Jan. 18, 2020
A morning in St.Pete
Looking out of the window, I see a yellow fabric of a wall, lit by sunlight, punctured with brown wooden window frames here and there. The sky is unusually unclouded, its arrogant blue tinge contrasting with the yellow of the city beneath. A wafting aroma of tobacco smoke and brewed coffee reaches my nostrils and whets my appetite. I put my shirt on and tramp into the kitchen, yawning, scratching my back, feeling the pleasant coolness of the squeaking wooden floor beneath my feet.
My host greets me with a wave and an affable smile. Murmuring some songs under her breath, D. is busy brewing some coffee. I go to the adjacent bathroom and do my morning routine. Then, I go on to enjoy my morning cup of coffee and a roll-your-own offered by D., a young slender woman approaching her 30s, the wrinkles near the corners of her mouth being the only sign revealing her age. I watch her cobbling together some slapdash breakfast and chat with her about some flotsam and jetsam. As I take drag after drag and sip after sip, I look at her. She wears some baggy pants and loose-fitting shirt. She neglects bras.
It’s been one and a half years since the first time I stayed here. I reflect, somehow aloofly, that nothing seems to have changed, even if only at this place, and this thought strangely reassures me. A brazen huge fluffy ginger cat in need of grooming leaps at my knees, and they bulge under his weight. Named after a French film director, Godard the Cat rams my chest with his heavy head, and leaves his fur all over my shirt, as if touching the base. Here we go again.
My thoughts meander. I take another sip of coffee and feel it going down my throat, leaving a burning bitterness in my mouth. I watch a blueish wisp of cigarette smoke disappear at it reaches the ceiling.
"Are you going to that concert we talked about yesterday?" Asks D.
I, somehow curtly, reply,
"Yes, I am. I think I'll drop in. See you there."
I put out my cigarette and go back to my room to change my clothes. Then, three flights of stairs; then, fifty steps to the iron gates.
I breeze into that city with a strange yet surprisingly overwhelming sense of freedom.
Indeed, it’s been a while.
I am turning twenty-seven tomorrow.
A morning in St. Pete
Looking out of the window, I see athe yellow fabricsurface of a wall, lit by sunlight, and punctuated here and thered with brown wooden window frames here and there.
The sky is unusually uncloudedless, its arrogant blue tinge contrasting with the yellow of the city beneath.
A wafting aroma of tobacco smoke and brewed coffee reaches my nostrils and whets my appetite.
I put my shirt on and tramp into the kitchen,; yawning, scratching my back, feeling the pleasant coolness of the squeaking wooden floor beneath my feet.
Since you have a list that is offset by a comma, that first comma should be a semicolon to separate it from the list of actions.
My host greets me with a wave and an affable smile.
Murmuring some songs under her breath, D.
is busy brewing some coffee.
I go to the adjacent bathroom and do my morning routine.
Then, I go on to enjoy my morning cup of coffee and a roll-your-own offered by D.
, a young slender woman approaching her 30s, the wrinkles near the corners of her mouth being the only sign revealing her age.
This section would be best placed right after D. is first mentioned, not the second time.
I watch her cobbling together some slapdash breakfast and chat with her about some flotsam and jetsamthis and that.
What you wrote isn't incorrect, but it isn't natural phrasing.
As I take drag after drag and sip after sip, I look at her.
She is wearsing some baggy pants and a loose-fitting shirt.
Present progressive tense feels more fitting here.
She neglectshas forgone her bras.
It’s been one and a half years since the first time I stayed here.
I reflect, somehow in an aloofly, way that nothing seems to have changed, even if only at this place, and this thought strangely reassures me.
I changed it to sound a little better to myself, but "aloof" doesn't really feel that natural to me in that context. We would usually use "aloof" to describe someone else's behavior, not their thoughts. It also isn't often used by a person to describe him or herself.
A brazen huge, fluffy, brazen ginger cat in need of grooming leaps at my knees, and they bucklge under his weight.
Named after a French film director, Godard the Cat rams my chest with his heavy head, and leaves his fur all over my shirt, as if touching the baseclaiming his land.
I'm not quite sure what exactly you mean to express with "touching the base" there, so I changed it to something that makes a bit more sense to me.
Here we go again.
My thoughts meander.
I take another sip of coffee and feel it going down my throat, leaving a burning bitterness in my mouth.
I watch a blueish wisp of cigarette smoke disappear ats it reaches the ceiling.
"Are you going to that concert we talked about yesterday?" Aasks D.
I, somehowwhat curtly, reply,
"Yes, I am. I think I'll drop in. See you there."
I put out my cigarette and go back to my room to change my clothes.
Then, three flights of stairs; then, fifty steps to the iron gates.
I breeze into thate city with a strange yet surprisingly overwhelming sense of freedom.
Indeed, it’s been a while.
I am turning twenty-seven tomorrow.
