Jan. 27, 2021
20210126
Teenage should be a colorful stage of life, but the youths of East Asia have to devote most of their time to preparing for the university entrance exam. The situation appears more severe in Taiwan due to the wrong vision of education. Taiwan’s education system has been criticized for being guided by a form of utilitarianism which neglects individual’s personal traits. To “win at the starting line” is far from just a slogan, it’s the reality of Taiwan’s education. For instance, in order to get high scores, training our students much more skilled in every exam has become the final goal of learning, which is also adapting college curriculums to conditions on the job market as well as stimulating the assorted cram schools to flourish more. When the mindset from direction of utility can prompt students eager to polish their resume only rather than obtaining knowledge must result in the consequence of the entire education environment transforming to be a huge supply chain. The students no longer have to be learners but workers. They are employed to support this educational industry, and studying hard for several hours a day is just a way that they work with their labor. The issue of unequal distribution of academic resources also comes from this process. Although Taiwan has tried to tackle this problem with the new curriculum, everything just still remains to be seen.
202101266.01.21
The teenage years should be a colorfuln enjoyable stage of life, but the youths of East Asia have to devote most of their time to preparing for the university entrance exam.
The situation appears more severe in Taiwan due to the wrong vision of education.
Taiwan’s education system has been criticized for being guided by a form of utilitarianism which neglects individual’s' personal traits.
To “win at the starting line” is far from just a slogan,; it’s the reality of Taiwan’s education.
For instance, in order to get high scores, training our students much more skilled in every exam has become the final goal of learning, which is also adaptingMany believe that the main goal of learning is to train students so that they can receive the highest exam scores possible. This has also caused college curriculums to adapt to conditions on the job market as well as stimulating the assorted cram schools to flourish morend increased the demand for cram schools.
The sentence was a bit long. Try to avoid the passive voice.
When theThis mindset from direction of utility can prompt students eager toto focus on polishing their resume onlys rather than obtainacquiring knowledge must. As a result in the consequence of, the entire education environment transforming to behas been transformed into a huge supply chain.
"Acquire knowledge" is a good collocation to use here.
The students no longer have to be learners but workers.
They are employed to support this educational industry, and studying hard for several hours a day is just a way that they work with theirform of labor.
The issue ofis process also contributes to the unequal distribution of academic resources also comes from this process.
Although Taiwan has tried to tackle this problem with the new curriculum, everything just still remains to be seen.
Feedback
I would try to write as concisely and clearly as possible. I think that English learners sometimes try to make sentences as long and elaborate as possible, but brevity tends to be more effective. Your vocabulary and grammar are great, so I would focus on concision and clarity :)
Feb. 1, 2021
Thanks a lot :)
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20210126 2 |
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Teenage should be a colorful stage of life, but the youths of East Asia have to devote most of their time to preparing for the university entrance exam. The teenage years should be a |
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The situation appears more severe in Taiwan due to the wrong vision of education. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Taiwan’s education system has been criticized for being guided by a form of utilitarianism which neglects individual’s personal traits. Taiwan’s education system has been criticized for being guided by a form of utilitarianism which neglects individual |
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To “win at the starting line” is far from just a slogan, it’s the reality of Taiwan’s education. To “win at the starting line” is far from just a slogan |
|
For instance, in order to get high scores, training our students much more skilled in every exam has become the final goal of learning, which is also adapting college curriculums to conditions on the job market as well as stimulating the assorted cram schools to flourish more.
The sentence was a bit long. Try to avoid the passive voice. |
|
When the mindset from direction of utility can prompt students eager to polish their resume only rather than obtaining knowledge must result in the consequence of the entire education environment transforming to be a huge supply chain.
"Acquire knowledge" is a good collocation to use here. |
|
The students no longer have to be learners but workers. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
They are employed to support this educational industry, and studying hard for several hours a day is just a way that they pay their labor. |
|
The issue of unequal distribution of academic resource also comes from this process. |
|
Although Taiwan has tried to tackle this problem with the new curriculum, everything just still remains to be seen. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The issue of unequal distribution of academic resources also comes from this process. Th |
|
They are employed to support this educational industry, and studying hard for several hours a day is just a way that they work with their labor. They are employed to support this educational industry, and studying hard for several hours a day is just a |
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