June 27, 2021
Fairly Tale "Hanasaka Jiisan" Part 1
Unbelievably, what they saw was full of gold coins once again coming out from that mortar.
The mean Obaasan stole a glance at that scene and told her husband. The gentle Ojiisan lent mean Ojiisan the mortar without any doubt. The mean Ojiisan was expected to make a large fortune this time. However, when they were going to pound steamed rice in the mortar, suddenly, rubbish was produced from it.
It made the mean Ojiisan's blood boil and he burned the mortar. As the gentle Ojiisan asked him to return it, he lied " The mortar was broken, so I burned it." The gentle Ojiisan's heart was filled with grief and squeezed ash of the mortar tight. He said
" Shiro, I am so sorry for you." When he was crying, ash was blow in the wind and shower down on trees.
An amazing sight spread out.
To be continued.
Unbelievably, what they saw was full of gold coins once again coming out ofrom that mortar.
As the gentle Ojiisan asked him to return it, he lied, " The mortar was broken, so I burned it."
The gentle Ojiisan's heart was filled with grief and tightly squeezed ash ofrom the mortar tight.
I am not sure what you are referring to with "tight," so I placed it as an adverb before squeezed.
He said,
Always use a comma after "said" or any other word that is going to refer to a statement in quotations that follows it.
" Shiro, I am so sorry for you."
Don't put a space between the quotation mark and the first word in the sentence.
When he was crying, ash was blown in the wind and showered down on trees.
The verb tense for "blown" and "showered" has to fit "was."
Feedback
That was excellent. It takes courage to write a story in another language that is not your native tongue. Writing fictional stories are probably the most difficult because it requires a great deal of knowledge in grammar, usage and style. I find essays and reports to be easier since they are just formal writing without any need of also creating plots, expressing feelings, or developing characters. So I am very interested in continuing to read your short stories.
June 29, 2021
Hello rubic,
Thank you so much for your correction and complement. I am glad that you've already read Part 1. Have a lovely day!
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Fairly Tale "Hanasaka Jiisan" Part 1 |
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Unbelievably, what they saw was full of gold coins once again coming out from that mortar. Unbelievably, what they saw was full of gold coins once again coming out of |
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The mean Obaasan stole a glance at that scene and told her husband. |
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The gentle Ojiisan lent mean Ojiisan the mortar without any doubt. |
|
The mean Ojiisan was expected to make a large fortune this time. |
|
However, when they were going to pound steamed rice in the mortar, suddenly, rubbish was produced from it. |
|
It made the mean Ojiisan's blood boil and he burned the mortar. |
|
As the gentle Ojiisan asked him to return it, he lied " The mortar was broken, so I burned it." As the gentle Ojiisan asked him to return it, he lied, " |
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The gentle Ojiisan's heart was filled with grief and squeezed ash of the mortar tight. The gentle Ojiisan's heart was filled with grief and tightly squeezed ash I am not sure what you are referring to with "tight," so I placed it as an adverb before squeezed. |
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He said He said, Always use a comma after "said" or any other word that is going to refer to a statement in quotations that follows it. |
|
" Shiro, I am so sorry for you." " Don't put a space between the quotation mark and the first word in the sentence. |
|
When he was crying, ash was blow in the wind and shower down on trees. When he was crying, ash was blown in the wind and showered down on trees. The verb tense for "blown" and "showered" has to fit "was." |
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An amazing sight spread out. |
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To be continued. |
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