Rein's avatar
Rein

April 2, 2021

2
GRE Issue 'Restrictions on Scientific Research'

I'm aiming for scoring 4.5 in the GRE analytical writing session. Please make a judgement of my essay and teach me how to revise it. Thanks a lot!

Prompt

Governments should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

My Essay

Scientific research and development have played an increasingly important role in modern society. The prompt suggests that they should receive few restrictions from governments, while I strongly disagree with this idea. All the scientific research and development should under strict restrictions and supervision. I hold this view for three reasons, which I will elaborate on in the following essay.
To begin with, science is a double-edge sword. It is not all about improving our lives but can also do harm to, or even destroy our society. For instance, genetic engineering can be used to increase agricultural yields by making plants more productive and more robust to environmental disadvantages. Nevertheless, terrorists can also use such technology to produce deadly biochemical weapons. The pandemic of Covid-19 has already shown the fateful power of some viruses. Therefore, there must be enough restrictions and supervision on scientific research and development to prevent them from producing harmful results.
Moreover, without restrictions, some researchers may turn to dirty ways to simplify their research. For example, during World War II, Nazi and Japanese scientists carried out numerous human body experiments on prisoners since no one cared about their rights. These experiments caused extreme misery on the prisoners though. Thus, if there aren't enough restrictions on scientific research and development, we will whiteness more human test subjects suffering from incipient experiments. Thanks to modern restrictions on medical research, it is commonplace that products like drugs are strictly prohibited for tests on humans unless they have been proven safe by multiple tests on animals.
Last but not least, some researchers may try to adulterate their outcomes for their own interests. This can cause disastrous consequences if there isn't enough supervision and restrictions. For instance, if researchers who invent a novel nuclear reactor have concealed all the security risks within it, power plants which adopt it will be enormously dangerous. In order to prevent researchers from potential academic misconduct, there have to be strict restrictions and supervision on scientific research and development.
In conclusion, scientific research and development shouldn't take place unless there are enough restrictions and supervision. Because without them we cannot prevent researchers from producing deadly results, use inappropriate methods in their research, and indulge themselves in academic misconduct.

gre
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Corrections
concourse's avatar
0

All the scientific research and development should occur under strict restrictions and supervision.

"should be" would also work, but would sound more passive. Also, you might want to use "regulations" instead of "restrictions"

I hold this view for three reasons, which I will elaborate on in the following essay.

I would suggest you list the three reasons here. Something like "I hold this view because of X, Y, and Z." There's nothing wrong with this sentence itself, though.

To begin with, science is a double-edged sword.

For instance, genetic engineering can be used to increase agricultural yields by making plants more productive and more robust toin the face of environmental disadvantages.

You might want to just re-write the final part of this sentence. It sounds like you're trying to explain that genetic engineering can increase the likelihood of plants surviving droughts and other events, and that might just be difficult to explain succinctly in this sentence. Still totally understandable, though.

The pandemic of Covid-19 has already shown the fatefuldevastating power of some viruses.

"fateful" is just a very uncommon word to use.

Therefore, there must be enough restrictions and supervision on scientific research and development to prevent them from producing harmful results.

Shorter, gets to the point faster.

These experiments caused extreme misery on the prisoners though.

Thus, if there aren't enough restrictions on scientific research and development, we will whiteness more human test subjects suffering from incipient experiments.

I'm not sure if "incipient" is the word you want here, but it just depends on what adjective you want.

Thanks to modern restrictions on medical research, it is commonplace that products like drugs aretesting drugs on humans is strictly prohibited for tests on humans unless they drugs have been proven safe by multiple tests on animals.

This can cause disastrous consequences if there isn't enough supervision and restrictions.

For instance, if researchers who invent a novel nuclear reactor have concealed all the security risks within it, power plants whichthat adopted it willould be enormously dangerous.

Because wWithout them, we cannot prevent researchers from producing deadly results, useing inappropriate methods in their research, and indulge themselvesresearch methods, and engaging in academic misconduct.

Feedback

Good essay. I had no problem understanding it. The meaning of each sentence is clear even when there are minor mistakes. I didn't nit-pick, so somebody else might point out other small errors. In terms of the construction of your essay overall, I would suggest you place your thesis more clearly at the front. Also, because you reference "restrictions and supervision" but do not say who exactly will be placing the restrictions or performing the supervision, you set yourself up for more use of passive voice throughout the essay. By identifying the actor behind the restrictions & supervision, you would enable more active voice throughout, which I assume graders would prefer.

