ielts tIELTS Task 1

English speakers love to capitalize titles.

The four pie charts below compare the distribution of employment in three different sectors, —manufacturing, sales, and services, —in tTown A and tTown B in 1960 and 2010.

Overall, tTown A saw the greatest increase in the percentage of people working in services, which roseservice workers, rising from the least popular to the most popular sector.

In tTown B, however, sales remained havingtill maintained the highest proportion of the workforce, even despite a relatively substantial decrease.

With respect to/looking at t Town A, 41% of the employees in tTown A had a manufacturing-related job, about 10% higher than the figures for manufacturing and services, atwhich were 30% and 29%, respectively.

By hHalf a century later, however, employment in manufacturing and sales had approximately dropped by halfhalved, at 21% and 14%, respectively, whereas s. Services nearly tripled, surpassing the other two to attract the highest proportion of workers (64%).

Even a lot of English speakers do run-on sentences, but they become difficult to read after a while. There is a risk that the reader will forget the beginning of the sentence after reaching the end.

In terms of/turning to tAs for Town B, manufacturing attracted the majority of its employees, despite a drop of 17%: from 70% in 1960 to 53% in 2010.

The other two sectors, by contrast, hamoved ain the opposite trend, with a significant rise for services, from 10% to 25%, and an insignificant one for salesdirection. Services rose significantly, from 10% to 25%. Sales had an increase that was not statistically significant, from 20% to 22%.

I added the word "mathematically." I'm a mathematician and it sounds like the intent was to say that the sampling was too weak to show evidence of an increase?

In town B, however, sales remacontinued to havinge the highest proportion of the workforce despite a relatively substantial decrease.

Decrease in what? A decrease in workers? As we can't see the graphs, it can be helpful to state the specifics

With respect to/looking at town A, 41% of the employees in town A had a manufacturing-related job, about 10% higher than the figures for manufacturing and services, at 30% and 29%, respectively.

One question I would have here is: is it 10% higher then the figures for manufacturing and services from Town A in 1960, or is it about Town A and B from the 1960s, or is it about Town A and B from 2010?
To clarify you could add something like 'than the figures for manufacturing and services in 1960, at 30%...'

ByHowever, half a century later, however, employment in manufacturing and sales had approximately dropped by half, at 21% and 14%, respectively, whereas services nearly tripled, surpassing the other two to attract the highest proportion of workers (64%).

The other two sectors, by contrast, had an opposite trend, with a significant rise for services, from 10% to 25%, and an insignificant one for sales, from 20% to 22%.

To use less commas and make it sound less choppy, you can reorder some of the phrases here. As well, don't be afraid to separate long sentences into two! Sentence length variation makes written works easier and more enjoyable to read
Ex) By contrast, the other two sectors had an opposite trend. There was a significant rise in services, from 10% to 25%, while sales only increased slightly, from 20% to 22%.