Aug. 19, 2023
IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay
Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family.
So you think money is an important factor when choosing a job?
There is a belief that job selection should be based on salary to ensure financial security for the family. While money is undeniably crucial, other elements are also vital.
The significance of money in career decisions cannot be overstated. It enables us to cover our basic needs such as food, water, and shelter, which are necessary for our survival. It can also extend life expectancy and overall well being, by allowing access to nutritious intake, proper housing, regular medical checkups, and necessary treatments. Additionally, individuals with a well-paying job can afford leisure activities like vacations, hobbies, and cultural events. This enriches their existence, fostering a more relaxed, meaningful, and enjoyable life. Furthermore, a stable wage serves as a safety net, offering peace of mind in times of uncertainty. Individuals can address medical bills, car repairs, and other unforeseen financial challenges without plunging into the burdens of debt.
Beyond financial considerations, there are other vital factors to contemplate when evaluating a job opportunity. Firstly, the aspect of working hours and available vacation time should not be overlooked. This directly influences an individual's ability to allocate time for personal commitments, such as family responsibilities, hobbies, and self-care. A sufficient time for such endeavors can create a healthy work-life balance, a pivotal contributor to one’s happiness, satisfaction, and mental health. Secondly, personal interests and passions should also play a crucial role in the decision-making process. Finding a job that resonates with one's interests and passions can markedly amplify job satisfaction. When people enjoy their work, it feels less like a chore and more like a fulfilling endeavors. The sense of stress and exhaustion accompanying with work can also diminished, leading to improved overall well-being.
In conclusion, money is essential when it comes to job considerations as it significantly influence one’s survival, quality of life, health, and unforeseen issue management capacity. However, work-life balance and personal fulfilment are also important determinants as they are crucial for one’s happiness and overall well-being.
SDo you think money is an important factor when choosing a job?
If you mean it as a rhetorical question, the original is fine. However if it's a direct question to the reader it should be "do".
While money is undeniably crucialimportant, other elements are also vital.
"undeniably crucial" sounds overly formal here, no need to overemphasise in your sentence.
It can also extend life expectancy and overall well being, by allowing access to nutritious food intake, proper housing, regular medical checkups, and necessary treatments.
Well being can be used, but it's a LOT more commonly written as one word, in the same way you wrote checkups as one word. "Allowing access to nutritious intake" is a bit unclear as to what you're intaking.
Additionally, individuals with a well-paying jobs can afford leisure activities like vacations, hobbies, and cultural events.
"Individuals" is plural, so it would need to be "well-paying jobS" to match the tense. Otherwise you could change it to "an individual with a well-paying job", but this way sounds more natural.
This enriches their existenclifestyle, fostering a more relaxed, meaningful, and enjoyable life.
Existence is more a word you'd use literally, as in 'you exist on this planet'. If you want to describe the way someone lives, you'd just say lifestyle.
This directly influences an individual's ability to allocate time for personal commitments, such as family responsibilities, hobbies, and self-care.
No comma necessary.
When people enjoy their work, it feels less like a chore and more like a fulfilling endeavors.
It is singular.
The sense of stress and exhaustion accompanying with work can also be diminished, leading to improved overall well-being.
Accompanying never needs a "with" after it, you just go straight on. Eg. "I am accompanying you", "the bad smell accompanying that soup". And, these verbs need something in front. "the sense of stress can also be diminished", you need the "be". It's as if you said "the food can also eaten", or "the word can also learned". It needs the "be" to link it all together.
In conclusion, money is essential when it comes to job considerations as it significantly influences one’s survival, quality of life, health, and unforeseen -issue -management capacity.
Feedback
Hi, great work! Unfortunately I submitted this when I wasn't actually finished looking at it, so it's only included the constructive comments, and none of the ticks or sections that were extremely good! Your level of English is far beyond the average, and you've included a wide range of variety in your essay. All my feedback is just some minor stylistic things that don't actually impede on the meaning, and one little grammar point. You've done really well though, sorry for the error on my part!
Aug. 19, 2023
Thank you very much. Your detailed review is of great help to me.
Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family.
SDo you think money is an important factor when choosing a job?
There is a belief that job selection should be based on salary to ensure financial security for the family.
While money is undeniably crucial, other elements are also vitalimportant.
This is a very subtle suggestion ... your writing here is correct, but "crucial" implies maximum importance, and to me, "vital" also implies maximum importance! Two maximums, so it's too much :-) But others may disagree.
When people enjoy their work, it feels less like a chore and more like a fulfilling endeavors.
The sense of stress and exhaustion that accompanying with work can also be diminished, leading to improved overall well-being.
Feedback
This is _extremely_ well written, if you are studying English. Very very well done.
A minor quibble, which may be hard to understand or hard to implement: in some cases, the writing feels _too_ formal, _too_ studied. This is a trap that many native English speakers fall into: they feel that it's necessary to choose big complicated words, when simpler words will do, and are often preferable.
For example, "Finding a job that resonates with one's interests and passions can markedly amplify job satisfaction." => "Finding a 'dream job' can lead to higher job satisfaction." Here, "markedly amplify" is absolutely correct, but "markedly" is not a word that I would choose. It sounds fancy, and it works, but it doesn't flow. And "amplify" is also technically correct, but it's too much word power. :-)
Same with the word "endeavor". It feels correct in all places you use it, but it's an uncommon word ... it has a connotation (to me) of a _special effort, of rather short duration_, if that makes sense. "He failed in his endeavor." "He endeavored to secure a position, but was ultimately unsuccessful." Therefore, a job isn't so much an "endeavor" as ... just a job. :-) Double-checking, https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/endeavour says "an attempt to do something, especially something new or difficult", which agrees with my definition.
