Go back to journals

When I was Dying

ponta 0 · July 24

Target Language - English

When I was seven or eight years old, I stayed at home alone. I ate a piece of sticky candy like gum, and I choked on it. I coughed intensely but it didn't come off. I writhed with agony being suffocated for a while, and then I could spit it out by chance. It was the worst moment when I expected to die.


Sign in to make corrections or write comments.

Correction 1 / 1
whimstories 0 July 25, 2021
When I was Dying

When I wWas Dying

  • Correction Type:
  • Stylistic
"was" is a verb, so it is capitalized in a title.
When I was seven or eight years old, I stayed at home alone.
I ate a piece of sticky candy like gum, and I choked on it.

I ate a piece of sticky candy, like gum, and I choked on it.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
  • Stylistic
Or: "I ate a pice of sticky candy-like-gum, and I choked on it." Or: "I ate a piece of sticky gum-like candy, and I choked on it."

The first correction makes "gum" an example, but the candy isn't exactly gum.

The second correction is describing the candy as being very similar to gum.
I coughed intensely but it didn't come off.

I coughed intensely but it didn't come offut.

  • Correction Type:
  • Usage
"Off" is used for external surfaces, like getting off a table, wiping something off the skin, or getting off a ride.

"Out" is for internal, such as getting out of a car, going out of the house, or taking out keys from a bag.
I writhed with agony being suffocated for a while, and then I could spit it out by chance.

I writhed within agony beingas I suffocated for a while, and then until I could spit it out by chance.

  • Correction Type:
  • Usage
  • Stylistic
Or: "For a while, I writhed in agony as I suffocated until, by chance, I spit it out."

The sentence makes sense, and it is grammatically correct but it sounds awkward because of the placement of "for a while" and "by chance".
It was the worst moment when I expected to die.

It was the worst moment whenbecause I expected to die.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
  • Usage
"When" is not proper in this context because we already know the time. If this sentence was at the beginning, it would be okay. "Because" emphasizes the event and describes why it is "the worst moment".

Overall feedback & comment:

Great job! I hope someone can explain my corrections in better detail. Keep up the good work :)
Comment added on 07/25/2021