I would be happy if you could help me sound more natural - even if you have to change whole sentences to sound more natural. I would be happy if you could help me sound more natural - even if you have to change whole sentences.

This actually sounds weird but it's hard to describe while "whole sentences" is out of place, it's like たとえ is needed. To keep this phrase.

I would be happyappreciate if you could change whole sentences to sound more natural. Thank you. I would appreciate if you could change whole sentences to sound more natural. Thank you.

Technically, I think the "could" here should be "would" because it's not a question of our capability to do so but willingness... but it's subtle. Sometimes we use "could" in order just to not sound demanding.

It would be happymuch appreciated if you could change whole sentences to make them sound more natural. It would be much appreciated if you could change whole sentences to make them sound more natural.

I would be happyappreciate it if you could change whole sentences toso that they sound more natural. I would appreciate it if you could change whole sentences so that they sound more natural.

Today, I'm going to a day trip that is organized by my townon a trip my town organized. Today I'm going on a trip my town organized.

We don't have to start every sentence with the time context in English. Passive voice is not necessary, either.

Today, I'm going ton a day trip that is organized by my town. Today, I'm going on a day trip organized by my town.

Today, I'm going ton a day trip that is organized by my town. Today, I'm going on a day trip organized by my town.

Today, I'm going ton a day trip that is organized by my town. Today, I'm going on a day trip organized by my town.

I think about 30 people will be join iting us. I think about 30 people will be joining us.

joining a trip sounds wrong for some reason, you can "join in on the adventure" and you can "join a tour group" though.

I think abroutnd 30 people will join itattend. I think around 30 people will attend.

I think about 30 people will join itare coming. I think about 30 people are coming.

I think about 30 people will join it. I think about 30 people will join.

We are supposed toThe itinerary includes visiting a bread factory and, trying to bake some bread, and then, go some shopping. The itinerary includes visiting a bread factory, trying to bake some bread, and then some shopping.

I think the last item should be where "visiting ___ for shopping" instead of just "go shopping" because while the organizers can take you to a bread factory and have you make bread, I don't think they can make you purchase anything so it feels out of place to me here. This also seems like it'd match the Japanese version better ("ショッピングに行く" often translates to "going to <place> for shopping), but whereas in the Japanese version you can omit the <place>, you can't in English.

We are supposedplanning to visit a bread factory andto try toand bake some bread, and then, go shopping afterwards. We are planning to visit a bread factory to try and bake some bread, and then go shopping afterwards.

We are supposed to visit a bread factory and try towhere we'll bake some bread and then, go shopping. We are supposed to visit a bread factory where we'll bake some bread and then go shopping.

Day tTrip Day Trip