Feb. 23, 2022
A Shot in the Dark - 48
Part no. 48.
This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s taking place as you read it).
Inspector Steine and journalist Harry Jupiter are now walking along the pier. Jupiter leads the way, heading towards the “ghost train” attraction. To go on an tourist attraction doesn’t suit/fit at all the reason the two are walking around Brighton. They were supposed to go over to the site of a crime scene and search for overlooked details. Being already sick to death of this loathsome, egocentric journalist, Steine makes clear that he won’t go on that “blasted train”. Partly because he is also scared of things like that, but he keeps it to himself. In fact, Steine goes on to say that he and Jupiter should really part ways* now. Despite that, Jupiter effortlessly manages to have his way yet again, his charming, collected manners doing the trick. So here they are taking their seats on the train, the dim carriages making it a bit tricky. Steine, of course, is not thoroughly enthusiastic—to say the least. What happens next might well become in future a lecture on the dangerousness of stupid people when put through extremely stressful situations. What with the graphic and sound effects and the dim light, Steine first sinks into a state of deep confusion—unable to tell apart what’s real and what’s not—and then into a state of fear. He gets so frightened to the point Jupiter has to calm him down. Feeling Jupiter’s hand around him, Steine thinks someone is trying to kidnapp him, or rob him. In his desperate, wild attempt to break away from his attacker’s hold, Steine incidentally knocks Jupiter off the train and into the water (the rail run above the water in some points). Steine doesn’t realise what he’s done. Neither does he later take notice, as he walks back along the pier, of the crowd that has gathered on the shore.
*By “part ways” I merely meant that Steine goes back to the police station and Jupiter continues wandering around Brighton.
A Shot in the Dark - 48
This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s taking place as you read it).
Inspector Steine and journalist Harry Jupiter are now walking along the pier.
Jupiter leads the way, heading towards the “ghost train” attraction.
To goGoing on an tourist attraction doesn’'t suit/fit at allreally fit with the reason the two are walking around Brighton.
They were supposed to go over to the site of a crime scene and search for overlooked details.
Being already sick to death of this loathsome, egocentric journalist, Steine makes clear that he won’t go on that “blasted train”.
Partly because he is also scared of things like that, but he keeps ithis to himself.
"it" works, I think, but "this" sounds much better here.
In fact, Steine goes on to say that he and Jupiter should really part ways* now.
Despite that, Jupiter effortlessly manages to have his way yet again, his charming, collected manners doing the trick.
So here they are taking their seats on the train, the dim carriages making it a bit tricky.
Steine, of course, is not thoroughly enthusiastic—to say the least.
What happens next might well become in future a lecture on the dangerousness of stupid people when put through extremely stressful situations.
What with the graphicvisual and sound effects and the dim light, Steine first sinks into a state of deep confusion—unable to tell apart what’s real and what’s not—and then into a state of fear.
Graphic effects makes sense, but visual effects sounds much more natural.
He gets so frightened to the point Jupiter has to calm him down.
Or "he gets so frightened that Jupiter has to"
Feeling Jupiter’s hand around him, Steine thinks someone is trying to kidnapp him, or rob him.
In his desperate, wild attempt to break away from his attacker’s hold, Steine inaccidentally knocks Jupiter off the train and into the water (the rails run above the water in some points).
Or "the rail run_s_" if it's a monorail.
Steine doesn’t realise what he’s done.
Neither does he later take notice, as he walks back along the pier, of the crowd that has gathered on the shore.
More natural: "take note of the crowd" or "notice the crowd".
*By “part ways” I merely meant that Steine goes back to the police station and Jupiter continues wandering around Brighton.
Feb. 23, 2022
Many thanks
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A Shot in the Dark - 48 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Part no. |
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48. |
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This summary was deliberately written in the present tense (analyse it as if it’s taking place as you read it). This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Inspector Steine and journalist Harry Jupiter are now walking along the pier. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Jupiter leads the way, heading towards the “ghost train” attraction. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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To go on an tourist attraction doesn’t suit/fit at all the reason the two are walking around Brighton.
|
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They were supposed to go over to the site of a crime scene and search for overlooked details. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Being already sick to death of this loathsome, egocentric journalist, Steine makes clear that he won’t go on that “blasted train”. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Partly because he is also scared of things like that, but he keeps it to himself. Partly because he is also scared of things like that, but he keeps "it" works, I think, but "this" sounds much better here. |
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In fact, Steine goes on to say that he and Jupiter should really part ways* now. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Despite that, Jupiter effortlessly manages to have his way yet again, his charming, collected manners doing the trick. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
So here they are taking their seats on the train, the dim carriages making it a bit tricky. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Steine, of course, is not thoroughly enthusiastic—to say the least. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
What happens next might well become in future a lecture on the dangerousness of stupid people when put through extremely stressful situations. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
What with the graphic and sound effects and the dim light, Steine first sinks into a state of deep confusion—unable to tell apart what’s real and what’s not—and then into a state of fear. What with the Graphic effects makes sense, but visual effects sounds much more natural. |
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He gets so frightened to the point Jupiter has to calm him down. He gets Or "he gets so frightened that Jupiter has to" |
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Feeling Jupiter’s hand around him, Steine thinks someone is trying to kidnapp him, or rob him. Feeling Jupiter’s hand around him, Steine thinks someone is trying to kidnap |
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In his desperate, wild attempt to break away from his attacker’s hold, Steine incidentally knocks Jupiter off the train and into the water (the rail run above the water in some points). In his desperate, wild attempt to break away from his attacker’s hold, Steine Or "the rail run_s_" if it's a monorail. |
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Steine doesn’t realise what he’s done. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Neither does he later take notice, as he walks back along the pier, of the crowd that has gathered on the shore. Neither does he later take notice, as he walks back along the pier, of the crowd that has gathered on the shore. More natural: "take note of the crowd" or "notice the crowd". |
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*By “part ways” I merely meant that Steine goes back to the police station and Jupiter continues wandering around Brighton. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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