Sckeptic's avatar
Sckeptic

Sept. 21, 2024

0
A Gentle Dalliance

I got on a minibus and waited departure. A man siting before me stood up and change another seat behind me. Behind me was siting a girl. “I suppose the trip will be more pleaser for you, if I’m near to you”, the man said and take the seat next to the girl. The girl laughed. She always laughed when the man said something. I hadn’t seen at her when she got on the bus, but judging on her voice she is young. I suppose she was a postgraduate student or young teacher and he was some kind of a professor at the same college or university. The man was glib.
“… each woman genetically programmed to change her partner time by time, so I prefer to be infantile, because a woman never leave a child…”, the man talked and the girl laughed again.
It’s a funny idea, by the way. It’s hardly true.

Corrections

A Gentle Dalliance

I got on a minibus and awaited departure.

awaited (more literary/formal)
waited for

A man sitting beforein front of me stood up andto change to another seat behind me.

Behind me was sitingsat a girl.

Or: A girl was sitting behind me.
I don't know why, but the word order in your phrase is weird with the past progressive

“I suppose the trip will be more pleaserant for you, if I’m near to you, the man said and takeook the seat next to the girl.

In English, all punctuation is within the quotation marks or parentheses, and there is no need for a period if there is a ! ? or . inside the quotation marks or parentheses. For example: She asked: "Should I come with you?"

The girl laughed.

She always laughed when the man said something.

I hadn’t seen at her when she gothad gotten on the bus, but judging onby her voice she iswas [maintain past tense throughout] young.

Or: I hadn't seen her get on the bus. This version means you didn't see the action of getting on the bus; the other one emphasizes that you hadn't seen her. Both work here; the difference is subtle.

I suppose she was a postgraduate student or a young teacher and that he was some kind of a professor at the same college or university.

a is optional in "some kind of a professor" With a=more formal
college=university more or less, so pick one to avoid redundancy.

The man was glib.

Glib is a rather rare word. If you choose to use it here, you should change all the get/got/gotten to stronger, more interesting verbs to match the style.

“… each woman is genetically programmed to change her partner from time byto time, so I prefer to be infantile, because a woman would/will never leave a child…”, the man talkesaid and the girl laughed again.

talk cannot include what is being said; said requires that you include what is being said.
He talked loudly about __________ but not He talked loudly "___". He said, "____" but not He said loudly. as its own sentence without the quotation.

It is a funny idea, by the way.

If you're going for a more formal tone (as your other sentences suggest), you should write out all contractions.

It is hardly true.

Perhaps add a transition here? Additionally/Above all/Of course, etc.

Feedback

Excellent work! You have a gift for storytelling and I'd be curious how this continues.

dante1321's avatar
dante1321

Dec. 31, 2024

15

Oh, another option, but this is more informal than "and that he was some kind of a professor": "and he some kind of professor"

dante1321's avatar
dante1321

Dec. 31, 2024

15

You can drop the verb in this case

Sckeptic's avatar
Sckeptic

Dec. 31, 2024

0

Sorry, that was the whole story. There won't be continues.
I liked storytelling and wrote enoguh many stories on another site wich was closed. I have a few ideas for entries, but I can't force myself to write.

dante1321's avatar
dante1321

Jan. 1, 2025

15

I do understand that. Sometimes it's best to leave it up to the reader's imagination.

I got on a minibus and waited for departure.

A man sitting before me stood up and changed to another seat behind me.

I think "sitting in front of me" sounds slightly more natural.

Behind me wasThere was a girl sitting a girlbehind me.

this sounds more natural

“I suppose the trip will be more pleaserant for you, if I’m near to you”, the man said and takeook the seat next to the girl.

or "the man joked"

I hadn’t seen at her when she got on the bus, but judging onby her voice she iwas young.

or "looked at her"

I suppose she was a postgraduate student or young teacher and he was some kind of a professor at the same college or university.

some kind of mistake / some kind of doctor / some kind of textbook - I think there's never an "a" in this structure

“… each woman is genetically programmed to change her partner from time byto time, so I prefer to be infantile, because a woman never leaves a child…”, the man talkesaid and the girl laughed again.

If it's linked to a specific statement, "talked" sounds strange. If you don't want to repeat "said", you could say: claimed/shared. Or more formally: announced/declared/stated.

Feedback

Very good writing. You obviously have a strong understanding of English. Your mistakes were small, and didn't cause any misunderstandings. Good job!

Sckeptic's avatar
Sckeptic

Sept. 21, 2024

0

Thank you, FieldQuartz, for your help, explanations and warm words )

A Gentle DallianceAffair

I got on a minibus and waited for departure.

A man sitting before mein my front stood up and change another seat behind med his seat.

Behind me, a girl was sitting a girl.

“I suppose the trip will be more pleaser for you, if I’m nearant if I’m sitting next to you”, the man said and takeook the seat next to the girl.

You're saying the story in the past tense, the verb should be in the past (took)

The girl laughed.

She always laughed when the man said something.

I hadidn't seen at her when she got on the bus, but judging onby her voice she iwas young.

I suppose she wais a postgraduate student or a young teacher and he was some kind ofis a professor at the same college or university.

You think that's their current occupation, it should be in the present tense.

The man was glibsmooth.

