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Korossol Into The Ring 19

Korossol 0 · April 19

Prompt: "Write a short story using five new words you've learned recently. It doesn't have to be long at all! Even just three sentences like "Ron went to the store. He bought milk, eggs, and bread. He drove home." is totally fine!" by Jacque. Like this prompt? Write your own response here.

Target Language - English

It's not by choice that Emily went to Hogwarts. God, no.
She wasn't exactly an orphan. She had a mother. Somewhere. She was sure of it because Miz Thompson kept on feeding her, and Miz Thompson didn't waste food on freeloaders. So someone had to pay for Emily. Every month. The dreaded "Your mothers' late" only was used on her three times in all her existence and one of those time, the post office had messed up. "Your parent's late" was a terrifying sentence for all of the girls of Miz Thompson unofficial Girls Home. At first she took a child or two from busy parents, then she had an all year open house and finally almost an orphanage.
Except all of her customers were paying ones. People whose parents kept being late sometimes disappeared from the house. "I don't have the space" grumbled Miz Tompson before starting dinner.
Miz Thompson was a middle aged black woman with a permanently grumpy look. She had a swift hand and never lacked words to castigate a child. She wasn't afraid to yell, either! No one could bully Miz Thompson. Older girls sometimes tried to, with heavy make up and fags in hand like some sort of independance flag but they soon learned that Miz Thompson has known of their mothers and their mothers' mothers and wasn't afaid of anything. Those girls could soon been found peeling potaoes with a clean face and red eyes.
Emily wasn't so stupid. She knew what they were, all those girls in Miz Thompson's house. People like them couldn't afford independance. For them, "freedom" was "freedom to die hungry in the snow", for they were the lowest of lowest. They were poor.


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Correction 1 / 1
oceandrive76 6 April 25, 2021
Korossol Into The Ring 19

Korossol Into Tthe Ring 19

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
"The" isn't typically capitalized in titles unless it comes as the first word in the sentence.
It's not by choice that Emily went to Hogwarts.
God, no.

God, no.

  • Correction Type:
  • Stylistic
This sounds a little odd but it's not wrong.
She wasn't exactly an orphan.
She had a mother.
Somewhere.
She was sure of it because Miz Thompson kept on feeding her, and Miz Thompson didn't waste food on freeloaders.
So someone had to pay for Emily.

So someone had to pay be paying for Emily every month.

  • Correction Type:
  • Usage
The following sentence really should go with this one.
Every month.

Every month.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
The dreaded "Your mothers' late" only was used on her three times in all her existence and one of those time, the post office had messed up.

The dreaded "Your mothers's late" only was used on her three times in all her existence, and one of those time,s the post office had messed up.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
  • Usage
"Your parent's late" was a terrifying sentence for all of the girls of Miz Thompson unofficial Girls Home.

"Your parent's late" was a terrifying sentence for all of the girls ofin Miz Thompson's unofficial "Girls' Home".

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
  • Usage
At first she took a child or two from busy parents, then she had an all year open house and finally almost an orphanage.

At first she tookhad taken a child or two from busy parents, then she had an all year open the house and finallyll year, and finally ran what was almost an orphanage.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
  • Usage
  • Stylistic
Except all of her customers were paying ones.

Except all of her customers were paying ones.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
People whose parents kept being late sometimes disappeared from the house.
"I don't have the space" grumbled Miz Tompson before starting dinner.

"I don't have the space," grumbled Miz Tompson before starting dinner.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
Miz Thompson was a middle aged black woman with a permanently grumpy look.

Miz Thompson was a middle aged black woman with a permanently grumpy look.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
She had a swift hand and never lacked words to castigate a child.

She had a swift hand and never lacked words to castigatereprimand a child.

  • Correction Type:
  • Usage
She wasn't afraid to yell, either!

She wasn't afraid to yell, either!

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
No one could bully Miz Thompson.
Older girls sometimes tried to, with heavy make up and fags in hand like some sort of independance flag but they soon learned that Miz Thompson has known of their mothers and their mothers' mothers and wasn't afaid of anything.

Older girls sometimes tried to, with heavy make -up and fagcigarettes in hand like some sort of independaence flag, but they soon learned that Miz Thompson hasd knownew of their mothers, and their mothers' mothers, and wasn't afraid of anything.

  • Correction Type:
  • Spelling
  • Grammar
  • Usage
"Fag" is an offensive term, so it's better to go with "cigarette".
Those girls could soon been found peeling potaoes with a clean face and red eyes.
Emily wasn't so stupid.
She knew what they were, all those girls in Miz Thompson's house.
People like them couldn't afford independance.

People like them couldn't afford independaence.

  • Correction Type:
  • Spelling
For them, "freedom" was "freedom to die hungry in the snow", for they were the lowest of lowest.

For them, "freedom" was "the freedom to die hungry in the snow", for they were the lowest of lowest.

  • Correction Type:
  • Grammar
  • Usage
They were poor.

Overall feedback & comment:

Great Job! Just a few corrections!
Comment added on 04/25/2021