Jan. 21, 2020
渋谷駅
渋谷駅で電車をおりて15分ほど歩くと、正門に着いた。キャンパスの中に入った途端に、この大学でどうしても4年間勉強してみたくなった。
Getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I got in front of the main entrance. At the moment when I entered the campus, I felt like to try to study at this college for four years for sure.
Correction Settings
GAfter getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I got in front of tharrived at the college main entrance.
After getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I arrived at the college main entrance.
At tThe moment when I entered the campus, I felt likeknew I wanted to try to study at this college for four years for suing here.
The moment I entered campus, I knew I wanted to try studying here.
Feedback
結構文章を変えたけど、'knew'を使ったらもう少し自然になるかなと思います。でも直接英語に通訳できないから、いろいろの言い方あると思います。
Getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I gotarrived in front of the main entrance.
Getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I arrived in front of the main entrance.
At tThe moment when I entered the campus, I felt for sure like to tryrying to study at this college for four years for sure.
The moment when I entered the campus, I felt for sure like trying to study at this college for four years.
Feedback
The other correction you received was excellent.
My corrections are an alternative with less modification to your original text. The way that you wrote it sounds like the start of a suspenseful personal accounting of a story, like you might write in a stylized memoir. This isn't wrong per se, but sounds very literary. The previous correction helped get you into a style that is more like what you would write in a letter or a journal.
GAfter getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I gotwas in front of the main entrance of the college.
After getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I was in front of the main entrance of the college.
After "main entrance" you should add the what the entrance is for (the entrance to the college), as you have not introduced the subject yet.
At tThe moment when I entered the campus, I felt likesure I was going to try to study at this college for four years for sure.
The moment I entered the campus, I felt sure I was going to try to study at this college for four years.
I put "I was going to try" but you could put "I wanted to try" or "I had to try" something else. Without a word to explain your personal feelings, it is unclear what your intentions with the sentence are, which is why that part is important to add.
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渋谷駅 |
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渋谷駅で電車をおりて15分ほど歩くと、正門に着いた。 |
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キャンパスの中に入った途端に、この大学でどうしても4年間勉強してみたくなった。 |
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Getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I got in front of the main entrance.
After "main entrance" you should add the what the entrance is for (the entrance to the college), as you have not introduced the subject yet.
Getting off the train at Shibuya station and walking for about fifteen minutes, I
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At the moment when I entered the campus, I felt like to try to study at this college for four years for sure.
I put "I was going to try" but you could put "I wanted to try" or "I had to try" something else. Without a word to explain your personal feelings, it is unclear what your intentions with the sentence are, which is why that part is important to add.
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