lethanhhang's avatar
lethanhhang

Nov. 9, 2023

0
IELTS Writing Task 2

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many people believe that children should be taught to become a well person in society by there parents at home, while they are others who think that the place is sustaining for learning this is school and i agree with this point of view.


Firstly, some people feel that parents is the person who have a responsibility to teach their child according to this vision, the basis of their children starting from home, parents have to teach them to ensure that they understand about values and their position in the society.

Others people, however, feel that children have to apprehend that information by their teachers, from this point of view in case that, children have not only at home but they also can communicate with friends and teacher each other, moreover whole the time of student is justfor academic so they can enroll some out door activities to increasing their good characteristics.
I absolutely that learning from parents is necessary if parents have to give child all about how to become a good member of society, school will become less importance. In addition, combining between at home and at school is a nessciate work, people have to done this one’s immediately leading their child to become a good person in society,

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splinterofchaos's avatar
0

Many people believe that children should be taught to become a wellgood person in society by theire parents at home, while theyre are others who think that the place is sustaining forfor that is where they are learning this is, at school, and i agree with this point of view.

A rather difficult sentence so it's difficult to explain exactly why I made this correction. Also, maybe I guessed wrong about what you meant by "sustaining."

Firstly, some people feel that parents isare the persones who have a responsibility to teach their child a. According to this vision, the basis of their children(?) starting from home, parents have to teach them to ensure that they understand about values and their position in the society.

"basis of their children" is unclear. The basis of their learning? Their character? Their upbringing?

Others people, however, feel that children have to apprehend that information bylearn that from their teachers, f. From this point of view, in case that, children have not only at home but they. also can communicatelearn from with friends and teacher each other,; moreover whole the time of student is justfor academic sothey are a student they can enroll some out door activities to increasing their goobuild characteristics.

by -> from: "by" can be used to denote a method ("I learn new words by reading a dictionary" or "I go to work by car"), but using it with people is to treat them as a tool. You could say "children learn by listening to their teachers", but just "by their teachers" doesn't make sense. "From" on the other hand, just marks the teachers as from where their learning comes.

communicate -> learn from: Saying "they can communicate with friends" is fine on its own, they can, but how is that relevant to this topic? What are they communicating about? Ah, they're learning.

I absolutely believe that learning from parents is necessary i. If parents hagive to giveheir children all knowledge about how to become a good member of society, school will become less importancet.

In addition, combinmuting between at home and at school is a nessciatenecessary work, p. People have to done this one’s immediately leading their child to become a good person in society,

Sorry. This line is unclear to me. I cannot offer corrections.

Feedback

IMO, it's not really an either or thing. Schools let kids learn things that parents might not necessarily have sufficient background to teach, but parents can never absolve themselves of the responsibility to also be involved in the learning process.

lethanhhang's avatar
lethanhhang

Nov. 10, 2023

0

Thank you so much for your detailed review

MTs's avatar
MTs

0

Many people believe that children should be taught to become a wellgood person (or well-adjusted person) in society by theire parents at home, while theyre are others who think that the place is sustaining forfor moral learning this is school and i agree with this point of view.

their vs there
I am not sure what you meant by "sustaining"

Firstly, some people feel that parentsit is the person whoarent that haves a responsibility to teach their child according to this vision, the basis of their children eir understartnding from home, pvision. Parents have to teach them to ensure that they child understand abouts their values and their position in the society.

"the basis of their children starting from home, "
I am not sure what you mean by this

Others people, however, feel that children have to apprehendlearn thatis information byfrom their teachers, from this point of view in case that, children have not only at home but they also can communicate with friends and teacher each other, moreover whole the time of student is. A child at school can communicate with friends and teachers and not just parents. Moreover, a student at school is there just for academic purpose so they can enroll in some out dooextracurricular activities toand increasinge their chances of gaining good characteristics. from a variety of sources

I absolutelyOne can argue that learning from parents is necessary i. If parents have to giveare the entire source of information a child allhas about how to become a good member of society, school willthen becomes less importancet.

Dont you "I" in IELTS
Alway use something like "One can argue..." ; "As we can infer...."
Write in third person not first person.

In addition, combining between at home and at school is a nessciatenecessary work, people have to done this one’s immediately leading their child to become a good person in society,

Feedback

As someone who gave the IELTS. I have a couple of suggestions.
Firstly, understand what type of writing the examiners are looking for. Essays have a strict template in IELTS, which slightly changes based on the essay type. And, I think (it's been a while; so definitely double check) Writing Task 2 is not a to-and-for essay or it's an essay arguing against one point of view.
If it is a two-and-for type essay provide an introduction (and let the reader know which side you are learning towards), one "for" argument, one "against" argument and one conclusion paragraph.
If its an argument style essay, it should be one introduction paragraph, 2 paragraphs arguing against point of view and one conclusion para.

