kyoko's avatar
kyoko

Feb. 23, 2020

0
What I Get Through My Experience

I don’t want to do anything.
I want nothing.
I just want to become like sand and want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world.

Have you ever thought this way?
I have.
These thoughts had controlled my mind for over half a year.

Thanks to my supportive family, I’m getting through it.
Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffs that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back myself.

Now I tend to be happy so easily because of my hard experience.
Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, funny story with my son.
These small things are so bright and lovely to me.
Still there are not good days in our lives, but I’ll keep on noticing good sides. :)


【経験から得たもの】
何もしたくない。
何も欲しくない。
ただ砂のようなものになって、風に吹かれてこの世から消えてしまいたい。

あなたはそんなふうに思ったことがありますか。
私はあります。
これらの考えは半年以上、私を支配しました。

家族の支えのおかげで、今はそれを乗り越えつつあります。
今日、私は欲しかったものを買いに母と買い物に出かけました。そして、自分自身を取り戻しつつあることに気づいたのです。

厳しいことを体験したために、今私はすぐに幸せを感じるようになりました。
美味しい食べ物、テレビの可愛い動物、晴れの日、息子との面白い話。
これらの小さなことが、私にとってはとても鮮やかで素敵なのです。

私たちの人生には良くない日もありますよね。
それでも私は良い面を見つけていこうと思います。

Corrections

What I Get ThroughLearned from My Experience

Saying "get through" sounds like the experience (having those thoughts for over half a year) is ongoing. Saying "got from" or "learned from" makes it clear that the experience was in the past, and you are talking about how it affects you today.
This title is good, but we can maybe improve it by being more specific than experience. A good title explains to the reader what the 作文 is about, but using "experience" doesn't really do that because "experience" can describe basically anything you did. I don't want to speak for you, so I wasn't sure what to change it to, but that is just my suggestion.

I don’t want to do anything.

I doidn’t want to do anything.

I want nothing.

I wanted nothing.

I just want to become like sand and want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world.

Have you ever thought this way?

I have.

These thoughts had controlled my mind for over half a year.

I'm finding it hard to explain why, but I don't think I would say "had controlled" here. To me, that sounds like you are explaining something rather than stating a specific fact. Maybe check with someone who knows grammar better, but I think either sounds fine to a native speaker.

Thanks to my supportive family, I’m getting through it.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffthings that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back myself.

"stuffs" sounds a little awkward here. The best replacement for a word like 事 is probably "things," but I would probably be more specific (like saying "clothes" or "shoes") or, if you don't want to say what it was, just say "shopping with my mother, and." In other words, the phrase "some things that I'd wanted" says so little that you can just leave it out if you don't want to be more detailed.

Now, I tend to become happy sovery easily because of my hard experiencestruggles in the past.

Become = なる. I think this is better because it emphasizes that something changed your ー気 to happiness from something else.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, and funny storyies with my son—these small things in life feel so bright and lovely to me.

There are two ways to fix "funny story," and it looks like someone has suggested each of them. The problem is that "funny story" is singular which means that it needs the article "a" before it. However, because all the other items are plural, I suggest we make "funny story" plural by changing it to "funny stories" instead. This makes all the items in the list plural, which is called "parallel structure" and tends to make writing sound stronger.
The other thing is that this isn't a complete sentence, because it is just a list of nouns. There is no verb. There are many ways to fix this, but in this case, I suggest joining it to the next sentence with a dash like this,

I think "feel" or "seem" sounds better to emphasize the emotional connection they have to you. But there is nothing at all wrong with what you had either!

These small things are so bright and lovely to me.

Still, there are not good days in our lives, but I’ll keep on noticing goodwill be difficult days in life, but I’ll keep on looking on the bright sides.

I think the word difficult fits best here, although it is maybe a little closer in meaning to 大変 then 良くない. In general, it seems like using the negative form of adjectives is not as common in English. A more literal translation would be "unpleasant days."
"will be" is better because it emphasizes that we are talking about the future here.
"Bright" literally means 明朗, but we usually use it in this expression instead of "good." Another word you could try is "silver lining," which means the good that comes with something bad.
There's nothing wrong with saying "noticed," but it just feels a little weird to me. It just sounds like the bright side is hidden and you happen to come across it, whereas "looking on" is more commonly used with this phrase and emphasizes that you are making an effort to seek out positive, pleasant experiences in life and keep them in mind.

Feedback

その作文は非常に涙ぐましくて上手に書かれていて美しいと思ういますよ!きょうこ様は本当に尊い人です、とても優しくて他人をいつも考えているのです。ご両親や子息さんや無数の他人がきょうこ様にきっと仰いでいるてっきりでしょうよ!人生はよく大変だと分かります、でもいつも頑張って下さい!人生の毎日は、各自が他人に手伝いたりきれい物を味わいたり生えたりより良い人とになたり学びたり遊びたりするのが出来ます。一方、分からないたって日々に生きるのだけでこの世界をより美しい場所にします。それから、んなの人生は最高に特別で美しいだとぜんぜん忘れないで下さい!体験談を出したのがどうもありがとうございました。きょこ様はたくさん良い日に願いますよ!

One suggestion I have is to put your first three sentences in quotations marks to make clear that they are thoughts, not statements of fact that you feel right now. The fourth sentence makes this clear, but you reader might be a little worried about you until they get to that sentence!

