Could you correct this email, please.? Thanks. in advance!

The original version is way too terse for an English-speaking audience.

Dear employeesteam, / Hello everyone,

Those sound a little friendlier, but obviously "Dear employees" is fine.

I hope you were able toeveryone had a great start theo this fiscal year 20xy off on a positive note.

As you all have heard, a new assistant manager has recently been appointed due to the turnover of Mr ColemaI would like to start off on a positive note by welcoming a new member to our team: Mr. [first name] Green.

Mr Green will replace him and commence his work soobe a new assistant manager, taking the reins from Mr. Coleman.

Since his bank training, he has gained a lot of experience in differentMr. Green brings a wealth of banking expertise from several financial institutes, and has built a huge expertisewe are excited to have him join our team.

To provide Mr Green an easy start I expect you to assistPlease help him during his first few weeks whenever problemsith any questions or issues that may occur.

I amWelcome, Mr. Green! We looking forward to working with your new team.

Dear employees,Hello everyone

"Dear employees" sounds very cold, like saying "hello humans". "Hello everyone" is a bit less formal but "dear team" will also work.

I hope you were all able to start the 20xy fiscal year 20xy off on a positive note.

As you all have heard, a new assistant manager has recently been appointed due to the turnoverdeparture of Mr Coleman.

"turnover" sounds like he has been silently yet brutally fired. "departure" is the more common, neutral way of saying this.

Mr Green will replace him and commence his work soonsoon be taking on his old role.

I found this hard to directly translate into a less direct way so I took some liberties.

Since his bank training, he has gained a lot of experience in different financial institutes and has built a huge expertiseThrough his experiences at [specific financial institutions], Mr Green has developed a deep expertise in [your field] that will be invaluable to our team.

I re-interpreted this one a lot because it didn't quite click. I think this sentence needs some more specific examples, if you can.

To provideset Mr Green an easyoff to a good start I expecthope you tocan assist him during his first few weeks whenever problems occur.

I used the more informal idiom "to set someone off on a good start" because it's perfect for this situation. Also, I replaced "expect" with "hope" and the direct "to" to "can" because often in English we switch to a conditional tense to sound more polite. Just like you would say "Could you please pass the salt?" instead of "pass the salt".

I am looking forward to working with Mr Green and welcoming him to our new team