April 1, 2020
Deceitful old bag of strawberries (please suggest another m.
Want free striptease? This guy knows the trick!
One more crazy stupid criminal story. Although, it is not that stupid on the second thought and is rather genius in a criminal sort of way.
This story started in 2013 when a prostitute showed up (= appeared = came to a porch) on a porch in Elkhorn neighbourhood and started to dance striptease. There was two big problems though. The first one is that the owners of the house {next to which the prostitute was making her dance} did not order one. The second problem is that there actually were up to 100 instances of such appearences in the course of three years (= over the course of three years = for three years = through three years = during three years). The situation was even worse than it might have sounded since there were two children in the family. So the prostitutes would come up to the porch, do their dance and then require a payment for the provided services. The family was shocked and terrified for the three solid years assuming that there was some revenge plan going on (= in motion = conducting = happening). The reality was different, though, and the truth came to light (= was revealed) as soon as the police were involved. You would probably guess by the time who has been doing all of this. And it is as gross as is genius.
It turned out that it was their neighbor, a 45 year-old man, some Douglas Goldsberry. He came up with a plan on how to save some money ordering strippers. He would order strippers impersonating his neighbours. Then the strippers would come up to the neighbors’ porch and doing their dances as he was observing (= watching = looking at) them doing so from his kitchen window. He was watching them stripping from his house which is situated next to the victim’s one. This gross scheme came to light as soon as the police were involved. He has been sentenced for four years in prison. He pleaded no contest to the crime.
Want a free striptease?
Either one or plural - this doesn't flow as well though - (want free stripteases)
This guy knows the trick!
AlThough, on second thought, it is not thatas stupid on the second thought and is ratheras it is genius, in a criminal sort of way.
This flows much more fluently (sorry I'm not sure why)
This story started in 2013 when a prostitute showed up (= appeared = came to a porch) on a porch in the Elkhorn neighbourhood and started to dancea striptease. dance.
There wasere two big problems though.
You are using the past tense in the previous paragraph, so the story takes place in, and should be told in, the past (tense)
The first one iwas that the owners of the house {next to which the prostitute was making her danceing} did not order onea stripper.
Past tense. Stripper = a pole dancer or similar. Can also be a prostitute but they are not the same.
The second problem iwas that there actually were up to 100 instances of such appearences inover the course of three years (= over the course of three years = for three years = through three years = during three years).
Over sounds best but in would also be acceptable here
The situation was even worse than it might have sounded since there were two children in the family.
So the prostitutes would come up to the porch, do their dance and then require a payment for the provided services.
The family was shocked and terrified for the three solid years assuming that there was some sort of revenge plan going on (= in motion = conducting = happening).
The reality was different, though, and the truth came to light (= was revealed) as soon as the police werbecame involved.
Were involved technically works, but this seems to be a 'sudden' event happening in the story so became is better
You wouldBy this point (=time in the story), you have probably guess by the timed who hwas been doinghind (=doing =planning =orchestrating) all of this.
It turned out that it was their neighbor, a 45 year-old man, some(called) Douglas Goldsberry.
I see what you were trying to do here, but some doesn't really work to introduce a precise name.
He came up with a plan on how to save some money by ordering strippers.
Then the strippers would come up to the neighbors’ porch and doing their dances as (while) he was observing (= watching = looking at) them doing so from his kitchen window.
No need for 'doing son, it is already implied in the action
Feedback
Well done! Nice use of language.
April 1, 2020
He came up with a plan on how to save some money by ordering strippers.
Sorry should by 'on' not 'by'
April 1, 2020
Thanks for the correction! Very detailed and explicit!
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Deceitful old bag of strawberries (please suggest another m. |
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Want free striptease? Want a free striptease? Either one or plural - this doesn't flow as well though - (want free stripteases) |
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This guy knows the trick! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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One more crazy stupid criminal story. |
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Although, it is not that stupid on the second thought and is rather genius in a criminal sort of way.
This flows much more fluently (sorry I'm not sure why) |
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This story started in 2013 when a prostitute showed up (= appeared = came to a porch) on a porch in Elkhorn neighbourhood and started to dance striptease. This story started in 2013 when a prostitute showed up (= appeared |
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There was two big problems though. There w You are using the past tense in the previous paragraph, so the story takes place in, and should be told in, the past (tense) |
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The first one is that the owners of the house {next to which the prostitute was making her dance} did not order one. The first Past tense. Stripper = a pole dancer or similar. Can also be a prostitute but they are not the same. |
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The second problem is that there actually were up to 100 instances of such appearences in the course of three years (= over the course of three years = for three years = through three years = during three years). The second problem Over sounds best but in would also be acceptable here |
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The situation was even worse than it might have sounded since there were two children in the family. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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So the prostitutes would come up to the porch, do their dance and then require a payment for the provided services. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The family was shocked and terrified for the three solid years assuming that there was some revenge plan going on (= in motion = conducting = happening). The family was shocked and terrified for |
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The reality was different, though, and the truth came to light (= was revealed) as soon as the police were involved. The reality was different, though, and the truth came to light (= was revealed) as soon as the police Were involved technically works, but this seems to be a 'sudden' event happening in the story so became is better |
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You would probably guess by the time who has been doing all of this.
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And it is as gross as is genius. |
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It turned out that it was their neighbor, a 45 year-old man, some Douglas Goldsberry. It turned out that it was their neighbor, a 45 year-old man, I see what you were trying to do here, but some doesn't really work to introduce a precise name. |
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He came up with a plan on how to save some money ordering strippers. He came up with a plan on how to save some money by ordering strippers. |
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He would order strippers impersonating his neighbours. |
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Then the strippers would come up to the neighbors’ porch and doing their dances as he was observing (= watching = looking at) them doing so from his kitchen window. Then the strippers would come up to the neighbors’ porch and do No need for 'doing son, it is already implied in the action |
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He was watching them stripping from his house which is situated next to the victim’s one. |
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This gross scheme came to light as soon as the police were involved. |
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He has been sentenced for four years in prison. |
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He pleaded no contest to the crime. |
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