April 10, 2021
Korossol Into The Ring 10
Everyday I wake around 6 o'clock. I don't like it because I'm not a morning person but the sunlight gets to me every time. The birds also chirp VERY loudly under my window. I can't win. So, after trying again to stay in bed five minutes more, I get up and begin my day. First, though: Is there water today? The distribution system is reworked, it works only every three days.
I wash up, put confortable clothes on and sweep the whole flat. Since three years ago, SANDS OF THE SAHARA appears on my balcony every day. And thank you for asking, but NO, I don't live anywhere near Africa.
Life is weird.
Once the Sahara sweeped from my floor (I'm pretty sure I saw that movie long ago, actually), I put the kettle on while I turn on my computer. I then sit with my first mug, ready to go. I write first. Creatively, I mean. I discovered long ago that for one I needed to write daily to be happy and also that those first minutes of morning, when I'm not really awake are very good for creativity. As if my inner critic wasn't yet there. 1400 words later, I'm totally awake and hungry. I get up, work the kettle and the toaster up and sit down with my breakfast. If I'm lucky, I remember to thaw my future lunch.
I work. I'm a translator, so I stay on my computer until I'm too tired. I eat, nap and go back to my work until the evening. Then I stop and relax. Watch Youtube and netflix, read books and fanfictions, play games.
Sometimes I go to the beach when the water's not too cold.
Korossol Into The Ring 10
Everyday I wake up around 6 o'clock.
I don't like it because I'm not a morning person but the sunlight gets to me every time.
The birds also chirp VERY loudly under my window.
I can't win.
So, after trying again to stay in bed five minutes more, I get up and begin my day.
First, though: Is there water today?
The distribution system ishas been reworked,; it works only every three days.
Or "...has been reworked, and now it works only..."
I wash up, put conmfortable clothes on and sweep the whole flat.
What you wrote is fine, or you could say "put on comfortable clothes"
Sincetarting three years ago, SANDS OF THE SAHARA appears on my balcony every day.
Or "For the last three years"
I don't know what "SANDS OF THE SAHARA" means. It looks like a movie title because it is capitalized.
If you mean that actual sand from the Sahara desert appears on your balcony, I think you should not capitalize it--the capitalization made me confused.
And thank you for asking, but NO, I don't live anywhere near Africa.
Life is weird.
Once the Sahara is sweepedt from my floor (I'm pretty sure I saw that movie long ago, actually), I put the kettle on while I turn on my computer.
Now I think you are talking about actual sand from a beach or desert, right?
I think it would be easier to understand this if you wrote "Once the sand is swept from my floor", but of course that doesn't have the poetic impact of your ... hyperbole, or hypocatastasis, or whatever exactly your use of "Sahara" here is. It sounds nice, but is just a bit hard to follow at first.
I then sit with my first mug, ready to go.
I write first.
Creatively, I mean.
I discovered long ago that for one I needed to write daily to be happy and also that those first minutes of the morning, when I'm not really awake, are very good for creativity.
I don't understand the "for one" -- one what?
The "when I'm not very awake" needs to be offset by commas on both sides if it is parenthetical, or else not offset on either side if it is not parenthetical. That is, it shouldn't have a comma on only one side.
As if my inner critic wasn't yet there.
1400 words later, I'm totally awake and hungry.
I get up, work the kettle and make use of the toaster up, and sit down with my breakfast.
If I'm lucky, I remember to thaw my future lunch.
I work.
I'm a translator, so I stay on my computer until I'm too tired.
I eat, nap, and go back to my work until the evening.
Then I stop and relax.
WI watch Youtube and netflix, read books and fanfictions, and play games.
Sometimes I go to the beach when the water's not too cold.
Feedback
You used some sentence fragments in an oral style. I left most of them alone, except I fixed the ones at the bottom, because I think you probably did that deliberately--used sentence fragments in an informal oral style, for the informal effect.
April 23, 2021
Thank you! Yes, I tend to use oral style. It's actually a problem. Thanks for helping.
"Sand of the Sahara" I'm living in the Caribbean and lately, winds are carrying sand from Africa. I know, it's insane. Hence my capitalization, because SAND OF THE SAHARA SOULDN'T BE ON MY FLOOR!
April 28, 2021
Ah, ok, yes that makes sense, and the use of capitalization for intensity makes sense.
By the way "sand of the Sahara" sounds unnatural. I would say "sand from the Sahara", or the more poetic sounding phrasing (that you did actually use), "sands of the Sahara".
If you want to aim for a more formal, written style, then you should avoid sentence fragments, I think.
For example, this "As if my inner critic wasn't yet there." needs some clause before or after it in the same sentence, to complete the "as if" logic. I mean to say, in the normal style of formal writing, the clause that fulfils the "as if" needs to be in the same sentence with it.
Also, of course, this fragment "Creatively, I mean." lacks a verb altogether, so in formal writing, that should either have a verb, or be moved into the preceding sentence.
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1400 words later, I'm totally awake and hungry. |
|
Korossol Into The Ring 10 |
|
Everyday I wake around 6 o'clock. Everyday I wake up around 6 o'clock. |
|
I don't like it because I'm not a morning person but the sunlight gets to me every time. |
|
The birds also chirp VERY loudly under my window. |
|
I can't win. |
|
So, after trying again to stay in bed five minutes more, I get up and begin my day. |
|
First, though: Is there water today? |
|
The distribution system is reworked, it works only every three days. The distribution system Or "...has been reworked, and now it works only..."
|
|
I wash up, put confortable clothes on and sweep the whole flat. I wash up, put co What you wrote is fine, or you could say "put on comfortable clothes"
|
|
Since three years ago, SANDS OF THE SAHARA appears on my balcony every day. S Or "For the last three years"
I don't know what "SANDS OF THE SAHARA" means. It looks like a movie title because it is capitalized. If you mean that actual sand from the Sahara desert appears on your balcony, I think you should not capitalize it--the capitalization made me confused. |
|
And thank you for asking, but NO, I don't live anywhere near Africa. |
|
Life is weird. |
|
Once the Sahara sweeped from my floor (I'm pretty sure I saw that movie long ago, actually), I put the kettle on while I turn on my computer. Once the Sahara is swe Now I think you are talking about actual sand from a beach or desert, right?
I think it would be easier to understand this if you wrote "Once the sand is swept from my floor", but of course that doesn't have the poetic impact of your ... hyperbole, or hypocatastasis, or whatever exactly your use of "Sahara" here is. It sounds nice, but is just a bit hard to follow at first. |
|
I then sit with my first mug, ready to go. |
|
I write first. |
|
Creatively, I mean. |
|
I discovered long ago that for one I needed to write daily to be happy and also that those first minutes of morning, when I'm not really awake are very good for creativity. I discovered long ago that I don't understand the "for one" -- one what?
The "when I'm not very awake" needs to be offset by commas on both sides if it is parenthetical, or else not offset on either side if it is not parenthetical. That is, it shouldn't have a comma on only one side. |
|
As if my inner critic wasn't yet there. |
|
I get up, work the kettle and the toaster up and sit down with my breakfast. I get up, work the kettle and make use of the toaster |
|
If I'm lucky, I remember to thaw my future lunch. |
|
I work. |
|
I'm a translator, so I stay on my computer until I'm too tired. |
|
I eat, nap and go back to my work until the evening. I eat, nap, and go back to my work until the evening. |
|
Then I stop and relax. |
|
Watch Youtube and netflix, read books and fanfictions, play games.
|
|
Sometimes I go to the beach when the water's not too cold. |
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