March 30, 2022
Book - A Shot in the Dark - 60
Summary no. 60
At 3 p.m. Penny was at the theatre rehearsing her part in the play. She performed superbly. She barely resembled the mediocre previous Penny. The cast put this astounding improvement down to her grief over her boyfriend and playwright’s death. The truth was that Penny was wrestling with the knowledge that her new lover, Bobby Melma, might’ve prevented her boyfriend’s violent death. It was a nagging doubt that had pushed her on the verge of a breakdown. Yet her performance didn’t give anything away.
While Penny was at the theatre, Bobby was getting ready to his own show at the hippodrome. He too was inwardly anxious. He wondered if he’d made a mistake revealing so much to Penny. Because of this fear, he had already disposed of every item he had stolen during his last break-ins. The police could’ve used them to pin Jack’s murder on Bobby. Still, it hadn’t and wouldn’t ease his mind. He would be haunted forever by the memory of the crime scene.
She barely resembled the mediocre previous Penny.
Or you could say "She hardly resembled the previous Penny."
Yet, her performance didn’t give anything away.
While Penny was at the theatre, Bobby was getting ready tofor his own show at the hippodrome.
He too was inwardly anxious.
A better word to use is "self conscious" rather than "inwardly anxious"
Because of this fear, he had already disposed of every item he had stolen during his last break-ins.
You could also use "Because of his fear..."
Still, ithey hadn’t and wouldn’t ease his mind.
they- in reference to "the police"
He would be haunted forever by the memory of the crime scene.
Another stylistic spin could be:
He would forever be haunted by the memory of the crime scene.
You could also drop the word crime since the reader already understands a crime has happened.
Feedback
Nice story
Book - A Shot in the Dark - 60
Summary no.
60
At 3 p.m. Penny was at the theatre rehearsing her part in the play.
She performed superbly.
She barely resembled the mediocre previous Penny.
The cast putascribed this astounding improvement down to her grief over her boyfriend and playwright’s death.
The truth was that Penny was wrestling with the knowledge that her new lover, Bobby Melma, mightcould’ve prevented her boyfriend’s violent death.
It was a nagging doubt that had pushed her ton the verge of a breakdown.
While Penny was at the theatre, Bobby was getting ready to start his own show at the hippodrome.
He too was inwardlywas also anxious.
anxious is already an inward emotion, so it sounds weird to say "inwardly anxious".
He wondered if he’d made a mistake revealing so much to Penny.
Because ofMotivated by this fear, he had already disposed of every item he had stolen during his last break-ins.
Stylistic change.
The police could’ve used them to pin Jack’s murder on Bobby.
Still, it hadn’t and wouldn’t ease his mind.
What does "it" refer to here? Unclear.
He would be haunted forever by the memory of the crime scene.
Feedback
Overall very good. The sentences are a little too short and choppy, and there were some minor corrections needed. But the grammar is, on the whole, well done!
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Book - A Shot in the Dark - 60 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Summary no. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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60 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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At 3 p.m. Penny was at the theatre rehearsing her part in the play. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She performed superbly. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She barely resembled the mediocre previous Penny. This sentence has been marked as perfect! She barely resembled the mediocre previous Penny. Or you could say "She hardly resembled the previous Penny." |
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The cast put this astounding improvement down to her grief over her boyfriend and playwright’s death. The cast |
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The truth was that Penny was wrestling with the knowledge that her new lover, Bobby Melma, might’ve prevented her boyfriend’s violent death. The truth was that Penny was wrestling with the knowledge that her new lover, Bobby Melma, |
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It was a nagging doubt that had pushed her on the verge of a breakdown. It was a nagging doubt that had pushed her to |
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Yet her performance didn’t give anything away. Yet, her performance didn’t give anything away. |
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While Penny was at the theatre, Bobby was getting ready to his own show at the hippodrome. While Penny was at the theatre, Bobby was getting ready to start his own show at the hippodrome. While Penny was at the theatre, Bobby was getting ready |
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He too was inwardly anxious. He anxious is already an inward emotion, so it sounds weird to say "inwardly anxious". He too was A better word to use is "self conscious" rather than "inwardly anxious" |
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He wondered if he’d made a mistake revealing so much to Penny. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Because of this fear, he had already disposed of every item he had stolen during his last break-ins.
Stylistic change. Because of this fear, he had already disposed of every item he had stolen during his last break-ins. You could also use "Because of his fear..." |
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The police could’ve used them to pin Jack’s murder on Bobby. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Still, it hadn’t and wouldn’t ease his mind. Still, it hadn’t and wouldn’t ease his mind. What does "it" refer to here? Unclear. Still, they- in reference to "the police" |
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He would be haunted forever by the memory of the crime scene. This sentence has been marked as perfect! He would be haunted forever by the memory of the crime scene. Another stylistic spin could be: He would forever be haunted by the memory of the crime scene. You could also drop the word crime since the reader already understands a crime has happened. |
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