I hope my Japanese above is OK, it took me several hours with the dictionary to write it! Let me know if there is anything wrong.

kyoko's avatar
kyoko

Feb. 25, 2020

0

Thank you so much for the correction and your detailed supplements!
Also, I’m really moved by your message.
I don’t know what to say... I’m just happy that there are people who think that way like you!
Don’t worry, I got what you want to say, and your each words gives me energy!😊✨
I’m also appreciate that you took several hours to write it in Japanese for me.🙏🏻
本当にありがとうございます✨
Aidanさん、私もあなたの幸せを願っています😊✨

What I GetHave Learned Through My Experience

"I don’t want to do anything."

"I want nothing."

"I just want to become like sand and want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world."

Basically what Aidan said, just applied.

Have you ever thought this way?

I have.

Thanks to my supportive family, I’m getting through it.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffthings that I'd wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back to myself.¶
or ¶
Today, I went shopping with my mother, and I noticed I was getting back to
myself.

I agree with Aidan here. I think that without providing a specific item, it sounds most natural to just say "I went shopping with my mother"
Also, I noticed you said: "I noticed I was getting back myself"
People often say, "I was getting back "to" myself"
But reading the native text I think to better get across what you mean you could say:
"I was regaining(or getting back) who I used to be"
I know you mean something along those lines, so many someone can help you get it across better.


Now, I tend to become happy sovery easily because of my hard experience.the struggles of my past

I'm just building upon Aidan's correction, which is already great.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, and funny(or silly) storyies with my son-these small things are so bright and lovely to me.

"Silly stories" sounds a it more natural than "funny stories" to me. Possibly because "silly" is a word often used when speaking of children or in regard to children.

These small things are so bright and lovely to me.

StWhille there are not goodstill difficult days within our lives, but I’I'll keep on noticing good sideappreciating the positive aspects.

I think Aidan's correction was already perfect and very detailed here. But just so as to give more examples of ways you could say this I've given an okay example.

One thing though, it seems notice in this sentence is used similar to "appreciate", so does "appreciate" still work with what you meant?

kyoko's avatar
kyoko

Feb. 25, 2020

0

StWhille there are not goodstill difficult days within our lives, but I’I'll keep on noticing good sideappreciating the positive aspects.

I think Aidan's correction was already perfect and very detailed here. But just so as to give more examples of ways you could say this I've given an okay example.

One thing though, it seems notice in this sentence is used similar to "appreciate", so does "appreciate" still work with what you meant?

Oh, I agree with you!
“appreciate” would be an almost perfect word to express my thoughts.

kyoko's avatar
kyoko

Feb. 25, 2020

0

Thank you for the correction, and also your supplements made really sense to me.😊

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffs that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was gretturning back myto my old self.

Now I tend to be happy so easileasily become happy because of my hard experience.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, funny story with my son...these small things are so bright and lovely to me.

In my experience lists are usually not their own sentences in English.

Still there are not good days in our lives that aren't good, but I’ll keep on noticing the good sides.

Feedback

よくできていた。頑張って。

kyoko's avatar
kyoko

Feb. 24, 2020

0

ありがとうございます😊✨

I just want to become like sand and I want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world.

These thoughts hadve controlled my mind for over half a year.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffs that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back myself back.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, a funny story with my son.

kyoko's avatar
kyoko

Feb. 23, 2020

0

Thank you for the correction!

What I Get Through My Experience

What I Get ThroughLearned from My Experience

What I GetHave Learned Through My Experience

I don’t want to do anything.

I doidn’t want to do anything.

"I don’t want to do anything."

I want nothing.

I wanted nothing.

"I want nothing."

I just want to become like sand and want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world.

I just want to become like sand and I want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world.

"I just want to become like sand and want to be blown away by the wind to disappear from this world."

Have you ever thought this way?

I have.

These thoughts had controlled my mind for over half a year.

These thoughts hadve controlled my mind for over half a year.

These thoughts had controlled my mind for over half a year.

Thanks to my supportive family, I’m getting through it.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffs that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back myself.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffs that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back myself back.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffs that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was gretturning back myto my old self.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffthings that I’d wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back myself.

Today, I went shopping with my mother to get some stuffthings that I'd wanted, and I noticed that I was getting back to myself.¶
or ¶
Today, I went shopping with my mother, and I noticed I was getting back to
myself.

Now I tend to be happy so easily because of my hard experience.

Now I tend to be happy so easileasily become happy because of my hard experience.

Now, I tend to become happy sovery easily because of my hard experiencestruggles in the past.

Now, I tend to become happy sovery easily because of my hard experience.the struggles of my past

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, funny story with my son.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, a funny story with my son.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, funny story with my son...these small things are so bright and lovely to me.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, and funny storyies with my son—these small things in life feel so bright and lovely to me.

Delicious food, cute animals on TV, sunny days, and funny(or silly) storyies with my son-these small things are so bright and lovely to me.

These small things are so bright and lovely to me.

These small things are so bright and lovely to me.

These small things are so bright and lovely to me.

Still there are not good days in our lives, but I’ll keep on noticing good sides.

Still there are not good days in our lives that aren't good, but I’ll keep on noticing the good sides.

Still, there are not good days in our lives, but I’ll keep on noticing goodwill be difficult days in life, but I’ll keep on looking on the bright sides.

StWhille there are not goodstill difficult days within our lives, but I’I'll keep on noticing good sideappreciating the positive aspects.

:)

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