samu's avatar
samu

Jan. 7, 2022

1
Book - A Shot in the Dark - P23

Part twenty-three.
This story is purposely set in the present.

Professor Mesmer has not seen any ginger coming through, but suggests Sergeant Brunwick try Tommy Tricks’ dressing room; he* has girls going and coming all day. Asked if ever seen Miss Carver in a red wig, Mesmer replies he has not; Sergeant Brunswick and constable Twitten are convinced the con artist are** not ginger but, in reality, wear** a red wig to disguise themselves** as a red-haired woman. Turning to leave, Brunswick is struck by a thought: when will he ever get to face the great, popular Professor Mesmer again? He is totally overwhelmed with emotions: he praises all the sheer qualities of Mesmer, as if he were a schoolboy facing his hero; he stumbles when asked again his name; he wishes out loud he would not want Professor Mesmer feeling his head, (Mesmer being one of the best mentalist in Britain). But then, Mesmer does offer to read his mind, before Brunswick knows it, Mesmer is doing his magic, easily deceiving Brunswick: whatever “a large organ of hope” means, Brunswick is not going to question it. When Brunswick has finally come back on earth, Professor Mesmer reveals he has remembered seeing Miss Carver in a red wig.

* ”he” is referred to Tommy Tricks; is it clear?
**the police aren’t sure about the culprit gender

book
Corrections

Book - A Shot in the Dark - P23

Part twenty-three.

This story is purposely set in the present.

Professor Mesmer hasd not seen any ginger coming through, but suggests Sergeant Brunwick try Tommy Tricks’ dressing room; he* has girls going and coming all day.

Even though it is set in the present, we are talking about Professor Mesmer's past, so that bit still needs to be past tense. I think. This tense is tricky 😅

And yes, the he is clear.

Asked if he'd ever seen Miss Carver in a red wig, Mesmer replies he hasd not; Sergeant Brunswick and constable Twitten are convinced the con artist are**is not ginger but, in reality, wear**s a red wig to disguise themselves** as a red-haired woman.

con artist is singular so it's "is", even though themselves acts like a plural latter on. English really doesn't deal with unknown genders very well 😬

Turning to leave, Brunswick is struck by a thought: when will he ever get to face the great, popular Professor Mesmer again?

He is totally overwhelmed with emotions: he praises all the sheer qualities of Mesmer, as if he were a schoolboy facing his hero; he stumbles when asked again his name; he wishes out loud he would not want Professor Mesmer feeling his head, (Mesmer being one of the best mentalists in Britain).

But then, Mesmer does offer to read his mind, b. Before Brunswick knows it, Mesmer is doing his magic, easily deceiving Brunswick: whatever “a large organ of hope” means, Brunswick is not going to question it.

When Brunswick has finally come back ton earth, Professor Mesmer reveals he has remembered seeing Miss Carver in a red wig.

* ”he” is referred to Tommy Tricks; is it clear?

**the police aren’t sure about the culprit's gender

Feedback

This is a really tricky tense to write a story in, so I'm not super confident about my corrections. Good job though!

samu's avatar
samu

Jan. 11, 2022

1

Many thanks! I understand. I struggle a lot with the present perfect, hence I use present tenses. Unfortunately, one shoud have full knowledge of every details of the story to correct a sentence with the present perfect

Book - A Shot in the Dark - P23


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Part twenty-three.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

This story is purposely set in the present.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

Professor Mesmer has not seen any ginger coming through, but suggests Sergeant Brunwick try Tommy Tricks’ dressing room; he* has girls going and coming all day.


Professor Mesmer hasd not seen any ginger coming through, but suggests Sergeant Brunwick try Tommy Tricks’ dressing room; he* has girls going and coming all day.

Even though it is set in the present, we are talking about Professor Mesmer's past, so that bit still needs to be past tense. I think. This tense is tricky 😅 And yes, the he is clear.

Asked if ever seen Miss Carver in a red wig, Mesmer replies he has not; Sergeant Brunswick and constable Twitten are convinced the con artist are** not ginger but, in reality, wear** a red wig to disguise themselves** as a red-haired woman.


Asked if he'd ever seen Miss Carver in a red wig, Mesmer replies he hasd not; Sergeant Brunswick and constable Twitten are convinced the con artist are**is not ginger but, in reality, wear**s a red wig to disguise themselves** as a red-haired woman.

con artist is singular so it's "is", even though themselves acts like a plural latter on. English really doesn't deal with unknown genders very well 😬

Turning to leave, Brunswick is struck by a thought: when will he ever get to face the great, popular Professor Mesmer again?


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

He is totally overwhelmed with emotions: he praises all the sheer qualities of Mesmer, as if he were a schoolboy facing his hero; he stumbles when asked again his name; he wishes out loud he would not want Professor Mesmer feeling his head, (Mesmer being one of the best mentalist in Britain).


He is totally overwhelmed with emotions: he praises all the sheer qualities of Mesmer, as if he were a schoolboy facing his hero; he stumbles when asked again his name; he wishes out loud he would not want Professor Mesmer feeling his head, (Mesmer being one of the best mentalists in Britain).

But then, Mesmer does offer to read his mind, before Brunswick knows it, Mesmer is doing his magic, easily deceiving Brunswick: whatever “a large organ of hope” means, Brunswick is not going to question it.


But then, Mesmer does offer to read his mind, b. Before Brunswick knows it, Mesmer is doing his magic, easily deceiving Brunswick: whatever “a large organ of hope” means, Brunswick is not going to question it.

When Brunswick has finally come back on earth, Professor Mesmer reveals he has remembered seeing Miss Carver in a red wig.


When Brunswick has finally come back ton earth, Professor Mesmer reveals he has remembered seeing Miss Carver in a red wig.

* ”he” is referred to Tommy Tricks; is it clear?


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

**the police aren’t sure about the culprit gender


**the police aren’t sure about the culprit's gender

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