“… each woman is genetically programmed to change her partner time by time, so I prefer to be infantile,mmature because a woman never leaves a child…”, the man talked and the girl laughed again.

You sure the girl laughed 🤨?

It’s a funny idea, by the way.

It’s hardlynot true.

Feedback

Wait, is this a story?

Sckeptic's avatar
Sckeptic

Sept. 21, 2024

0

Thank you, Toluwani!
Do you mean this is fiction? It was this year (in this spring, I think).
Yes, the girl laughed all time. However, it's just my assumption that was an affair. Maybe the man juast wanted to entertain his younger collegue she was an appreciative listener or a bit confused in presence of her older collegue (maybe, her teacher).

Toluwani's avatar
Toluwani

Sept. 21, 2024

0

Okay, I thought it's a fictional story.
You are welcome :)

A Gentle Dalliance


A Gentle DallianceAffair

This sentence has been marked as perfect!

I got on a minibus and waited departure.


I got on a minibus and waited for departure.

I got on a minibus and waited for departure.

I got on a minibus and awaited departure.

awaited (more literary/formal) waited for

A man siting before me stood up and change another seat behind me.


A man sitting before mein my front stood up and change another seat behind med his seat.

A man sitting before me stood up and changed to another seat behind me.

I think "sitting in front of me" sounds slightly more natural.

A man sitting beforein front of me stood up andto change to another seat behind me.

Behind me was siting a girl.


Behind me, a girl was sitting a girl.

Behind me wasThere was a girl sitting a girlbehind me.

this sounds more natural

Behind me was sitingsat a girl.

Or: A girl was sitting behind me. I don't know why, but the word order in your phrase is weird with the past progressive

“I suppose the trip will be more pleaser for you, if I’m near to you”, the man said and take the seat next to the girl.


“I suppose the trip will be more pleaser for you, if I’m nearant if I’m sitting next to you”, the man said and takeook the seat next to the girl.

You're saying the story in the past tense, the verb should be in the past (took)

“I suppose the trip will be more pleaserant for you, if I’m near to you”, the man said and takeook the seat next to the girl.

or "the man joked"

“I suppose the trip will be more pleaserant for you, if I’m near to you, the man said and takeook the seat next to the girl.

In English, all punctuation is within the quotation marks or parentheses, and there is no need for a period if there is a ! ? or . inside the quotation marks or parentheses. For example: She asked: "Should I come with you?"

The girl laughed.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

This sentence has been marked as perfect!

She always laughed when the man said something.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

This sentence has been marked as perfect!

I hadn’t seen at her when she got on the bus, but judging on her voice she is young.


I hadidn't seen at her when she got on the bus, but judging onby her voice she iwas young.

I hadn’t seen at her when she got on the bus, but judging onby her voice she iwas young.

or "looked at her"

I hadn’t seen at her when she gothad gotten on the bus, but judging onby her voice she iswas [maintain past tense throughout] young.

Or: I hadn't seen her get on the bus. This version means you didn't see the action of getting on the bus; the other one emphasizes that you hadn't seen her. Both work here; the difference is subtle.

I suppose she was a postgraduate student or young teacher and he was some kind of a professor at the same college or university.


I suppose she wais a postgraduate student or a young teacher and he was some kind ofis a professor at the same college or university.

You think that's their current occupation, it should be in the present tense.

I suppose she was a postgraduate student or young teacher and he was some kind of a professor at the same college or university.

some kind of mistake / some kind of doctor / some kind of textbook - I think there's never an "a" in this structure

I suppose she was a postgraduate student or a young teacher and that he was some kind of a professor at the same college or university.

a is optional in "some kind of a professor" With a=more formal college=university more or less, so pick one to avoid redundancy.

The man was glib.


The man was glibsmooth.

The man was glib.

Glib is a rather rare word. If you choose to use it here, you should change all the get/got/gotten to stronger, more interesting verbs to match the style.

“… each woman genetically programmed to change her partner time by time, so I prefer to be infantile, because a woman never leave a child…”, the man talked and the girl laughed again.


“… each woman is genetically programmed to change her partner time by time, so I prefer to be infantile,mmature because a woman never leaves a child…”, the man talked and the girl laughed again.

You sure the girl laughed 🤨?

“… each woman is genetically programmed to change her partner from time byto time, so I prefer to be infantile, because a woman never leaves a child…”, the man talkesaid and the girl laughed again.

If it's linked to a specific statement, "talked" sounds strange. If you don't want to repeat "said", you could say: claimed/shared. Or more formally: announced/declared/stated.

“… each woman is genetically programmed to change her partner from time byto time, so I prefer to be infantile, because a woman would/will never leave a child…”, the man talkesaid and the girl laughed again.

talk cannot include what is being said; said requires that you include what is being said. He talked loudly about __________ but not He talked loudly "___". He said, "____" but not He said loudly. as its own sentence without the quotation.

It’s a funny idea, by the way.


This sentence has been marked as perfect!

It is a funny idea, by the way.

If you're going for a more formal tone (as your other sentences suggest), you should write out all contractions.

Hardly it’s true.


It’s hardly true.


It’s hardlynot true.

It is hardly true.

Perhaps add a transition here? Additionally/Above all/Of course, etc.

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