Aug 28

English

1 min read

Capture cicadas

As a countryside kid, I had a lot of fun when I was young. An interesting thing I still remember now is capturing cicadas. There are three methods we used the most to capture cicadas. Let me show you guys briefly. One way was finding a horse’s ponytail and wound it to a flexible knot, then fixed it to the end of a bamboo pole, then you could tie cicadas everywhere. The other way was to find a used washing powder plastic bag and a thin piece of wire. Then wound the wire into a ring and used it to support the opening of the plastic bag. The next thing was to fix this assembly at the end of a bamboo pole, so you could use it to cover cicadas. The third way was to find some wheat flour and water, then mix them together and keep stirring until it became a sticky gluten. Then you put the gluten on the tip end of a bamboo pole, and then you could use it to stick cicadas. But remember, you should only stick to their wings. So when you saw a kid with a red belly in the summer in the countryside, that was because when he climbing trees to caught cicadas, the bark grazed his belly.

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kresmii 0.79

As a country~~side~~ kid, I had a lot of fun when I was young.

There are three methods we used the most to capture cicadas.

One way was finding a horse’s ~~ponyt~~hailr and wouind it into a flexible knot, then fixeding it to the end of a bamboo pole, then you could ~~tie~~catch cicadas everywhere.

"Ponytail" refers to a hairstyle, not actual horse hair.

The other way was to find a used washing powder plastic bag and a thin piece of wire.

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Author

J
Jack

0.58

Aug. 28, 2020, 10:35 p.m.

谢谢你帮我修改！

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heavensblade13 Exempt

As a countryside kid, I had a lot of fun when I was young.

An interesting thing I still remember ~~now~~ is capturing cicadas.

Using "now" is redundant because you already said you "still remember" it.

There are three methods we used the most to capture cicadas.

Let me ~~show~~tell you guys briefly.

The verb "show" is okay here, but in writing I think a verb like "tell" makes more sense because you are not literally showing us these methods. Usually "show" has a more physical connotation.

One way was finding a horse’s ponytail ~~and wound~~, winding it to a flexible knot, ~~then~~and fixeding it to the end of a bamboo pole~~, t~~. Then you could tie cicadas everywhere.

In English when performing a series of actions like this they should be separated by commas and have the same verb endings, like I changed to "ing". This is called parallel structure. Your writing makes sense but this way it is more clear and flows better.

The other way ~~was to fin~~required a used washing powder plastic bag and a thin piece of wire.

This sentence does not really describe the entire method, just what you need for it so something like "required" is better than "was to find" to show this distinction.

The~~n wound the wire~~ wire was wound into a ring and used it to support the opening of the plastic bag.

The next ~~thing~~step was to fix this assembly at the end of a bamboo pole, so you could use it to cover cicadas.

Alternatively you could use "thing to do" instead of "thing," but I think "step" is more succinct. Essentially "thing" on its own here is not clear enough to show you are talking about an action.

The third way was to find some wheat flour and water, ~~then~~ mix them together, and keep stirring until it became a sticky gluten.

First, "then" is not needed because the comma is enough to show it is a successive action. Second, "a" doesn't really work with gluten because it is an uncountable noun. The a does not have to be removed it just sounds a little off.

Then you put the gluten on the tip ~~end~~ of a bamboo pole, and then you could ~~use it to stick~~stick the pole to cicadas.

Using "tip" and "end" is somewhat redundant because they both refer to the same place.

I think what you're trying to do is put the pole onto the cicada so it cannot escape. However, the verb "stick" in English usually means to pierce a thing with something pointed ("stick my finger with a needle"). So the meaning of this sentence would be like stabbing the cicada. The way I rewrote it makes it clear the pole is sticking TO the cicada rather than sticking it.

But remember, you should only stick the pole to their wings.

Without adding "the pole" the sentence is saying that the subject "you" should stick to the cicada wings and I don't think you mean that the person should be sticking themselves to the cicadas.

