March 23, 2022
Book - A Shot in the Dark - 58
Part no. 58
This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (except, of course, when I described past events), so analyse it as if it’s unfolding as you read it.
Constable Twitten continues to interview Mr Arnold, the bank manager. Twitten enquires if anyone at the bank would be able to provide new information about the robbery*. Mr Arnold thinks it unlikely. If they recalled anything new, they would’ve reported it directly to Crystal himself when he came around the other day. Crystal visiting the bank is news to Twitten, so he is rather puzzled. Twitten voices as much**. Mr Arnold explains that Crystal turned up at the bank, along with a German-speaking woman, to interview him and the bank staff about the robbery. Though, the woman seemed to be in charge, not him. They were engaged in some sort of psycho exercise to retrieve deep-buried memories of Crystal’s about the robbery. However, the whole scene was absolutely appalling. She treated Crystal horribly, snapping at him because he couldn’t recall anything. Crystal seemed unable to stand up to her as though she had a firm hold over his mind.
*Just to make things clearer, the robbery took place over ten years ago.
**By “as much”, I meant that Twitten voiced his confusion (if it makes sense this expression here), asking Mr Arnold to explain himself further.
Book - A Shot in the Dark - 58
Part no.
58
This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (except, of course, when I described past events), so analyse it as if it’s unfolding as you read it.
Constable Twitten continues to interview Mr Arnold, the bank manager.
Twitten enquires if anyone at the bank would be able to provide new information about the robbery*.
Mr Arnold thinks it unlikely.
IfHad they recalled anything new, they would’ve reported it directly to Crystal himself when he came around the other day.
Crystal visiting the bank is news to Twitten, so he is rather puzzled.
Twitten voices as much**.
Mr Arnold explains that Crystal turned up at the bank, along with a German-speaking woman, to interview him and the bank staff about the robbery.,
Tthough, the woman seemed to be in charge, not him.
I've joined this onto the previous sentence as it doesn't stand alone as its own sentence.
They were engaged in some sort of psycho exercise to retrieve deep-buried memories of Crystal’s about the robbery.
However, the whole sceneituation was absolutely appalling.
Your sentence is fine, but "situation" sounds slightly more natural here. Another way you could put it is "However, the whole scene was absolutely appalling to watch/behold".
SThe woman treated Crystal horribly, snapping at him because he couldn’t recall anything.
I think it's clearer here to say "the woman" than use her pronoun :)
Crystal seemed unable to stand up to her as though she had a firm hold over his mind.
*Just to make things clearer, the robbery took place over ten years ago.
**By “as much”, I meant that Twitten voiced his confusion (if it makes sense this expression here), asking Mr Arnold to explain himself further.
Yes that makes perfect sense here :)
Feedback
Good job! Your writing is very fluent and you've built tension well throughout the scene :)
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Book - A Shot in the Dark - 58 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Part no. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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58 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (except, of course, when I described past events), so analyse it as if it’s unfolding as you read it. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Constable Twitten continues to interview Mr Arnold, the bank manager. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Twitten enquires if anyone at the bank would be able to provide new information about the robbery*. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Mr Arnold thinks it unlikely. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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If they recalled anything new, they would’ve reported it directly to Crystal himself when he came around the other day.
|
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Crystal visiting the bank is news to Twitten, so he is rather puzzled. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Twitten voices as much**. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Mr Arnold explains that Crystal turned up at the bank, along with a German-speaking woman, to interview him and the bank staff about the robbery. Mr Arnold explains that Crystal turned up at the bank, along with a German-speaking woman, to interview him and the bank staff about the robbery |
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Though, the woman seemed to be in charge, not him.
I've joined this onto the previous sentence as it doesn't stand alone as its own sentence. |
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They were engaged in some sort of psycho exercise to retrieve deep-buried memories of Crystal’s about the robbery. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
However, the whole scene was absolutely appalling. However, the whole s Your sentence is fine, but "situation" sounds slightly more natural here. Another way you could put it is "However, the whole scene was absolutely appalling to watch/behold". |
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She treated Crystal horribly, snapping at him because he couldn’t recall anything.
I think it's clearer here to say "the woman" than use her pronoun :) |
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Crystal seemed unable to stand up to her as though she had a firm hold over his mind. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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*Just to make things clearer, the robbery took place over ten years ago. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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**By “as much”, I meant that Twitten voiced his confusion (if it makes sense this expression here), asking Mr Arnold to explain himself further. **By “as much”, I meant that Twitten voiced his confusion (if it makes sense this expression here), asking Mr Arnold to explain himself further. Yes that makes perfect sense here :) |
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