Another example: "Beyond financial considerations, there are other vital factors to contemplate when evaluating a job opportunity." => "One has to consider factors beyond just money when choosing a job." Several small points:
- You'd already stated earlier that there are "vital factors", so re-stating "vital factors" here feels a bit heavy.
- "when evaluating a job opportunity" => "when choosing a job" -- the latter uses simpler words, and so feels less forced
I could go on, but I think that is enough.
I'll say again that this is _exceptional_ work, among the best I've ever read from a foreign language student. The thoughts I'm giving here are the kinds of thoughts I'd give to a native language writer, the kind of writer who can clearly write well, but needs to be more aware of the reader, and needs to aim for clarity and conciseness.
I don't know if it's overkill for you, but if you can, you might enjoy reading "Strunk and White Elements of Style", a small handbook that I often recommend for writers.
Cheers and great work,
Jeff
Aug. 19, 2023
Thank you for your detailed review. My English level is by no means that of a native speaker. I have used ChatGPT to review and refine my essays, which results in only a few corrections being needed. However, this has made most of my writing sound too formal and studied. Therefore, I posted them here to have natives correct them to ensure their quality.
I really appreciate your help.
Aug. 26, 2023
Thank you for your detailed review. My English level is by no means that of a native speaker. I have used ChatGPT to review and refine my essays, which results in only a few corrections being needed. However, this has made most of my writing sound too formal and studied. Therefore, I posted them here to have natives correct them to ensure their quality. I really appreciate your help.
That's a good way to study! Do a first draft yourself, get feedback using ChatGPT or DeepL, rewrite, and then ask natives. And then maybe even rewrite again! Cheers and best wishes, jz
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IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay |
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Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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So you think money is an important factor when choosing a job?
If you mean it as a rhetorical question, the original is fine. However if it's a direct question to the reader it should be "do". |
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There is a belief that job selection should be based on salary to ensure financial security for the family. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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While money is undeniably crucial, other elements are also vital. While money is undeniably crucial, other elements are also This is a very subtle suggestion ... your writing here is correct, but "crucial" implies maximum importance, and to me, "vital" also implies maximum importance! Two maximums, so it's too much :-) But others may disagree. While money is undeniably "undeniably crucial" sounds overly formal here, no need to overemphasise in your sentence. |
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The significance of money in career decisions cannot be overstated. |
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It enables us to cover our basic needs such as food, water, and shelter, which are necessary for our survival. |
|
It can also extend life expectancy and overall well being, by allowing access to nutritious intake, proper housing, regular medical checkups, and necessary treatments. It can also extend life expectancy and overall well Well being can be used, but it's a LOT more commonly written as one word, in the same way you wrote checkups as one word. "Allowing access to nutritious intake" is a bit unclear as to what you're intaking. |
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Additionally, individuals with a well-paying job can afford leisure activities like vacations, hobbies, and cultural events. Additionally, individuals with "Individuals" is plural, so it would need to be "well-paying jobS" to match the tense. Otherwise you could change it to "an individual with a well-paying job", but this way sounds more natural. |
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This enriches their existence, fostering a more relaxed, meaningful, and enjoyable life. This enriches their Existence is more a word you'd use literally, as in 'you exist on this planet'. If you want to describe the way someone lives, you'd just say lifestyle. |
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Furthermore, a stable wage serves as a safety net, offering peace of mind in times of uncertainty. |
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Individuals can address medical bills, car repairs, and other unforeseen financial challenges without plunging into the burdens of debt. |
|
Beyond financial considerations, there are other vital factors to contemplate when evaluating a job opportunity. |
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Firstly, the aspect of working hours and available vacation time should not be overlooked. |
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This directly influences an individual's ability to allocate time for personal commitments, such as family responsibilities, hobbies, and self-care. This directly influences an individual's ability to allocate time for personal commitments No comma necessary. |
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A sufficient time for such endeavors can create a healthy work-life balance, a pivotal contributor to one’s happiness, satisfaction, and mental health. |
|
Secondly, personal interests and passions should also play a crucial role in the decision-making process. |
|
Finding a job that resonates with one's interests and passions can markedly amplify job satisfaction. |
|
When people enjoy their work, it feels less like a chore and more like a fulfilling endeavors. When people enjoy their work, it feels less like a chore and more like a fulfilling endeavor When people enjoy their work, it feels less like a chore and more like a fulfilling endeavor It is singular. |
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The sense of stress and exhaustion accompanying with work can also diminished, leading to improved overall well-being. The sense of stress and exhaustion that accompany The sense of stress and exhaustion accompanying Accompanying never needs a "with" after it, you just go straight on. Eg. "I am accompanying you", "the bad smell accompanying that soup". And, these verbs need something in front. "the sense of stress can also be diminished", you need the "be". It's as if you said "the food can also eaten", or "the word can also learned". It needs the "be" to link it all together. |
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In conclusion, money is essential when it comes to job considerations as it significantly influence one’s survival, quality of life, health, and unforeseen issue management capacity. In conclusion, money is essential when it comes to job considerations as it significantly influences one’s survival, quality of life, health, and unforeseen |
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However, work-life balance and personal fulfilment are also important determinants as they are crucial for one’s happiness and overall well-being. |
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