Secondly, your sentence structure needs a bit of work. but after some work i did get the gist of what you were saying. Look into their vs there, tenses and singular vs plural.

Thirdly, big words are not necessary, it's the template + sentence structure + proper grammar that is needed to get a high score.

lethanhhang's avatar
lethanhhang

Nov. 10, 2023

0

Thank you so much for your detailed review. I will try to rewrite my essay according to your suggestion.

IELTS Writing Task 2

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.

Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many people believe that children should be taught to become a well person in society by there parents at home, while they are others who think that the place is sustaining for learning this is school and i agree with this point of view.

Many people believe that children should be taught to become a wellgood person (or well-adjusted person) in society by theire parents at home, while theyre are others who think that the place is sustaining forfor moral learning this is school and i agree with this point of view.

their vs there I am not sure what you meant by "sustaining"

Many people believe that children should be taught to become a wellgood person in society by theire parents at home, while theyre are others who think that the place is sustaining forfor that is where they are learning this is, at school, and i agree with this point of view.

A rather difficult sentence so it's difficult to explain exactly why I made this correction. Also, maybe I guessed wrong about what you meant by "sustaining."

Firstly, some people feel that parents is the person who have a responsibility to teach their child according to this vision, the basis of their children starting from home, parents have to teach them to ensure that they understand about values and their position in the society.

Firstly, some people feel that parentsit is the person whoarent that haves a responsibility to teach their child according to this vision, the basis of their children eir understartnding from home, pvision. Parents have to teach them to ensure that they child understand abouts their values and their position in the society.

"the basis of their children starting from home, " I am not sure what you mean by this

Firstly, some people feel that parents isare the persones who have a responsibility to teach their child a. According to this vision, the basis of their children(?) starting from home, parents have to teach them to ensure that they understand about values and their position in the society.

"basis of their children" is unclear. The basis of their learning? Their character? Their upbringing?

Others people, however, feel that children have to apprehend that information by their teachers, from this point of view in case that, children have not only at home but they also can communicate with friends and teacher each other, moreover whole the time of student is justfor academic so they can enroll some out door activities to increasing their good characteristics.

Others people, however, feel that children have to apprehendlearn thatis information byfrom their teachers, from this point of view in case that, children have not only at home but they also can communicate with friends and teacher each other, moreover whole the time of student is. A child at school can communicate with friends and teachers and not just parents. Moreover, a student at school is there just for academic purpose so they can enroll in some out dooextracurricular activities toand increasinge their chances of gaining good characteristics. from a variety of sources

Others people, however, feel that children have to apprehend that information bylearn that from their teachers, f. From this point of view, in case that, children have not only at home but they. also can communicatelearn from with friends and teacher each other,; moreover whole the time of student is justfor academic sothey are a student they can enroll some out door activities to increasing their goobuild characteristics.

by -> from: "by" can be used to denote a method ("I learn new words by reading a dictionary" or "I go to work by car"), but using it with people is to treat them as a tool. You could say "children learn by listening to their teachers", but just "by their teachers" doesn't make sense. "From" on the other hand, just marks the teachers as from where their learning comes. communicate -> learn from: Saying "they can communicate with friends" is fine on its own, they can, but how is that relevant to this topic? What are they communicating about? Ah, they're learning.

I absolutely that learning from parents is necessary if parents have to give child all about how to become a good member of society, school will become less importance.

I absolutelyOne can argue that learning from parents is necessary i. If parents have to giveare the entire source of information a child allhas about how to become a good member of society, school willthen becomes less importancet.

Dont you "I" in IELTS Alway use something like "One can argue..." ; "As we can infer...." Write in third person not first person.

I absolutely believe that learning from parents is necessary i. If parents hagive to giveheir children all knowledge about how to become a good member of society, school will become less importancet.

In addition, combining between at home and at school is a nessciate work, people have to done this one’s immediately leading their child to become a good person in society,

In addition, combining between at home and at school is a nessciatenecessary work, people have to done this one’s immediately leading their child to become a good person in society,

In addition, combinmuting between at home and at school is a nessciatenecessary work, p. People have to done this one’s immediately leading their child to become a good person in society,

Sorry. This line is unclear to me. I cannot offer corrections.

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