So when you saw a kid with a red belly in the summer ~~in the countryside~~, that was because when he climbing trees to ca~~ught~~tch cicadas, the bark grazed his belly.

You probably do not need to repeat "in the countryside" again because earlier in your writing you said "as a countryside kid" so it is implied all this takes place in the countryside.

Overall feedback & comment

Great job! I could get the meaning from your writing and it was pretty well written. Most of my corrections are about minor things. Overall I think you could benefit from learning more words for sequences that can be used in place of "then" to increase the word variety. (Examples are "next," "afterwards," and "to begin with"). Let me know if you have any questions.

1 replies

Author

J
Jack

0.58

Aug. 28, 2020, 10:32 p.m.

谢谢你的修改，我全部看懂了！

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fabledlamb 0.7

Overall feedback & comment

I won’t make any corrections because the other readers covered everything, but I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading these stories about your childhood :)

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Showing corrections grouped by sentence

As a countryside kid, I had a lot of fun when I was young.

As a country~~side~~ kid, I had a lot of fun when I was young.

An interesting thing I still remember now is capturing cicadas.

An interesting thing I still remember ~~now~~ is capturing cicadas.

Using "now" is redundant because you already said you "still remember" it.

There are three methods we used the most to capture cicadas.

Let me show you guys briefly.

Let me ~~show~~tell you guys briefly.

The verb "show" is okay here, but in writing I think a verb like "tell" makes more sense because you are not literally showing us these methods. Usually "show" has a more physical connotation.

One way was finding a horse’s ponytail and wound it to a flexible knot, then fixed it to the end of a bamboo pole, then you could tie cicadas everywhere.

One way was finding a horse’s ponytail ~~and wound~~, winding it to a flexible knot, ~~then~~and fixeding it to the end of a bamboo pole~~, t~~. Then you could tie cicadas everywhere.

One way was finding a horse’s ~~ponyt~~hailr and wouind it into a flexible knot, then fixeding it to the end of a bamboo pole, then you could ~~tie~~catch cicadas everywhere.

"Ponytail" refers to a hairstyle, not actual horse hair.

The other way was to find a used washing powder plastic bag and a thin piece of wire.

The other way ~~was to fin~~required a used washing powder plastic bag and a thin piece of wire.

This sentence does not really describe the entire method, just what you need for it so something like "required" is better than "was to find" to show this distinction.

Then wound the wire into a ring and used it to support the opening of the plastic bag.

The~~n wound the wire~~ wire was wound into a ring and used it to support the opening of the plastic bag.

The next thing was to fix this assembly at the end of a bamboo pole, so you could use it to cover cicadas.

The next ~~thing~~step was to fix this assembly at the end of a bamboo pole, so you could use it to cover cicadas.

Alternatively you could use "thing to do" instead of "thing," but I think "step" is more succinct. Essentially "thing" on its own here is not clear enough to show you are talking about an action.

The third way was to find some wheat flour and water, then mix them together and keep stirring until it became a sticky gluten.

The third way was to find some wheat flour and water, ~~then~~ mix them together, and keep stirring until it became a sticky gluten.

Then you put the gluten on the tip end of a bamboo pole, and then you could use it to stick cicadas.

Then you put the gluten on the tip ~~end~~ of a bamboo pole, and then you could ~~use it to stick~~stick the pole to cicadas.

But remember, you should only stick to their wings.

But remember, you should only stick the pole to their wings.

Without adding "the pole" the sentence is saying that the subject "you" should stick to the cicada wings and I don't think you mean that the person should be sticking themselves to the cicadas.

So when you saw a kid with a red belly in the summer in the countryside, that was because when he climbing trees to caught cicadas, the bark grazed his belly.

So when you saw a kid with a red belly in the summer ~~in the countryside~~, that was because when he climbing trees to ca~~ught~~tch cicadas, the bark grazed his belly.

You probably do not need to repeat "in the countryside" again because earlier in your writing you said "as a countryside kid" so it is implied all this takes place in the countryside.

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Capture cicadas

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Jack

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