Jan. 26, 2022
Condemned
On my bare neck that my hand, as swift as a flock of dark sparrows, caresses beneath the collar, let your red lips lay a final kiss. Oh, my beautiful sun, my Spanish night, come and stand before my tired eyes that will by noon be dead. Reach me. Hold my hand. Open the door and carry me away to our yellow fields. Soon the sky will shine bright, and the flowers will sigh among the grass, but I will be no more. Come, my scarlet sunset, my blonde basket, visit me tonight. Climb, bite, kill, but come. Lay your soft cheek on my shoulder before my time is up. We haven’t yet finished talking about love. Race through the hallways. Run fast. Swoop down the stairs as quick as a falcon, as smoothly as a mountain brook. Threaten and plead if needs be, but come, my white frigate, and reach me at least one hour before my death.
Condemned
On my bare neck thatis my hand, as swift as a flock of dark sparrows,; caresses beneath the collar, and lets your red lips lay a final kiss.
Oh, my beautiful sun, my Spanish night, come and stand before my tired eyes that will by noon be dead.
This sentence is okay grammatically but sounds very stylistic. It's fine if you are writing in this style.
Swoop down the stairs as quick as a falcon, as smoothly as a mountain brook.
Mountain brook is not wrong but I had to look up the word. Your reader might not understand the emotion you are trying to convey.
Feedback
It is very stylized so you can play with words a lot and not be wrong, it sounds very poetic.
Jan. 27, 2022
Thank you, kasezora! It's a translation (although not very faithful to the original) of a poem by Jean Genet. That's why is so stylized.
Condemned
On my bare neck that my hand, as swift as a flock of dark sparrows, caresses beneath the collar, let your red lips lay a final kiss.
Oh, my beautiful sun, my Spanish night, come and stand before my tired eyes that will by noon be deade dead by noon.
Reach me.
Hold my hand.
Open the door and carry me away to our yellow fields.
Soon the sky will shine bright, and the flowers will sigh among the grass, but I will be no more.
Come, my scarlet sunset, my blonde basket, visit me tonight.
Climb, bite, kill, but come.
Lay your soft cheek on my shoulder before my time is up.
We haven’t yet finished talking about love.
Race through the hallways.
Run fast.
Swoop down the stairs as quick as a falcon, as smoothly as a mountain brook.
Threaten and plead if needs be, but come, my white frigate, and reach me at least one hour before my death.
Frigate is a war ship and I am not sure if that is the word you are looking for
Jan. 26, 2022
Thank you, Romany! The word frigate was there in the original French. I don't know what the author, Jean Genet, meant by it.
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Condemned This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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On my bare neck that my hand, as swift as a flock of dark sparrows, caresses beneath the collar, let your red lips lay a final kiss. This sentence has been marked as perfect! On my |
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Oh, my beautiful sun, my Spanish night, come and stand before my tired eyes that will by noon be dead. Oh, my beautiful sun, my Spanish night, come and stand before my tired eyes that will b Oh, my beautiful sun, my Spanish night, come and stand before my tired eyes that will by noon be dead. This sentence is okay grammatically but sounds very stylistic. It's fine if you are writing in this style. |
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Reach me. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Hold my hand. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Open the door and carry me away to our yellow fields. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
The sky will shine bright, and the flowers will sigh among the grass, but I will be no more. |
|
Come, my scarlet sunset, my blonde basket, visit me tonight. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Climb, bite, kill, but come. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Lay your soft cheek on my shoulder before my time is up. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
We haven’t yet finished talking about love. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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We haven’t yet laid bare all the deep secrets of our souls. |
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Race through the hallways. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Run fast. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Swoop down the stairs as quick as a falcon, as smoothly as a mountain brook. This sentence has been marked as perfect! Swoop down the stairs as quick as a falcon, as smoothly as a mountain brook. Mountain brook is not wrong but I had to look up the word. Your reader might not understand the emotion you are trying to convey. |
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Make use of threats and prayers, but come, my white frigate, and reach me one hour before my death. |
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Soon the sky will shine bright, and the flowers will sigh among the grass, but I will be no more. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Threaten and plead if needs be, but come, my white frigate, and reach me one hour before my death. |
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Threaten and plead if needs be, but come, my white frigate, and reach me at least one hour before my death. Threaten and plead if needs be, but come, my white frigate, and reach me at least one hour before my death. Frigate is a war ship and I am not sure if that is the word you are looking for |
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