Looking out of the window, I see athe yellow fabricsurface(?) of a wall, lit by sunlight, punctured with brown wooden window frames here and there.
The sky is unusually uncloudedless, its arrogant blue tinge contrasting with the yellow of the city beneath.
A wafting aroma of tobacco smoke and brewed coffee reaches my nostrils and whets my appetite.
I put my shirt on and tramp into the kitchen, yawning, scratching my back, feeling the pleasant coolness of the squeaking wooden floor beneath my feet.
My host greets me with a wave and an affable smile.
Murmuring some songs under her breath, D.
is busy brewing some coffee.
I go to the adjacent bathroom and do my morning routine.
, a young slender young woman approaching her 30s, the wrinkles near the corners of her mouth being the only sign revealing her age.
She wears some baggy pants and a loose-fitting shirt.
She neglects bras.
It’s been one and a half years since the first time I stayed here.
I watch a blueish wisp of cigarette smoke disappear ats it reaches the ceiling.
I, somehowwhat curtly, reply,
"Yes, I am. I think I'll drop in. See you there."
I put out my cigarette and go back to my room to change my clothes.
Then, three flights of stairs; then, fifty steps to the iron gates.
I breeze into that city with a strange yet surprisingly overwhelming sense of freedom.
Indeed, it’s been a while.
I am turning twenty-seven tomorrow.
Jan. 18, 2020
Thanks for your feedback! If you don't mind me asking, what's your overall impression of this vignette?
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Here we go again. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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My thoughts meander. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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A morning in St.Pete A morning in St. Pete |
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Looking out of the window, I see a yellow fabric of a wall, lit by sunlight, punctured with brown wooden window frames here and there. Looking out of the window, I see Looking out of the window, I see |
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The sky is unusually unclouded, its arrogant blue tinge contrasting with the yellow of the city beneath. The sky is unusually The sky is unusually |
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A wafting aroma of tobacco smoke and brewed coffee reaches my nostrils and whets my appetite. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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I put my shirt on and tramp into the kitchen, yawning, scratching my back, feeling the pleasant coolness of the squeaking wooden floor beneath my feet. This sentence has been marked as perfect! I put my shirt on and tramp into the kitchen Since you have a list that is offset by a comma, that first comma should be a semicolon to separate it from the list of actions. |
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My host greets me with a wave and an affable smile. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Murmuring some songs under her breath, D. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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is busy brewing some coffee. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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I go to the adjacent bathroom and do my morning routine. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Then, I go on to enjoy my morning cup of coffee and a roll-your-own offered by D. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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, a young slender woman approaching her 30s, the wrinkles near the corners of her mouth being the only sign revealing her age. , a , a young slender woman approaching her 30s, the wrinkles near the corners of her mouth This section would be best placed right after D. is first mentioned, not the second time. |
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I watch her cobbling together some slapdash breakfast and chat with her about some flotsam and jetsam. I watch her cobbling together some slapdash breakfast and chat with her about What you wrote isn't incorrect, but it isn't natural phrasing. |
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As I take drag after drag and sip after sip, I look at her. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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She wears some baggy pants and loose-fitting shirt. She wears some baggy pants and a loose-fitting shirt. She is wear Present progressive tense feels more fitting here. |
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She neglects bras. This sentence has been marked as perfect! She |
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It’s been one and a half years since the first time I stayed here. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
I reflect, somehow aloofly, that nothing seems to have changed, even if only at this place, and this thought strangely reassures me. I reflect I changed it to sound a little better to myself, but "aloof" doesn't really feel that natural to me in that context. We would usually use "aloof" to describe someone else's behavior, not their thoughts. It also isn't often used by a person to describe him or herself. |
|
A brazen huge fluffy ginger cat in need of grooming leaps at my knees, and they bulge under his weight. A |
|
Named after a French film director, Godard the Cat rams my chest with his heavy head, and leaves his fur all over my shirt, as if touching the base. Named after a French film director, Godard the Cat rams my chest with his heavy head I'm not quite sure what exactly you mean to express with "touching the base" there, so I changed it to something that makes a bit more sense to me. |
|
I take another sip of coffee and feel it going down my throat, leaving a burning bitterness in my mouth. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
I watch a blueish wisp of cigarette smoke disappear at it reaches the ceiling. I watch a blueish wisp of cigarette smoke disappear a I watch a blueish wisp of cigarette smoke disappear a |
|
"Are you going to that concert we talked about yesterday?" Asks D. "Are you going to that concert we talked about yesterday?" |
|
I, somehow curtly, reply, I, some I |
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"Yes, I am. I think I'll drop in. See you there." This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
I put out my cigarette and go back to my room to change my clothes. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Then, three flights of stairs; then, fifty steps to the iron gates. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
I breeze into that city with a strange yet surprisingly overwhelming sense of freedom. This sentence has been marked as perfect! I breeze into th |
|
Indeed, it’s been a while. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
I am turning twenty-seven tomorrow. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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