Dec. 31, 2021
Book - A Shot in the Dark - P17
Masie was nineteen years old and seductive enough to win over any man. Taking advantage of them was ridiculously easy and she was awfully pleased with it. When Masie had eventually arrived at the booth, Brunswick made his invitation* and she accepted. As Brunswick walked off, he noticed Vince gazing at him with a murderous look.
As for Luigi, today things were not looking good. The ice cream parlour was packed with customers and his new employee Geordie Harry was missing. Luigi felt a growing sense of unease. After all, he had given Geordie the job merely out of pity. Back at the time Geordie had been mentally and physically weary and taking that job had greatly helped him. Unfortunately, ever since he caught sight of that case file, which Inspector Steine was perusing, he had seemed unsettled. Whatever that case file was about, it must have deeply troubled him. When it was about closing time, Luigi noticed a small envelope addressed to him from Geordie. When its content had sunk in, Luigi called out to his sons with shock. They hastily shut the doors and set to find Geordie. His body was lifeless on the floor of the big freezer. In his letter he had addressed A.S. Crystal** as the man who had destroyed his life. “They say that a bad review has never killed anyone, well, allow me to disagree.”
<p>*to the tonight's hippodrome show</p>
<p>**Geordie had been a playwright; he had received a bad review from Crystal (a critic) that ruined his carrer</p>
Correction Settings
Taking advantage of them was ridiculously easy and she was awfully pleased with ithat/herself.
Taking advantage of them was ridiculously easy and she was awfully pleased with that/herself.
When Masie had eventufinally arrived at the booth, Brunswick made his invitation* and she accepted.
When Masie finally arrived at the booth, Brunswick made his invitation* and she accepted.
Depends what is happening in the story:
Brunswick offered to accompany her
Brunswick invited her into the kitchen, etc.
As Brunswick walked offaway, he noticed Vince gazing at him with a murderous look.
As Brunswick walked away, he noticed Vince gazing at him with a murderous look.
The ice cream parlour was packed with customers and his new employee Geordie Harry was missing. The ice cream parlour was packed with customers and his new employee Geordie Harry was missing.
You could write 'and his new employee Geordie Harry hadn't shown up yet' if he simply didn't come to work.
After all, he had given Geordie the job merely out of sheer pity.
After all, he had given Geordie the job out of sheer pity.
Back aAt theat time Geordie had been mentally and physically weary andexhausted yet taking that job had greatly helped him.
At that time Geordie had been mentally and physically exhausted yet taking that job had greatly helped him.
Unfortunately, ever since he caught sight of that case file, which Inspector Steine was perusursuing, he had seemedfelt unsettled.
Unfortunately, ever since he caught sight of that case file, which Inspector Steine was pursuing, he had felt unsettled.
When it was aboutnear closing time, Luigi noticed a small envelope addressed to him from Geordie.
When it was near closing time, Luigi noticed a small envelope addressed to him from Geordie.
When its contents had sunk in, Luigi called out to his sons with shock. When its contents had sunk in, Luigi called out to his sons with shock.
'When its contents had sunk in' sounds a bit strange, I would write 'after he had read it'.
They hastily shut the doors and set out to find Geordie. They hastily shut the doors and set out to find Geordie.
His body was lifeless on the floor of the bigwalk-in freezer.
His body was lifeless on the floor of the walk-in freezer.
In his letter he had addressnamed A.S. Crystal** as the man who had destroyed his life.
In his letter he had named A.S. Crystal** as the man who had destroyed his life.
Feedback
Well done :) Fiction writing is a lot more challenging than non-fiction
Jan. 2, 2022
Unfortunately, ever since he caught sight of that case file, which Inspector Steine was perusursuing, he had seemedfelt unsettled.
For "perusing" I meant he was reading it carefully. Here the scene I was referring : Inspector Steine was seated at the ice cream parlour (where Geordie Harry was working) and had brought along this case file. When Geordie came over to Steine's table to take his order, he noticed Steine was reading through this heap of paper; getting closer he realised what it was about (I hope I've explained myself clearly)
Jan. 2, 2022
Thanks a lot for your help! You've helped me realise a couple of things I never even considered
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“They say that a bad review has never killed anyone, well, allow me to disagree.” |
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Book - A Shot in the Dark - P17 |
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Masie was nineteen years old and seductive enough to win over any man. |
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Taking advantage of them was ridiculously easy and she was awfully pleased with it.
Taking advantage of them was ridiculously easy and she was awfully pleased with |
|
When Masie had eventually arrived at the booth, Brunswick made his invitation* and she accepted.
When Masie Depends what is happening in the story: Brunswick offered to accompany her Brunswick invited her into the kitchen, etc. |
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As Brunswick walked off, he noticed Vince gazing at him with a murderous look.
As Brunswick walked |
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As for Luigi, today things were not looking good. |
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The ice cream parlour was packed with customers and his new employee Geordie Harry was missing. The ice cream parlour was packed with customers and his new employee Geordie Harry was missing. The ice cream parlour was packed with customers and his new employee Geordie Harry was missing. You could write 'and his new employee Geordie Harry hadn't shown up yet' if he simply didn't come to work. |
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Luigi felt a growing sense of unease. |
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After all, he had given Geordie the job merely out of pity.
After all, he had given Geordie the job |
|
Back at the time Geordie had been mentally and physically weary and taking that job had greatly helped him.
|
|
Unfortunately, ever since he caught sight of that case file, which Inspector Steine was perusing, he had seemed unsettled.
Unfortunately, ever since he caught sight of that case file, which Inspector Steine was p |
|
Whatever that case file was about, it must have deeply troubled him. |
|
When it was about closing time, Luigi noticed a small envelope addressed to him from Geordie.
When it was |
|
When its content had sunk in, Luigi called out to his sons with shock. When its contents had sunk in, Luigi called out to his sons with shock. When its contents had sunk in, Luigi called out to his sons with shock. 'When its contents had sunk in' sounds a bit strange, I would write 'after he had read it'. |
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They hastily shut the doors and set to find Geordie. They hastily shut the doors and set out to find Geordie. They hastily shut the doors and set out to find Geordie. |
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His body was lifeless on the floor of the big freezer.
His body was lifeless on the floor of the |
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In his letter he had addressed A.S. Crystal** as the man who had destroyed his life.
In his letter he had |
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