Again, nice job!

Rein's avatar
Rein

April 4, 2021

2

Thanks a lot!😊

GRE Issue 'Restrictions on Scientific Research'

I'm aiming for scoring 4.5 in the GRE analytical writing session.

Please make a judgement of my essay and teach me how to revise it.

Thanks a lot!

Prompt

Governments should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take.

In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

My Essay

Scientific research and development have played an increasingly important role in modern society.

The prompt suggests that they should receive few restrictions from governments, while I strongly disagree with this idea.

All the scientific research and development should under strict restrictions and supervision.

All the scientific research and development should occur under strict restrictions and supervision.

"should be" would also work, but would sound more passive. Also, you might want to use "regulations" instead of "restrictions"

I hold this view for three reasons, which I will elaborate on in the following essay.

I hold this view for three reasons, which I will elaborate on in the following essay.

I would suggest you list the three reasons here. Something like "I hold this view because of X, Y, and Z." There's nothing wrong with this sentence itself, though.

To begin with, science is a double-edge sword.

To begin with, science is a double-edged sword.

It is not all about improving our lives but can also do harm to, or even destroy our society.

For instance, genetic engineering can be used to increase agricultural yields by making plants more productive and more robust to environmental disadvantages.

For instance, genetic engineering can be used to increase agricultural yields by making plants more productive and more robust toin the face of environmental disadvantages.

You might want to just re-write the final part of this sentence. It sounds like you're trying to explain that genetic engineering can increase the likelihood of plants surviving droughts and other events, and that might just be difficult to explain succinctly in this sentence. Still totally understandable, though.

Nevertheless, terrorists can also use such technology to produce deadly biochemical weapons.

The pandemic of Covid-19 has already shown the fateful power of some viruses.

The pandemic of Covid-19 has already shown the fatefuldevastating power of some viruses.

"fateful" is just a very uncommon word to use.

Therefore, there must be enough restrictions and supervision on scientific research and development to prevent them from producing harmful results.

Therefore, there must be enough restrictions and supervision on scientific research and development to prevent them from producing harmful results.

Shorter, gets to the point faster.

Moreover, without restrictions, some researchers may turn to dirty ways to simplify their research.

For example, during World War II, Nazi and Japanese scientists carried out numerous human body experiments on prisoners since no one cared about their rights.

These experiments caused extreme misery on the prisoners though.

These experiments caused extreme misery on the prisoners though.

Thus, if there aren't enough restrictions on scientific research and development, we will whiteness more human test subjects suffering from incipient experiments.

Thus, if there aren't enough restrictions on scientific research and development, we will whiteness more human test subjects suffering from incipient experiments.

I'm not sure if "incipient" is the word you want here, but it just depends on what adjective you want.

Thanks to modern restrictions on medical research, it is commonplace that products like drugs are strictly prohibited for tests on humans unless they have been proven safe by multiple tests on animals.

Thanks to modern restrictions on medical research, it is commonplace that products like drugs aretesting drugs on humans is strictly prohibited for tests on humans unless they drugs have been proven safe by multiple tests on animals.

Last but not least, some researchers may try to adulterate their outcomes for their own interests.

This can cause disastrous consequences if there isn't enough supervision and restrictions.

This can cause disastrous consequences if there isn't enough supervision and restrictions.

For instance, if researchers who invent a novel nuclear reactor have concealed all the security risks within it, power plants which adopt it will be enormously dangerous.

For instance, if researchers who invent a novel nuclear reactor have concealed all the security risks within it, power plants whichthat adopted it willould be enormously dangerous.

In order to prevent researchers from potential academic misconduct, there have to be strict restrictions and supervision on scientific research and development.

In conclusion, scientific research and development shouldn't take place unless there are enough restrictions and supervision.

Because without them we cannot prevent researchers from producing deadly results, use inappropriate methods in their research, and indulge themselves in academic misconduct.

Because wWithout them, we cannot prevent researchers from producing deadly results, useing inappropriate methods in their research, and indulge themselvesresearch methods, and engaging in academic misconduct.

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