A Shot in the Dark - P38

samu

Jan. 27, 2022

A Shot in the Dark - P38

Part thirty-eight.
This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s taking place as you read it.)

Back at the police station, Inspector Steine is keen to get on with his speech notes for his weekly radio show. He will be talking about the Battle of Fulham Road—a famous riot that happened during a football match in London. In particular, he will be outlining the laws that were broken. However, his eager soon gives way to irritation. Twitten has left a note containing some insights and suggestions on the speech subject. That is outrageous, in Steine’s view.

Meanwhile, Twitten is waiting for Miss Sibert, Crystal’s secretary, at the train station. They have arranged to meet down* here in Brighton, so that she could hand over Crystal’s memoirs. It is essential for Twitten to get hold of it because it may provide a breakthrough on Crystal’s murder case. Twitten believes it could crack open the case. When her train pulls in, she does not seem to have boarded it. Indeed, no one on the platform fits her description—Twitten has only a written account of her appearence. As time goes by and no one shows up, Twitten feels a growing unsease. He rushes to the nearest telephone box—this being the 1950s—in a fit of anxiety. He does not have any money, so he has to first get through to the operator and then have the call rerouted to Miss Sibert. By the time he gets through to Miss Sibert, a long queue has formed outside the phone box, which Twitten has not notice yet. He soon enquires if something has happened. Indeed, something has happened, something dangerously bad; Crystal’s memoirs is gone. Miss Sibert says that someone must have stolen it.

*She lives in London, and he lives in Brighton. She travels to Brighton from London. So, is it correct to add “down”?

en 2

Correct

Corrections

her_royal_majessty

A Shot in the Dark - P38

Part thirty-eight.

This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s taking place as you read it. )

Back at the police station, Inspector Steine is keen to get on with his speech notes for his weekly radio show.

He will be talking about the Battle of Fulham Road—a famous riot that happened during a football match in London.

In particular, he will be outlining the laws that were broken.

However, his eagerness soon gives way to irritation.

That is outrageous, in Steine’s view.

They have arranged to meet down* here in Brighton, so that she could hand over Crystal’s memoirs.

It is essential for Twitten to get a hold of it because it may provide a breakthrough on Crystal’s murder case.

Twitten believes it could crack open the case.

When her train pulls in, she does not seem to ~~have boarded~~be on it.

Sounds more natural.

Indeed, no one on the platform fits her description—Twitten has only a written account of her appearence.

As time goes by and no one shows up, Twitten feels a growing unsease.

He rushes to the nearest telephone box—this being the 1950s—in a fit of anxiety.

He does not have any money, so he has to first get through to the operator and then have the call rerouted to Miss Sibert.

By the time he gets through to Miss Sibert, a long queue has formed outside the phone box, which Twitten has not noticed yet.

Indeed, something has happened, something dangerously bad;: Crystal’s memoirs isare gone.

Miss Sibert says that someone must have stolen it.

*She lives in London, and he lives in Brighton.

She travels to Brighton from London.

So, is it correct to add “down”?

It's correct, though it would also be fine to not add it. It gives it a nuance of her somewhat going out of her way to meet him.

Feedback

Great entry!

samu

Jan. 28, 2022

Thanks!

achan

A Shot in the Dark - P38

Part thirty-eight.

This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s taking place as you read it. )

Back at the police station, Inspector Steine is keen to get on with his speech notes for his weekly radio show.

He will be talking about the Battle of Fulham Road—a famous riot that happened during a football match in London.

In particular, he will be outlining the laws that were broken.

This is correct. However, this sentence and the previous one both start with "he will" so there is not much variety. You can combine them together to create a nicer flow: "He will be talking about the Battle of Fulham Road—a famous riot that happened during a football match in London—outlining the laws that were broken in particular."

However, his eagerness soon gives way to irritation.

Twitten has left a note containing some insights and suggestions on the speech subject.

That is outrageous, in Steine’s view.

Meanwhile, Twitten is waiting for Miss Sibert, Crystal’s secretary, at the train station.

They have arranged to meet down* ~~here~~ in Brighton, so that she could hand over Crystal’s memoirs.

See my comment below about this correction.

It is essential for Twitten to get hold of ithem because it may provide a breakthrough on Crystal’s murder case.

"Memoirs" above is plural, so you have to refer to memoirs using "them" in this sentence.

Twitten believes it could crack open the case.

When her train pulls in, she does not seem to ~~have boarded it~~be on board.

Indeed, no one on the platform fits her description—Twitten has only a written account of her appearence.

As time goes by and no one shows up, Twitten feels a growing unsease.

He rushes to the nearest telephone box—this being the 1950s—in a fit of anxiety.

He does not have any money, so he has to first get through to the operator and then have the call rerouted to Miss Sibert.

By the time he gets through to Miss Sibert, a long queue has formed outside the phone box, which Twitten has not noticed yet.

You could also write the last part as "which Twitten has yet to notice" if you'd like to add more variation.

He soon enquires if something has happened.

Indeed, something has happened, something dangerously bad; Crystal’s memoirs is gone.

Miss Sibert says that someone must have stolen it.

*She lives in London, and he lives in Brighton.

She travels to Brighton from London.

So, is it correct to add “down”?

When someone is coming from a place further north to meet someone else in a place further south, it's correct to say down.
However, because your text is written in the third person it feels a little unnatural. Saying "Lets meet down HERE" refers to your specific place here, but in your text we are are just reading about Twitten and are not in his head so it's strange. If it was first person, it could work.
I hope that makes sense. :)

samu

Jan. 28, 2022

It is essential for Twitten to get hold of ithem because it may provide a breakthrough on Crystal’s murder case.

Thanks. So, shouldn't it be "...because they (crystal's memoirs) may.." as well?

samu

Jan. 28, 2022

Twitten believes it could crack open the case.

The same here. Shouldn't it be "they could"?

samu

Jan. 28, 2022

Thanks a lot!

achan

Jan. 28, 2022

Thanks. So, shouldn't it be "...because they (crystal's memoirs) may.." as well?

You are right, good catch! It should be they here and in the following sentence. :)

samu

Jan. 28, 2022

Thanks

A Shot in the Dark - P38