May 13, 2020
#1 A mixture of thoughts, tried to be expressed in EN
„When we'll reach the top, they will be dead down there.“
Ringing bells all around me. Every one of them was holding one big bell in their hand. Shaking it up and down. Each bell spew out a ringing noise which wandered down my spine and let me shiver.
A big fire in the middle, surrounded by the members of our holy order. The flame tounges danced with the bell's ringing. The volume was reaching it's peak, getting as loud as the fire was hot.
I was standing in a house which was painted in black and white only. Outside and inside. It looked like an old photograf. Some corners were colored in some dirty yellow. I opened the door and there was a big dog in front of me. Standing on his back feet, looking into my eyes, holding a suitcase in his right pawn.
I often write down what I can't visualize in my mind. More exact: I try to sketch little diagrams, boxes and write lists to visualize with what my my mind can't keep up. Different stuff, starting with shoppinglists, then concepts for new buissnes ideas and then also relationships.
When I found this website I was happy as frick. I was searching for something like this page for a longer period of time.
A mixture of meditation, fragments from old dreams, a weird mixtape and the need to improve my English formed these sentences.
#1 Entry: A mixture of thoughts, I've tried to be expressed in EN
You are the one who is trying to express something.
„"When we'll reach the top, they will be dead down there.“"
Clauses that begin with "when" often use the simple present when talking about the future.
Ringing bells all around me.
Every one of them was holding one biga large bell in their hand and shaking it up and down.
The word "big" is informal. "Large" would be more appropriate for the kind of literary storytelling you're trying to achieve here.
Shaking it up and down.
This should be connected to the previous sentence.
Each bell spewlet out a ringing noise which wandered down my spine and let me shiverthat sent a shiver down my spine.
The word "spew" is generally pejorative (which is what you're trying to achieve here), but it usually refers to words or some kind of toxic substance, not sounds.
Usually, if you use the word "which", it should be preceded by a comma or replaced by "that".
AThere was a big fire in the middle, surrounded by the members of our holy order.
The flame toungues of fire danced with the bell's ringing of the bells.
The volume was reaching it's peak, getting as loud as the fire was hot.
"It's" means "it is". The possessive determiner meaning "belonging to it" is spelled "its".
I was standing in a house which was painted only in black and white only both the outside and inside.
Outside and inside.
I connected this to the previous sentence.
It looked like an old photografph.
Some of the corners were colored in somea dirty yellow color.
I opened the door and there was a big dog in front of me.
This should be connected to the next sentence.
Sstanding on his back feet, looking into my eyes, holding a suitcase in his right pawn.
This is a sentence fragment (a sentence with no subject) and should be connected to the previous sentence.
"Pawn" refers to a piece used in chess.
I often write down what I can't visualize in my mind.
More exactTo be more precise: I try to sketch little diagrams, boxes and write lists to visualize with what myhat my mind can't keep up.
I'm not entirely sure if this is what you were trying to say.
Different stuff, starting withIt's a variety of things, including shopping lists, then concepts for new buissiness ideas, and then also relationships.
When I found this website I was happy as frick.
I washad been searching for somethinga website like this pagone for a longer period of time.
A mixture of meditation, fragments from old dreams, a weird mixtape and the need to improve my English led to me formeding these sentences.
Feedback
Very nice entry!
You paint a vivid picture, and your reflection of how you came to write the entry is intriguing.
In terms of suggestions for improvement, I would say you could read up on sentence fragments, which are sentences without a subject. They can be used in literature or informal writing, but your entry would work better with sentence fragments incorporated into complete sentences.
May 13, 2020
Thanks a lot for these detailed comments! They helped me a lot! Wrote them down in my notebook to remember them again.
Is there a possibility to connect on this website? Would love to hear your thoughts about my next texts. :)
Thanks again!
May 16, 2020
Thanks a lot for these detailed comments! They helped me a lot! Wrote them down in my notebook to remember them again. Is there a possibility to connect on this website? Would love to hear your thoughts about my next texts. :) Thanks again!
I'm glad you found my feedback helpful!
One way to stay in touch would be to add each other as a friend, if you like.
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Outside and inside.
I connected this to the previous sentence. |
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It looked like an old photograf. It looked like an old photogra |
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Some corners were colored in some dirty yellow. Some of the corners were |
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I opened the door and there was a big dog in front of me. I opened the door and there was a big dog in front of me This should be connected to the next sentence. |
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Standing on his back feet, looking into my eyes, holding a suitcase in his right pawn.
This is a sentence fragment (a sentence with no subject) and should be connected to the previous sentence. "Pawn" refers to a piece used in chess. |
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I often write down what I can't visualize in my mind. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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#1 Entry: A mixture of thoughts, tried to be expressed in EN #1 Entry: A mixture of thoughts You are the one who is trying to express something. |
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„When we'll reach the top, they will be dead down there.“
Clauses that begin with "when" often use the simple present when talking about the future. |
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Ringing bells all around me. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Every one of them was holding one big bell in their hand. Every one of them was holding The word "big" is informal. "Large" would be more appropriate for the kind of literary storytelling you're trying to achieve here. |
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Shaking it up and down.
This should be connected to the previous sentence. |
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Each bell spew out a ringing noise which wandered down my spine and let me shiver. Each bell The word "spew" is generally pejorative (which is what you're trying to achieve here), but it usually refers to words or some kind of toxic substance, not sounds. Usually, if you use the word "which", it should be preceded by a comma or replaced by "that". |
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A big fire in the middle, surrounded by the members of our holy order.
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The flame tounges danced with the bell's ringing. The |
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The volume was reaching it's peak, getting as loud as the fire was hot. The volume was reaching it "It's" means "it is". The possessive determiner meaning "belonging to it" is spelled "its". |
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I was standing in a house which was painted in black and white only. I was standing in a house |
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More exact: I try to sketch little diagrams, boxes and write lists to visualize with what my my mind can't keep up.
I'm not entirely sure if this is what you were trying to say. |
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Different stuff, starting with shoppinglists, then concepts for new buissnes ideas and then also relationships.
|
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When I found this website I was happy as frick. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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I was searching for something like this page for a longer period of time. I |
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A mixture of meditation, fragments from old dreams, a weird mixtape and the need to improve my English formed these sentences. A mixture of meditation, fragments from old dreams, a weird mixtape and the need to improve my English led to me form |
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#1 A mixture of thoughts, tried to be expressed in EN |
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