Oct. 19, 2023
Fix the lyrics
- HOUSE NUMBER 11
I was born and raised at House Number 11,
Sun and air - my life's heaven.
A shelter for birds, I was content,
But then she appeared.
Every day, I observed everything
She did on her balcony.
Watching how she started and ended the day,
Trying to find a better way.
(Chorus)
A silent witness to a single life,
In a small house, in a noisy land.
In a world that's a sparkling whirl,
I stay still as the stories unwind.
(Verse 2)
Well... Meditating, yoga in the morning,
And the day was reborn.
She started smoking, cried, and tried to cope,
Tended to the plants with love.
She sang and wrote in her diary,
Crafted beautiful things with her man.
They arranged candles, dinners, love,
Creating paradise amid life's constant change.
(or: Through the winds of change, they were creating paradise.)
(Bridge)
The future is unknown, I cannot tell,
Renovations may end, children may dwell.
Laughter may fill the air, or her mind may break,
He may drown his sorrows, or a journey undertake.
They may depart this world, side by side,
But I'll remain here, where I'll always abide.
Hi! I'm writing a song. Please help me to fix the lyrics, make it lively, preferably keep the rhyme.
- HOUSE NUMBER 11
¶
¶
I was born and raised at House Number 11,
¶
Sun and air - my life'slike I'm in heaven.
You can say "my life is heavenly" (adjectival usage) or "I'm in heaven", but "My life is heaven" is unclear.
In a world that's a sparkling whirl,
¶
I stay still as the stories unwind.
I like "whirl" contrasting with "unwind", but "sparkling whirl" feels a bit weird. "Whirl" is not a common word. What about "a spiraling world?" And if you want it to rhyme, "In a spiraling world, I am confined. I stay still, as the stories unwind."
(Verse 2)
¶
Well... Meditating,on. yoga in the morning,
¶
And the day was reborn.
I was thinking "Meditation. Yoga in the morning." (The subject does both.) or "Meditating yoga in the morning." (the yoga is meditative.)
"And the day was reborn" is a bit unclear. First, I wonder if "was" should be "is". Second, I wonder if it means "the day starts." To say "the day is reborn" has more of a nuance of "Today sucked and then something good started happening" or "I thought I was done for the day, but something new is happening." But it's poetry so it might be fine as is as long as that's the nuance you want.
They arranged candles, dinners, love,
¶
Creating paradise amid life's constant change.
"love" isn't really something you can arrange so the meaning's a bit unclear here, even granting the line poetic license.
(Bridge)
¶
The future is unknown, I cannot tell,
¶
Renovations may endhault, children may dwell.
Usually, renovations ending mean they have completed, but it feels like the intended nuance for this line is that they are interrupted or halted.
Laughter may fill the air, or her mind may break,
¶
He may drown his sorrows, or a journey undepartake.
Partake maybe has slightly different nuance than "undertake", but "her mind may break" is four syllables so I thought "a journey partake" would match the flow better, also being four syllables. Either way, it's grammatically odd, but I think can work for lyrics.
They may depart this world, side by side,
¶
But I'll remain here, where I'll always abreside.
Abide means to conform to a rule or expectation. I think you mean "reside", to remain, to stay, to be situated.
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Fix the lyrics |
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- HOUSE NUMBER 11 I was born and raised at House Number 11, Sun and air - my life's heaven. - HOUSE NUMBER 11 You can say "my life is heavenly" (adjectival usage) or "I'm in heaven", but "My life is heaven" is unclear. |
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A shelter for birds, I was content, But then she appeared. |
|
Every day, I observed everything She did on her balcony. |
|
Watching how she started and ended the day, Trying to find a better way. |
|
(Chorus) A silent witness to a single life, In a small house, in a noisy land. |
|
In a world that's a sparkling whirl, I stay still as the stories unwind. In a world that's a sparkling whirl, I like "whirl" contrasting with "unwind", but "sparkling whirl" feels a bit weird. "Whirl" is not a common word. What about "a spiraling world?" And if you want it to rhyme, "In a spiraling world, I am confined. I stay still, as the stories unwind." |
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(Verse 2) Well... Meditating, yoga in the morning, And the day was reborn. (Verse 2) I was thinking "Meditation. Yoga in the morning." (The subject does both.) or "Meditating yoga in the morning." (the yoga is meditative.) "And the day was reborn" is a bit unclear. First, I wonder if "was" should be "is". Second, I wonder if it means "the day starts." To say "the day is reborn" has more of a nuance of "Today sucked and then something good started happening" or "I thought I was done for the day, but something new is happening." But it's poetry so it might be fine as is as long as that's the nuance you want. |
|
She started smoking, cried, and tried to cope, Tended to the plants with love. |
|
She sang and wrote in her diary, Crafted beautiful things with her man. |
|
They arranged candles, dinners, love, Creating paradise amid life's constant change. They arranged candles, dinners, love, "love" isn't really something you can arrange so the meaning's a bit unclear here, even granting the line poetic license. |
|
(or: Through the winds of change, they were creating paradise.) |
|
(Bridge) The future is unknown, I cannot tell, Renovations may end, children may dwell. (Bridge) Usually, renovations ending mean they have completed, but it feels like the intended nuance for this line is that they are interrupted or halted. |
|
Laughter may fill the air, or her mind may break, He may drown his sorrows, or a journey undertake. Laughter may fill the air, or her mind may break, Partake maybe has slightly different nuance than "undertake", but "her mind may break" is four syllables so I thought "a journey partake" would match the flow better, also being four syllables. Either way, it's grammatically odd, but I think can work for lyrics. |
|
They may depart this world, side by side, But I'll remain here, where I'll always abide. They may depart this world, side by side, Abide means to conform to a rule or expectation. I think you mean "reside", to remain, to stay, to be situated. |
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