Dec. 20, 2020
Journal 20/12/20
In China, cities are similar to each other except for some minority cities. For this trip, the destination Hangzhou City is economically developed in China and it’s also the top one city among new first-tier cities. When you look at the appearances of Hangzhou and my hometown Fuyang, there seems no big difference except that Hangzhou has more tall buildings. But in fact, there are big differences between these two cities. First, Hangzhou is a deputy ministerial city, but Fuyang is just a prefectural city. Second, Hangzhou has an urban population of 7.45 million and covers 700 square kilometers, but Fuyang only has an urban population of 2 million and covers an area of 2 hundred square kilometers. Third, the GDP of Hangzhou in 2019 is 1,537,3 billion yuan, but Fuyang only has 270 billion yuan in the same year. Fourth, Hangzhou is the most developed area in its private enterprises in China, but Fuyang’s industry and private enterprises are very weak. Fifth, the natural scenery in Hangzhou is very beautiful and Hangzhou is called heaven on the earth, but Fuyang is just a medium city in plain areas and it doesn’t have those beautiful natural sceneries. So although the cities in China look similar in their appearances, they have significant differences.
In China, most cities are similar to each other except for some ethnic minority cities.
"minority cities" sounds like the cities are in the minority---I'm fairly sure it instead refers to Chinese ethnic minorities 少数民族
For this trip, the destination Hangzhou City iis one of China's economically developed in Chinacities and it’s also the top one city among new first-tier cities.
I feel "Hangzhou" is more common than "Hangzhou City". The part "is [an] economically developed [city] in China" sounds smoother if rephrased to "is one of China's economically developed cities". The "one" in "the top one" is redundant.
When you look atcompare the appearances of Hangzhou andwith my hometown Fuyang, there seems no big difference except that Hangzhou has more tall buildings.
It flows better using "...compare A with B...". (Also, "look at the appearance" sounds clunky to me.)
But in fact, there are big differences between these two cities.
First, Hangzhou is a deputy ministerial city, butwhereas Fuyang is just a prefectural city.
"but" is correct, but "whereas" is more formal (and what you're writing sounds formal)---the same is true later on, but it's too messy to correct them all
Third, the GDP of Hangzhou in 2019 iwas 1,537,3 billion yuan, but for Fuyang it was only has 270 billion yuan in the same year.
2019 => past tense ("was" not "is"). "has" is the wrong choice of word here
Fourth, Hangzhou is the most developed area in itsterms of private enterprises in China, but Fuyang’s industry and private enterprises are comparativerly weak.
I think "private enterprises" should be "private enterprise" (interpreted as a whole, singular entity, and not as a collection of individual enterprises). I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think "in its" should be "in terms of its". "very weak" is correct, but sounds somewhat insulting to Fuyang.
Fifth, the natural scenery in Hangzhou is very beautiful and Hangzhou is sometimes called h"Heaven on the eEarth", but Fuyang is just a medium city in plain areas-sized city and it doesn’t have thoseHangzhou's beautiful natural sceneriesy.
Children tend to add the unnecessary word "very" before adjectives; it's not so great in formal writing. I added "sometimes" since Hangzhou is normally called "Hangzhou". If I'm interpreting "a medium city in plain areas" correctly, it's better rephrased as "a medium-sized city". "sceneries" -> "scenery" (uncountable noun).
So although the cities in China lookare similar in their appearances, they have significant differences.
"look similar in their appearances" is repetitive: "look" and "appear" are related to one another. It could instead be "look similar", but I went with "are similar in appearance".
Feedback
I suggest dropping the whole "First, ... Second, ..." grammar construct. I live in China, and I know students here like grammar constructs, but often they feel cumbersome and unnatural. (And yes, I've been to Hangzhou and it's a beautiful city!)
Dec. 25, 2020
Thank you for your corrections and detailed explanations. They are a lot of work. Thank you very much.
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Journal 20/12/20 |
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In China, cities are similar to each other except for some minority cities. In China, most cities are similar to each other except for some ethnic minority cities. "minority cities" sounds like the cities are in the minority---I'm fairly sure it instead refers to Chinese ethnic minorities 少数民族 |
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For this trip, the destination Hangzhou City is economically developed in China and it’s also the top one city among new first-tier cities. For this trip, the destination Hangzhou I feel "Hangzhou" is more common than "Hangzhou City". The part "is [an] economically developed [city] in China" sounds smoother if rephrased to "is one of China's economically developed cities". The "one" in "the top one" is redundant. |
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When you look at the appearances of Hangzhou and my hometown Fuyang, there seems no big difference except that Hangzhou has more tall buildings. When you It flows better using "...compare A with B...". (Also, "look at the appearance" sounds clunky to me.) |
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But in fact, there are big differences between these two cities. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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First, Hangzhou is a deputy ministerial city, but Fuyang is just a prefectural city. First, Hangzhou is a deputy ministerial city, "but" is correct, but "whereas" is more formal (and what you're writing sounds formal)---the same is true later on, but it's too messy to correct them all |
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Second, Hangzhou has an urban population of 7.45 million and covers 700 square kilometers, but Fuyang only has an urban population of 2 million and covers an area of 2 hundred square kilometers. |
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Third, the GDP of Hangzhou in 2019 is 1,537,3 billion yuan, but Fuyang only has 270 billion yuan in the same year. Third, the GDP of Hangzhou in 2019 2019 => past tense ("was" not "is"). "has" is the wrong choice of word here |
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Fourth, Hangzhou is the most developed area in its private enterprises in China, but Fuyang’s industry and private enterprises are very weak. Fourth, Hangzhou is the most developed area in I think "private enterprises" should be "private enterprise" (interpreted as a whole, singular entity, and not as a collection of individual enterprises). I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think "in its" should be "in terms of its". "very weak" is correct, but sounds somewhat insulting to Fuyang. |
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Fifth, the natural scenery in Hangzhou is very beautiful and Hangzhou is called heaven on the earth, but Fuyang is just a medium city in plain areas and it doesn’t have those beautiful natural sceneries. Fifth, the natural scenery in Hangzhou is Children tend to add the unnecessary word "very" before adjectives; it's not so great in formal writing. I added "sometimes" since Hangzhou is normally called "Hangzhou". If I'm interpreting "a medium city in plain areas" correctly, it's better rephrased as "a medium-sized city". "sceneries" -> "scenery" (uncountable noun). |
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So although the cities in China look similar in their appearances, they have significant differences. So although the cities in China "look similar in their appearances" is repetitive: "look" and "appear" are related to one another. It could instead be "look similar", but I went with "are similar in appearance". |
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