family's lossa loss of a family member.
'my family's loss' makes it seem like you are suffering heartbreak through pain and empathy of your family member's grief only, not your own. So I changed it slightly
Although 35 years have passed, sometimes I could still dream of him.
He looked only a bit older than before, but I just didn't know where he was living and it was very hard to get in contact with him.
Feedback
Very beautiful and sincere. I teared up reading this, full of emotion and heartbreak. I'm sorry for the loss of your father, even if it was many years ago. However, Happy Father's Day!
In a more logical and lexical sense, your text didn't have too many mistakes and everything was completely understandable and well written. Just a few errors with the tenses and not using collocations, minor errors. Well done and please keep writing at this level! :3
June 18, 2022
Thank you very much for correcting my journals. Every time you correct them, you always leave a lot of explanations, so I am very grateful. I don’t know how to thank you and I can only say thank you.
June 18, 2022
Tomorrow is Father's Day, which reminds me of my father.
My father was tall, thin, and had a weak body. He often felt ill and took Chinese medicine.
He worked in the local township government, so he was not home every day, but he did come home often.
As far as I can remember, every time he rode his bike home, there would be a small bag that was made of his handkerchief hanging under the left handlebar of his bike. Inside the bag, there were always some small black-cube sweets.
He attached great importance to education and often asked me to study hard. He also liked Chinese calligraphy and if he had the time, he would practice it.
Although he worked in the local government, he also often helped my mom to do farm work.
In the fifth year after he retired, he got ill. In the autumn of that year, my oldest brother asked him to go to Shanghai to do a comprehensive physical test and it turned out that he had liver cancer.
After a few months of treatment, he passed away in the middle of April of the next year.
That was the first time I experienced the heartbreak of a loss of a family member. I thought heaven had collapsed.
Although 35 years have passed, sometimes I still dream of him. He looked only a bit older than before, but I just didn't know where he was living and it was very hard to get in contact with him.
Somehow, I become unbelievably calm this year when I think of my father. Maybe the essence of life is cruelty and time will teach us to be strong.
June 18, 2022
Thank you very much for correcting my journals. Every time you correct them, you always leave a lot of explanations, so I am very grateful. I don’t know how to thank you and I can only say thank you.
Awh, this is so lovely! Thank you so much! :3 It feels nice to be appreciated. It's always an honour to correct your work, especially because you always write with such care, effort and delicacy. I look forward to reading your next journal ~
June 18, 2022
Tomorrow is Father's Day, which reminds me of my father. My father was tall, thin, and had a weak body. He often felt ill and took Chinese medicine. He worked in the local township government, so he was not home every day, but he did come home often. As far as I can remember, every time he rode his bike home, there would be a small bag that was made of his handkerchief hanging under the left handlebar of his bike. Inside the bag, there were always some small black-cube sweets. He attached great importance to education and often asked me to study hard. He also liked Chinese calligraphy and if he had the time, he would practice it. Although he worked in the local government, he also often helped my mom to do farm work. In the fifth year after he retired, he got ill. In the autumn of that year, my oldest brother asked him to go to Shanghai to do a comprehensive physical test and it turned out that he had liver cancer. After a few months of treatment, he passed away in the middle of April of the next year. That was the first time I experienced the heartbreak of a loss of a family member. I thought heaven had collapsed. Although 35 years have passed, sometimes I still dream of him. He looked only a bit older than before, but I just didn't know where he was living and it was very hard to get in contact with him. Somehow, I become unbelievably calm this year when I think of my father. Maybe the essence of life is cruelty and time will teach us to be strong.
I missed an error, sorry! ~ I would say 'Although he worked *for* the local government', instead of 'in'. Because the local government isn't a building or a specific place that you specified earlier :3 Other than that, perfect!
June 19, 2022
Thank you very much.
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I thought heaven had collapsed. |
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Although 35 years have passed, sometimes I could still dream of him. Although 35 years have passed, sometimes I |
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Journal |
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Tomorrow is Father's Day, which reminds me of my father. |
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My father was tall, thin and didn't have a strong body. My father was tall, thin, and Remember your commas before 'and' at the end of a list It's more common and more of a collocation to say 'weak body', rolls off the tongue better than 'didn't have a strong body' |
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On the contrary, he often felt ill and took Chinese medicine.
On the contrary - this means to go against something you said before, you described your father as 'not being stronger' which also implies that he may get ill so they are not such opposing ideas or opposites so I would remove it |
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He worked in my local township government, so he was not at home every day, but he did go home often. He worked in my local township government, so he was not I am guessing that you lived with your father so it would be better to say 'come' home instead, as in you were a child waiting for him |
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As far as I can remember, every time he rode home, there would be a small bag that was made of his handkerchief hanging under the left handle bar of his bike and inside the bag, there must be some small black cube sweets. As far as I can remember, every time he rode his bike home, there would be a small bag that was made of his handkerchief hanging under the left handle I would clarify immediately that it was a bicycle/bike that he rode home, not to confuse the reader because you can ride things like a bus too. Handlebar is one word, not two The sentence had too many clauses and was getting a bit too long so I broke it up |
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He attached great importance to education and often asked me to study hard. |
|
He also liked Chinese calligraphy and if he had the time, he would practice it. |
|
Although he worked in the local government, he also often helped my mom to do farm work. |
|
In the fifth year after he retired, he was ill. In the fifth year after he retired, he |
|
In the autumn of that year, my oldest brother asked him to go to Shanghai to do a comprehensive physical test and it turned out he had liver cancer. In the autumn of that year, my oldest brother asked him to go to Shanghai to do a comprehensive physical test and it turned out that he had liver cancer. I would put more emphasis on him having cancer, as this is an important revilation |
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After a few months of treatment, he passed away in the middle of April of the next year. |
|
That was the first time I experienced the heartbreak of my family's loss. That was the first time I experienced the heartbreak of 'my family's loss' makes it seem like you are suffering heartbreak through pain and empathy of your family member's grief only, not your own. So I changed it slightly |
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He looked only older than before, but I just didn't know where he was living and it was very hard to get in contact with him. He looked only a bit older than before, but I just didn't know where he was living and it was very hard to get in contact with him. |
|
Somehow, I become unbelievably calm this year when I think of my father. |
|
Maybe the essence of life is cruelty and time will teach us to be strong. |
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